A Slap in the Face

We Moved (and you didn't even have to pack)

2010-10-11T09:44:00.000-07:00

I officially moved the blog and all of my followers yesterday. Today will be my first "new post" at the new site.

Join me there (for free boxed wine - woo hoo!)

http://www.slappyintheface.com

Imagine

2010-10-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

I wasn't really much of a Beatles fan until after Derek and I saw Love (the Cirque show at the Mirage in Las Vegas) and we literally walked out of the theater absolutely stunned. We bought the soundtrack and then I become engrossed in the story that was The Beatles. This past summer we watched the Imagine documentary on Netflix (if you have Netflix ... WATCH IT!) and became fascinated with John Lennon and all that he stood for.

The thing that struck me the most about him was how calm and easy going he always seemed to be, even when discussing something that he felt passionately about. Today is John Lennon's 70th birthday and for today I will imagine a world with peace and love.

"You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one"

the chorus from Imagine by John Lennon

Beef 'n Cheddar For Everyone !!!

2010-10-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

One of the advantages of being a child of a hoarder (ok - there really aren't any advantages of being a child of a hoarder, but I am trying to put a positive spin on it) is that the hoarder parent tends to bring you fairly useless things on a regular basis.

For example: the last week of September my father bestowed upon us one hundred and four (oh yes - I counted them) Arby's coupon flyers that expired on September 30th. First of all .... some of my kids don't even like Arby's. Second of all ... there are about twenty coupons in each flyer ... multiply that times one hundred and four and you get 2,080 coupons for Arby's. TWO THOUSAND AND EIGHTY COUPONS ! How in the world were we supposed to use TWO THOUSAND AND EIGHTY coupons in a week's time? Were we supposed to trade them in for goods or services?

"Thanks for changing my oil ... here's an Arby Q and some curly fries on us."

I guess that we could have handed them out to the homeless people. "Sorry that you are down on your luck man, but if you can find an Arby's nearby then be sure to try the Jamocha shake and the new chocolate turnover."

Maybe I should have added up their value and mailed them off to Discover for credit on my payment. Who knows? The payment chick might enjoy herself a Beef 'n Cheddar every once in a while.

Oh well ... I shouldn't complain ... at least he stopped bringing us the leftover bowling alley pizza. Of course now that I have said that - I have upset the hoarding gods and there will be an anchovy and pineapple pizza without cheese waiting on my porch when I get home (along with a stained sweater he found at a park, one earring, and some keys to things that we don't own).

The Best Show That You May Not Be Watching

2010-10-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

Remember Martha Plimpton from The Goonies? Me too. She is on a wonderful new show on Fox where she plays a mother of a guy in his 20s. Oh Martha - say it isn't so! Are we really old enough to be playing the mother?

Anyway - if you like shows with clever dialogue and snarky humor then this is the show for you. Derek and I laughed and laughed at last nights episode. You can watch full episodes online - give it a try - it's a good one !

http://www.fox.com/raisinghope/

So Funny Because It's True (Somewhat)

2010-10-05T07:48:00.001-07:00

The First Ever Monthly Challenge

2010-10-04T10:15:00.000-07:00

Anybody can do a weekly challenge .... but how many of us can stick to a real challenge for a whole month? Well this chick is going to try it. Due to our overwhelming debt and our ever expanding waistlines, I talked Derek into doing a monthly challenge called "Go Nowhere Month". For the month of October we are not going to go out to eat as a family, not going to get take-out food as a family, not going to go to the movies, not going to go shopping just for the sake of shopping and basically live like we are poor folks (wait ... we are).

The rules of "Go Nowhere Month" are that Derek and I can each get a fast food lunch once per week (Bueno for me every Friday) and we can go places as a family as long as it doesn't cost us anything. For example: Rachel has to take her Senior picture for "the panel" on the 16th and we are then going to go to the mountains to take family pictures after that with my sister and her kids. We are going to pack a picnic lunch (because we all know that sandwiches taste better in the mountains) and not spend money on take-out food or going out to eat that day. We also have my nephew's birthday party on the 24th, but it doesn't start until 2 so we can eat lunch at home before we leave.

Derek tried to sabotage the plan on Saturday when we ended up with only two kids at home. "You know ... we could go out to eat with only two kids and it would be a lot cheaper than normal". I thought about it for a second .... I really considered it ... but then I started adding it all up in my head .... a tank of gas $30, dinner for the four of us plus tip around $50, drinks that we would have bought at the gas station before we left town $6 ..... nope .... not going to do it ! I was tempted ... but I resisted !

It's going to be tough. Really tough. Derek and I have spent the last nineteen years living above our means - eating take-out food, buying junk that we didn't really need, taking vacations that we couldn't afford, etc. etc. It's time to stop ! We have so many bills that I have to write all of their due dates on the calendar each month in order to keep track of them and I am tired of it. I AM TIRED OF IT !!!

So let the challenge begin !!! I just hope that Taco Bueno doesn't have to declare bankruptcy without my daily contributions to their bottom line.

Oh To Be Young and Know Everything

2010-10-01T13:49:00.000-07:00

Well the sisters were bitches to the new girl at the grocery store and of course, Rachel has gotten herself involved right smack dab in the middle of it. She has yet to learn the fabulous life skill of ignoring people and she informed me just now on the phone that she is going to tell the manager to make one of the sisters stay up front so she doesn't have to work around her tonight. To which I replied, "Rachel, you are the employee. You don't get to tell the manager how to do his job." To which she huffed into the phone and hung up on me. Gosh wouldn't the world just be a fabulous place if people actually did what we told them to do. If that's how it works then I have this to say to Rachel:

"STOP DATING THE LOSER BOYFRIEND AND LEARN HOW TO STAY OUT OF ARGUMENTS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! P.S. IF YOU DON'T WANT MY OPINION ON SHIT - THEN DON'T ASK FOR IT !!!"

Oh I Am Dangerous Now .... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2010-09-30T07:30:00.000-07:00

The new website http://www.slappyintheface.com/ is up ... however it is not "up and running". It is more of an "up and crawling" right now. I am working on figuring out how to reduce the width so that you don't have to scroll sideways to read everything (because we all know how hard it is to scroll sideways especially after a box or two of wine). I also like playing around with the fonts (fonts are fun!), need to figure out how to add more categories to my categories section (because if you only have one category then there really isn't much point in having a category section is there?), and adding pictures to my posts.

Do not fear my loyal followers ... I will continue to post here until I get the new one up and sprinting (running so fast that you might think that it was being chased by a rabid bear or a clown zombie) so that you can continue to share in my daily dose of snarky goodness. In the meantime, feel free to let me know how you feel about the new site ..... and if you hate it and it burns your eyes ... well then too bad for you. :)

Drama in Aisle Five

2010-09-29T07:42:00.001-07:00

Rachel works at the newest grocery store in town and in a town of around 3,000 people the newer grocery store is where everybody applies for a job. Rachel was one of the first ones hired and is only one of two of the original people that is still there after a year. I am sure that she is not perfect (see the posts from a few weeks ago to understand what I mean), but she does know what she is doing and she has been told that she does a pretty good job.

Well a few weeks ago, they hired two sisters who are in their twenties who evidently have nothing better to do than be hateful to people and cause drama. I have lived through drama - years and years of drama - so I prefer to try to live drama free and I want to raise my children to be the same way. I just don't understand why some people have to have something tragic going on in their lives all the time. These two sisters are those kind of people. If there isn't some big crisis going on in their lives then they will make something up or start trouble with somebody else. I have heard that they had a pretty rough childhood and were raised by meth addicts who literally locked the kids in a dog pen in the backyard so they could have drug parties. I know that that's a rough childhood, but when does a rough childhood stop being an excuse for being a total bitch. I had a rough childhood ... hell I had a rough teenagehood and part of my adulthood hasn't been too peachy either ... but I don't go around pushing down old ladies or kicking kittens just because I had it rough in the past.

Rachel told us last night that "the sisters" informed her that when Rachel's friend, Amy, starts working at the store on Thursday then they are going to pick on her until she quits. They don't even know this girl and when Rachel asked them why they were going to do that, one of the sisters said, "Well ... we have to pick on somebody". WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? NO YOU DON'T !!! WHY WOULD A GROWN PERSON HAVE TO PICK ON A TEENAGER JUST TO HAVE SOMETHING TO DO?

I am trying my hardest to stay out of it and we told Rachel to try to stay out of it as much as possible, because she really can't risk losing this job or she won't be able to pay for her car and we sure can't pay for it either. However, I want my children to stand up for what's right and the way that they are planning on treating Amy is NOT right. I just don't understand why people feel the need to be evil for no reason.

Rocks and Sticks

2010-09-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

There is a state question on the Oklahoma ballot that will require the state to spend the average amount that the area spends on each student per year for public education. In theory that sounds like a fabulous idea. "Of course schools need more money ... they tell us that all the time." However, in a state that is currently running a budget deficit (as are a lot of other states) there is no money in the coffers to fund this fabulous idea. So - if we make it law and there is no money to fund it, then where will the money come from?

Well it looks like it will come from other agencies in the state and very important programs will suffer. Medicaid benefits will have to be reduced along with school lunch programs, foster care payments, law enforcement, drug courts, etc. All because of some misguided belief that money somehow buys a better education. I know of a few kids who have come from privileged backgrounds and attended private school and sometimes I wonder how they manage to feed themselves. "What is this metal thingie with these pokie thingies at the end ... how do I get the food up to my face?"

I am a former teacher (one who would be a kick ass teacher now) who sat around on her butt all day long due to an addiction problem and nobody ever said a word about it. My classroom had the newest computers, a new grading system, a new projector. All of that meant nothing when the teacher didn't care about .... well .... anything. A good teacher can teach with a textbook, some paper, and a pencil. A GREAT TEACHER CAN TEACH WITH ROCKS AND STICKS. What is the point of having smartboards in every classroom if we continue to graduate kids who can't read and do basic math? Administrators have to get up off of their asses and actually spend time in the classroom. If a teacher is allowing time to be wasted by letting kids play on the computer, talk on their cell phones, and eating snacks then they need to either change or they need to go.

http://www.stop744.com/

State question 744 will just pump money into a broken public education system that can't be fixed with money. It CAN be fixed by hiring and keeping teachers who actually care about what they are doing in the classroom. It CAN be fixed by parents who spend time with their children in the evenings instead of parking them in front of a television for hours on end. It CAN be fixed by communities who actually become involved with what is going on in the schools instead of turning a blind eye to the problems. It CAN be fixed by you .... and by me (without sacrificing other critical programs that work together to make this state a great place to live).

Weekly Challenge - Make a Memory (and some caramel popcorn)

2010-09-27T07:06:00.000-07:00

Due to my recent health issues, I am trying to eat better and not eat as much junk food and overprocessed crap. Soooooooooo I found this reciped in O magazine for caramel corn and decided to give it a shot .... yes it has sugar and butter in it, but that's better than a bunch of preservatives that I can't pronounce. Yesterday me and the girlies made this and we all ate it while watching The Amazing Race last night. It might just be the best caramel corn that I have ever had.

Honey Caramel Corn Balls
6 Tbsp. (3/4 stick) butter
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup light brown sugar
3 Tbsp. honey
3 Tbsp. light corn syrup
3/4 tsp. baking soda
10 cups (1 plain microwave bag, or 1/4 cup kernels) popcorn , popped
2 tsp. fine sea salt
1 1/2 cups honey-roasted peanuts (or other nuts)

Directions
Total time: 40 minutes

In a medium, heavy-bottomed saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Add sugars, honey, and corn syrup and cook to 300° over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally. Mixture will be thick and bubbly. Add baking soda and stir carefully to incorporate.

Remove any unpopped kernels from popcorn, then place in a lightly oiled bowl. Pour caramel over popcorn and toss to combine, using oiled, heatproof spatulas or wooden spoons. When popcorn has cooled slightly but is not quite set, mix in salt and peanuts. With oiled hands, form into 2-inch balls. Keep a bowl of cold water nearby to dip your hands into if mixture gets warm or sticky. Place balls on sheet tray; once cool, store in an airtight container. Eat within a week.

The Versatile Blogger Award

2010-09-24T10:30:00.001-07:00

Be sure to pass it on !!

Thanks to Cindy for including me in her list of versatile bloggers this week AND for giving me an instant topic to blog about. The bloggers who have this honor bestowed upon them (much like being knighted by The Queen) are to reveal seven truths about themselves and then pass the honor to seven blogs that they follow.

So here goes .... Seven truths about me ... stand back people, this could get ugly:

1. I am 37 years old and have been married for 18 years (19 in December). We have been through literal hell on earth ... but we survived ... and we have thrived because of it.

2. I have 5 teenagers ............ oh dear lord ... just reading that made me want to cry ... and then scream ... and think drink a box of wine. Rachel is 17 (and if you don't know Rachel - read last week's posts), Bryce is 16, Riley is 15, and the twins - Emily and Beth are 13. Oh yes ... feel bad for me ... it's okay ... I will allow it.

3. I have survived a prescription drug addiction (Paxil, Ambien, misuse of blood pressure meds, and hormones) mixed with copious (man I love that word) amounts of Vodka - enough Vodka to make a Russian mobster say "damn ... she drinks a lot".

4. I have survived an abusive relationship in high school where I was beaten with a baseball bat, nearly run over, and taken out to the middle of the woods and had a gun held to my head. Oh yeah - he was a real winner!

5. I was raised by hoarders (one who came about it naturally and one who developed it after her own prescription drug addiction). It's similar to being raised by wolves only with less attacking of the neighbors sheep ... however if the neighbors had a stained, broken recliner out by their trash can, then that might be reason enough for a midnight attack.

6. I drink a can of Dr. Pepper every morning for breakfast ... I hate coffee (although I do love frozen coffee drinks and coffee candy).

7. I have "done time". Done time being crazy ... done time being sick ... done time in serious withdrawal ... and I have been in a jail cell where I met some of the most amazing women on the face of the earth who got caught up in bad circumstances and are now stuck in prison without any hopes of anything better. Don't worry babes - I am fighting my hardest to change the system.

The blogs that I read and love (consider yourself Knighted my friends)

Year In Letters

Cindy's Clipboard

Postcards From Oblivion

Dharma in the Falls

Hyperbole and a Half

Robin's Chicks

Rhythm of the Home

I also read http://www.dooce.com/ and belong to the community there - but she has enough awards so I will just send her a can of Sprite.

You Want Me To Put What .... Where?

2010-09-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

WARNING - THIS POST FALLS IN THE TOO MUCH INFORMATION CATEGORY - READER BEWARE !!!

Last Thursday I went to the doctor because ... well ... I feel like poo. For about two years now I have felt like I have had a constant yeast infection. I have been through rounds of antibiotics and enough Diflucan and over the counter stuff to kill an elephant (and probably elephant sized yeast). Well my lab test from "that region" all came back normal and I am still waiting for my blood work to come back. In the meantime, the doc gave me a prescription for Boric Acid Vaginal Suppositories ... yeah ... you read that right ... ACID IN MY VAG !!! He wants me to stick Boric Acid up my hoo haw !!!

Telling Derek about it was hilarious ... "He wants you to stick what up there?" "Is it going to burn you .... but more importantly .... is it going to burn me?" "Will it make a fizzy sound when you walk?" "Isn't that the same stuff in Borax .... are you going to have the cleanest vag in town?"

Well normal pharmacies don't carry the acid that you stick up there, so they have to be compounded. Luckily the pharmacist that I found to do it is a woman ... I would rather not have any other men thinking about the acid in my vag or the fizzy sound that it might be making.

The Big Stamp

2010-09-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I love my daughter a lot ... but sometimes I wonder how she finds her way out of her bedroom in the morning.

Friday afternoon (in the middle of all of this sneaking around with a 20 year old goober drama) Rachel finally decides to mail her ACT packet. We had decided that we weren't going to constantly remind her about getting it sent in, but after all of the engagment drama we decided that we better remind her so that she can be preparing to actually go to college. Well long story short (I know - too late), I was in the bathroom Friday afternoon when she came upstairs and told me through the door that she needed to mail her ACT packet and asked me if I had any stamps. I told her that I did and where they were.

A few minutes later she came back upstairs and told me that the packet had a big square where the stamp went so she used the big stamp. "Um ... honey ... what big stamp?" It was probably a good thing that we were talking through the bathroom door so she couldn't see the "oh my gosh - we have raised a complete moron" look on my face. She had taken the label off of the book of stamps and put it on the ACT packet, because she seriously thought that it was a "big stamp". Oh yeah - this is the daughter who thinks that she is mature enough to get married.

Go ahead and laugh ... I did.

Look What I Did .... Hey It Doesn't Hurt To Try

2010-09-21T06:30:00.000-07:00

Good Morning America is looking for an advice guru ... so I applied. Of course they are not going to hire somebody with a felony record, but it is fun to try. Actually when you think about it ... how can somebody who has never been through bad situations be qualified to give advice about anything? Maybe I am perfect for this job.

Here are the questions from the application and my answers:

What's the best advice you have ever given? What was the result? (150 words or less)

After dealing with prescription medication addiction myself, I have discovered how to deal with anxiety without depending on medications. I have a friend who is currently going through withdrawal herself and she gets really upset with her situation and is hard on herself for her life ending up like this. I recently told her "you have to stop mourning the life that you think you should have had and start living the one that you do". She told me that she loved me for telling her that and she is well on her way to living med free and dealing with anxiety on her own.

What would you tell his person: "Whenever there is an issue between my mother-in-law and me, my husband refuses to stand up for me. How do I get him to value our relationship more than the one with his mother? (150 words or less)

You can't force your husband to value your relationship more than the one with his mother and you shouldn't even try. Whenever your mother-in-law and you have an argument then you need to be adult enough to stand up for yourself. Your husband is a grown man and you can't change his behaviors, so stop trying. If the way that your mother-in-law treats you is upsetting to you, then YOU need to talk to her about it. Putting your husband between you and his mother will only make him resent you both.

What would you tell this person: "While cleaning my son's room, I accidentally saw on his Facebook page threatening remarks from his friends. I fear he's being bullied. What should I do?" (150 words or less)

First of all, if your son is young enough that you are still cleaning his room for him, then he is too young to have an account on Facebook. If your son is old enough to have an account on Facebook, then why are you cleaning his room? Facebook accounts are not a right and should only be allowed under strict supervision. If you fear that your son is being bullied (in person and/or via Facebook) then have a conversation with him about it. If there really is an issue then it might be time to visit some of the parents of the kids that your son has "friended". I feel that very few parents actually know what their kids are doing in real life and on the Internet. That needs to change.

What would you tell this person: "My boss keeps taking credit for my ideas. What should I do?" (150 words or less

Schedule a time to talk with him or her and tell them that you are very flattered that they like your ideas so much that they have used them themselves, but that you feel that you deserve some credit for contributing your thoughts and ideas to the company. Keeping your feelings to yourself could make you feel bitter about the whole situation and cause you to dislike your job. Be calm and assertive about how you feel without accusing your boss of outright "stealing".

Submit your essay: (300 words or less)

There really isn't much that my thirty seven years on this planet hasn't prepared me for. My life has been a journey through hoarding, neglect, parental drug abuse, parental emotional abuse, an abusive relationship in high school, alcoholism, etc. I also turned to prescription meds when life became stressful and they completely changed me into a different person. It took a jail cell and a pair of handcuffs for me to see that I was ruining my life. That "slap in the face" happened four years ago and it was what I needed to realize that I wasn't myself and that I needed to taper off of the meds and repair the relationships with my husband and children. I feel that all of us have the power within ourselves to live a better life and that sometimes we just need a little guidance. I would love the opportunity to use the events of my life to help others and to share my story with the world.

Weekly Challenge - Give It A Rest

2010-09-20T13:20:00.001-07:00

I am tired. No wait ... that's an understatement. I am beyond tired ... I am what tired would be AFTER it swam across the English Channel, carrying a load of bricks big enough to recreate the Great Wall of China, and then dancing the rumba for twelve straight hours. I have never been the kind of person who could turn off my brain at the end of the night and just go to sleep. In fact, I think that my brain goes into overdrive at the end of the day because it knows that I am lying there in bed with nothing to do so I might as well be dwelling on all of this crap going on with Rachel along with ways to end the world hunger problem, how to find world peace, and the perfect paint color for the stairwell project that still isn't finished.

So for about the past week - ever since we found out about what our lovely child was sneaking around and doing - I have gotten very little sleep. I am tired. I am exhausted ... I just can't sleep. So my goal for the week is to give it a rest. ALL OF IT ! No more talking and talking and talking to Rachel about all of it - she has the information and now it is up to her to use it wisely. Plus at least for this week, I am not going to worry about finding an agent, sending article queries, stressing about whether or not I will ever find another job, stressing about whether or not we will ever get out of debt, etc. etc. etc. Nope - not this week. This week I am just going to let it be. WHATEVER THE UNIVERSE SENDS ME THIS WEEK .... SO BE IT !

Ah .... Young Stupidity (The Trilogy ... but not the final chapter)

2010-09-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry that I didn't post yesterday ... along with all of this mess, I am having health concerns so Derek took me to the doctor for an exam and blood work.

Where to begin? Where to begin? First of all, I have to tell you that I was not arrested and only had to use the really colorful curse words a few times during the "big talk". However, I do appreciate the underground effort to collect money for bail in the event that it was needed.

Wednesday night as soon as Rachel walked in the door from work, I handed her the phone and told her "call Brant and tell him to get over here right now". Ah - the element of surprise! She told me that she couldn't call him from the house phone because she didn't know his number. YOU ARE ENGAGED TO THIS GOOBER AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIS PHONE NUMBER !!! I realize in the age of technology that we put contacts into our phones and don't actually dial the numbers when we want to talk to them, but come on!!

He showed up and we begin the lecture/big talk/what the hell were you thinking? discussion. I know that my daughter doesn't read this blog and will probably never read this blog so it might be safe to say that this kid is a goob. In case you don't know what a goob is ... look it up on dictionary.com and his picture will be there. He is just a big, dopey acting kid who is so madly in love with Rachel that he can't see past the "um ... she is pretty .. and um ... she talks to me ... and um ... I love to look at her ... and um ... we are gonna get married".

I proceeded to tell them both that Derek was not able to have a rational conversation about all of this yet, but he did agree to the written agreement that I had devised. The agreement reads as follows and I read it to both of them:

Agreement about the Relationship between Rachel McGee and Brant Boggs.

There will be absolutely no compromising on the terms of this agreement and no part of this agreement is subject to any type of debate.

Until January of 2011, there is to be NO contact of any type between Rachel McGee and Brant Boggs. The secret relationship has been going on for months without any regard to the rules of this household and with blatant disrespect by all parties who knew about it. Adults and people who want to be treated like adults do not behave in this manner and can obviously not be trusted. The situation will be evaluated by Rachel’s parents, Derek and Gina McGee, in January of 2011 to determine whether or not Rachel can be trusted to behave in a mature manner without the continuous deception that she has obviously exhibited in the past. The time spent apart should be spent on maturing in the areas of school, work, and general attitude.
The time of sneaking around and lying about the relationship is over. We had our reasons, as her parents, to set guidelines and rules about whom she was allowed to date and those rules were not followed. It is even more upsetting to have your child continually lie to your face about the situation and to have them tell lies about you in a form of manipulation and as a means to control everyone in the situation.

If at any point during the time period from now (September 15, 2010 to January of 2011) it is discovered that contact of any sort has been made between Rachel McGee and Brant Boggs, Gina McGee will meet both Rachel McGee and Brant Boggs at the Cottle County courthouse on the morning following the discovery to sign permission for a marriage license. It is illegal for a seventeen year old child to reside with somebody over the age of eighteen without being married therefore the only option if Rachel and Brant are not willing to respect our rules and this agreement is for the two of them to be immediately married.

If Rachel McGee and Brant Boggs chose not to follow the rules of this agreement, the white, 2005 Chevrolet Cavalier registered in the name of Derek McGee is to remain the property of Derek McGee. The vehicle was purchased under the agreement that Rachel McGee would follow the rules and guidelines set by her parents for the car, one of which was that the car would never be driven to places that Rachel was not supposed to be. This agreement has obviously been violated, therefore the vehicle will be sold in order to pay off the lien against it and the loan that is currently in the name of Derek McGee.

We are not happy about this decision, but feel that we have no other choice. We are exhausted by Rachel's behavior and are extremely hurt by the entire situation. We are no longer willing to allow this situation in its current state to continue.

I called their bluff. I not only called their bluff - I texted it ... I faxed it ... I sent it messages by carrier pigeon and smoke signal. Derek and I both knew that this was not going to be the final agreement, but Rachel and Mr. "she is so beautiful that I can't see straight" didn't know this. We had to get their attention and the agreement served the purpose ... plus it gave me a great amount of insight into how each of them really felt.

After I finished reading it, Rachel's eyes were as big as dinner plates and I knew that I had her attention. "What does all of that mean?" "Why are you going to make us get married?" "Why do I have to give up the car?" Muahahahahaha ... Oh I had her now! She doesn't want to marry this goober any more than she wants to wear a beard of bees while walking a tightrope and juggling chainsaws. She took the engagement ring because he gave it to her and she didn't have any better boyfriend options at the time. She has been stringing this guy along for years and the poor sap really is madly in love with her. If it wasn't so damn pathetic it would almost be funny. She was sitting there worried about how she would be the only Senior that was married and the fact that we would take her car and he was sitting there all moon eyed telling me, "I would marry her tomorrow". To which I replied, "Then you are a damn fool".

I have to tell you that I am so proud of Derek. Damn - I love that man! He had his moments during all of this where he was so angry that he couldn't see straight, but he has calmed down considerably and we have had some really good discussions about it. We talked about how kicking her out of the house and forcing her to get married might prove our point in the short run, but in the long run it would tear apart the family and probably ruin her relationship with us and with her brothers and sisters. Our goal as parents is to raise responsible children who can take care of themselves and contribute positively to their environment and the world and if using an unorthodox approach achieves that end result then we will do exactly that.

I told the both of them that there has to be some sort of punishment for the lying and sneaking around and that Derek and I would talk about the whole situation ... and I left it at that. When Rachel gets home from work tonight we will inform her that she is grounded from going anywhere that isn't school, work, home, or on outings with the family. She will be allowed to see him only during her lunch break at school and she is NOT allowed to bring him to our house or to be at his house at any time. He may come by the grocery store where she works to see her, but there will be no contact by phone. Derek and I aren't stupid - we remember being madly in love and if somebody had told us that we would have had to build a log cabin by hand, kill our own food, and hike four miles one way to a contaminated stream to get drinking water in order to be together, then we would have done exactly that. My point is ... forbidding her from seeing this goob will not work and did not work. We realize that ... and by continuing to forbid them from seeing each other, it would only reinforce his attitude of "eveybody else supports our love except you".

Derek and I really feel that this relationship will run its course just like all of her other "loves of her life" have and we just need to sit back and let it happen. I have to confess though, being a tough parent is well ... tough. Calling their bluff and upsetting her was not fun, but it had to be done (hey - that rhymed). When we adopted our children years ago, we did it with the understanding that no matter what, we would still love them and even though I was fully prepared to let her go, I just wasn't ready to think about a hallway that had four senior pictures hanging in it instead of the five that I had always dreamed would be there. I just wasn't ready to think about a world where daddy's little girl didn't dance with him at her wedding or a world where my grandchildren were born without me being there.

We have reached a compromise and while it isn't the best situation, we are working on it. We aren't perfect, but we are trying.

** Some names in this post have been changed to protect the stupid and madly in love**

Ah .... Young Stupidity (The Sequel)

2010-09-15T10:11:00.000-07:00

The old Paxilated version of me would have handled this whole Rachel situation by either a) flying off the handle, throwing stuff and drinking excessively or b) avoiding the situation and just hoping that it goes away ... to end up later raising at least seven different grandchildren by seven different fathers. Well not this version of me - I took the rational approach and spent an hour yesterday evening talking to the mother of Rachel's current "love of her life".

The mother told me that the relationship had been going on for about a year and that Rachel had been to their house on a regular basis - quite often during her lunch break at school and on the weekends when she was supposed to be at various friends' houses. I showed her the ring and asked her if it looked familiar ... of course it did ... she had seen it before. That got all over me ... this woman that I had never even met ... the mother of a twenty year old young man that is evidently engaged to my daughter, that I have also never met .... knew that he had given an engagement ring to my daughter without me even knowing that they were dating. Not to mention the fact that he didn't even know enough about her to know or bother to find out her actual ring size since the ring has a plastic sizer on the back of it. Oh there is also the other option that it is actually the engagement ring that he gave his ex-fiance a year ago and he gave my daughter a used ring. Either option did not sit well with this momma.

I told her that if their relationship had in fact been going on a year, then Rachel has been dishonest with her son as well. I proceeded to enlighten her to the fact that a year ago Rachel had a serious boyfriend from one neighboring town whom she had dated for a year and that just six months ago she had another serious boyfriend from another neighboring town. So she has been keeping this twenty year old "on the side" while she dated other boys that we knew about. Classy - huh?

The mother told me that the "boy" had wanted to tell us several times that this was all going on, but every time that he mentioned it then Rachel would start the water works and proceed to make him believe that Derek and I were somehow controlling and abusive and that she feared that something truly horrible would happen if we found out. Oh you can just imagine how well this little tidbit of information went over. I have never abused my children, but in that very moment it sure did sound like a very tempting idea.

I also asked her if her son had given Rachel a phone, because I check her cell phone bill and their contact miraculously ceased the very same day that we had a heated argument about this boy about a month ago. The mother told me that Rachel had the boy's phone and the boy was using her phone so that they could call and text each other. She even told me that the last phone bill was over $700, because they had texted and talked so much - but in the very next breath started trying to convince me that her son was intelligent, mature, and responsible. I am not buying it - I present to you my arguments for my case.

1. An intelligent, mature and responsible twenty year old does NOT sneak around with a seventeen year old behind her parents back all the while knowing that they do not approve of the relationship and would not condone it.

2. An intelligent, mature, and responsible twenty year old does NOT quit college, give up a full-ride scholarship and move back to podunk Oklahoma to chase around a seventeen year old high school girl.

3. An intelligent, mature, and responsible twenty year old does NOT give the seventeen year old girl a phone so they can sneak around and talk to each other as a way to get around the fact that her parents check the cell phone bills AND then run up a $700 phone bill that his mommy paid for him.

After the conversation with the mother, I drove the the grocery store where Rachel works and informed her that I had been to talk to his mother and that I knew about the ring and the phone. She looked me right in the face and said "It's not mine ... it's Aubry's ... just ask her". To which I replied, "Do you have any idea how hurt your father and I are about the fact that you were given an engagement ring by somebody that we didn't even know that you were dating." She actually said to me, " I didn't know that it was an engagement ring". I had to leave at that point or I would have caused a major scene and possibly an arrest, but before I stormed out I got right in her face and said, "I though that the ring was Aubry's".

Derek is not talking to Rachel and I am tired of playing the peacekeeper in the family ... exhausted by it actually. I am done. Derek is working tonight and I am going to talk to both Rachel and "Mr. love of her life" tonight. I have four more kids to raise and a strong marriage that I am not willing to sacrifice for her seventeen year old bullshit. I am giving them options ... and they aren't going to like them ... but guess what ... I DON'T CARE !!!

Ah .... Young Stupidity

2010-09-14T07:34:00.000-07:00

Last night a secret elf dropped a letter on our front porch addressed "To the parents of Rachel McGee". Can you see where this is going? Oh yes - I could see where this was going too. When Riley handed it to me, my heart stopped. Whomever wrote the letter did not sign it, but it had to be somebody who knows her pretty well. They basically told us that Rachel has been sneaking around secretly dating the twenty year old that we told her that we didn't want her dating. We already suspected that it was happening. We aren't that stupid. Plus I remember being a 17 year old and having my parents tell me that I was forbidden from dating a certain boy - sure he was a jobless bum who spent his days drinking beer and playing video games from the comfort of his disgustingly dirty couch, but as soon as my parents told me that I couldn't date him then he instantly became Paul Newman mixed with Sam Eliott with a little Robert Redford thrown in.

Derek is not taking this well at all. His ego is bruised by it and he just can't understand why his baby girl would do this to us. The letter also said that the twenty year old Romeo has given Rachel an engagement ring and lo and behold she came home from work last night wearing a ring that looks an awful lot like an engagement ring on her left ring finger ....but of course it wasn't hers and she was just wearing it for somebody that she works with ... and if you look at my birth certificate you will notice that my birthdate was not September 13th of 2010 and I was NOT born yesterday !!!

So here we are ... at another place in raising children that is no fun at all. Derek is ready to just let her go and let her see how hard life really is .... and that love doesn't buy groceries. I am trying to find some middle ground and make him see that the main reason that she sees this loser as being so fabulous is because we don't.

Weekly Challenge - Venture Out

2010-09-13T08:08:00.001-07:00

We ventured out on Saturday. We ventured waaaaaaaaaaaay out. We went to watch roller derby. Yes - you read that right .... ROLLER DERBY and man oh man ... we are in love ! Well Derek is probably more in love with it than I am ... but he is a man .... a man who loves curvy chicks with tattoos who could easily kick his ass ... while on roller skates.

We don't fully understand all of the rules yet, but we didn't mind at all. We cheered when everybody else cheered. We clapped and yelled and had a wonderful time and it was unlike anything that I have ever seen before ... and I want to go back. Roller Derby ... where have you been all my life?

I am thinking that I have about five years (that is when all the kids will be grown and hopefully moved out) to learn how to skate. Then I am going to join a roller derby league ... I am a curvy chick with a tat or two ... and I have already come up with some choices for my roller derby identity .....

how about "The Offender" (you know ... as in felony offender .... baaaaaaaaaaahahahaha) or better yet .... how about "Felony Griffith" ...... but the one that I think that I am going to go with is ......................... "Felon Keller" What do you think?

Can Depression Turn Into Motivation?

2010-09-10T08:44:00.000-07:00

The past few days have hit me hard. I don't feel well (mentally, emotionally, and physically) and I think that stress has taken a toll on me. As you know, the rent house has fleas and Riley knocked his ribs out of whack during football practice. The doctor's appointments for the ribs cost us $120 - I know that it had to be done, but when you are budgeted down to the penny any little unplanned expense really hurts. Even worse - the flea situation has cost us over $650 ($350 in lost rent and over $300 trying to get rid of the little bastards). The plan for the month was to completely pay off the $820 Sam's card balance and then next month pay off the around $900 Capital One balance. That is not going to happen now and it put me in a serious funk.

Then it hit me yesterday ... I can't change any of this. I CAN'T CHANGE IT! I CAN'T CHANGE IT! I CAN'T CHANGE IT! I probably told myself that a million times. Why am I wasting time being upset about something that has happened and can't be changed? All I can do is plan for next month and hope (and pray to the God of Sam's Club) that we will have the money to pay off at least one of those credit cards.

I am going to use this depressive funk and turn it into motivation. I am going to call and make doctor's appointments and finally figure out why I feel so bad. I am going to send out query letters to book agents. I am going to send out query letters to magazines. I am going write an email about possibly telling my story to education students so that new teachers can avoid situations like mine. I am going to start working on my next book.

Sitting around and being unhappy about things that I can't change won't solve anything, but using those bad situations to motivate me might change my future.

Stay Tuned

2010-09-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

Time flew by today (look at your window .... you might catch a glimpse of it) and I didn't get a post done. Stay tuned .... tomorrow will be "Can Depression Turn Into Motivation?"

He Didn't Say Anything About Playing Catch

2010-09-08T09:07:00.000-07:00

Derek did NOT have a good day yesterday. Bryce started puking in the morning, so he stayed home from school. Derek drove down to the rent house to discover that the fleas are still there (going to have to pay $200 to have it professionally sprayed AND the lady wants to move in on Friday, but they can't spray until Friday AND we still don't have the new carpet installed AND the house needs to be sprayed BEFORE they install the carpet). Derek calls the doctor and makes Bryce an appointment, because he also had a horrible headache and a sore throat.

Sometime that morning, Riley calls to inform Derek that he has hurt himself in football practice and can't lift his arms. Oh yes ... these are the days of our lives. So Derek brings Riley up here with him to take Bryce to the doctor and they then take Riley to the chiropractor - who cracks his bones nine ways to Sunday and tells him that he has ribs out of place. His instructions were to rest and not practice football until Thursday and to come back on Thursday for another adjustment.

Last night I asked Derek if he had given Riley any Tylenol during the day. He had not. I found an Aleve instead and proceeded upstairs to give it to the poor child with the misplaced ribs. As I rounded the corner into the empty bedroom, Derek yelled "THEY ARE OUTSIDE". My first thought was "Is the mothership here to take me home? (preferably to a planet that doesn't have fleas)". "THE BOYS ARE OUTSIDE", he yelled. My next thought was "Those little shits !!!"

Sure enough ... there they were .... standing in the backyard. The kid who has ribs out of place and is supposed to be in bed lying on an ice pack and resting AND the kid who stayed home from school all day puking are outside throwing a football back and forth. I am sure that I had my "mother possessed by demons face" on .... Riley just looked at me and said "He didn't say anything about playing catch".

Derek (in between the laughing) told me, "Just walk away honey ... just walk away"

Ricky's Life

2010-09-07T12:22:00.000-07:00

If you have teenagers, please click on the link and read Ricky's story.

http://www.rickyslife.com/

Weekly Challenge - Find Your Direction

2010-09-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

I have my moments when I feel lost. There really isn't any other word to describe it. Just a feeling of not being in the right place, yet not knowing how to get to where I am supposed to be. I just read that Derek's best friend from high school (the one who was recently promoted to an Assistant Superintendent job at a huge high school in Texas) is now working on his Doctorate degree. It hit me hard. That should have been me ... that was part of the big plan. Realizing that that will never happen now really hurts, but I am trying really hard to not get upset by it. I have to believe that what has happened to me can be turned around and used for the greater good. So this week, instead of getting down and depressed about the direction my life was supposed to take - I am finding my new direction.

I keep imagining that somebody is going to call me up and offer me a book deal, a job writing articles for magazines, or a reality television show - but how is that ever going to happen if I don't put myself out there. I need to keep working towards my direction and keep talking and writing about the issues that are important to me and maybe my story will make a difference. Here are my "new directions":

- the overprescribing of psychotropic and pain medications

- domestic violence (focus on prevention)

- reforming the criminal justice system so that only the truly dangerous are locked up

(the only thing that prisons teach is how to be a prisoner)

- reforming the Sex Offender Registry so that it is actually useful and does not punish those who do not deserve to be labeled for life (like barely 19 year old who have consensual sex with their almost 16 year old girlfriends)

- life skills taught in schools so that people don't turn to drugs and/or alcohol to numb themselves

What is your "new direction"?

In Honor of Labor Day

2010-09-06T06:47:00.000-07:00

A question was asked on one of the forums that I belong to about each person's favorite quote. Somebody posted this one: "Do It Now...You can't build a reputation on what you're going to do".
I love love love it ! I even copied it into Word, changed it to a fabulous font, made it bigger, bolded it, printed it out and taped it to my desk at work.

When I woke up this morning I had a little anxiety and I picked up my depression digging shovel and started hauling that depression dirt. The thoughts were just running through my head "We have so much debt" "I will never get a better job with benefits because of my felony charge" "We are never going to sell the land and pay off that loan" "Our new renters are probably going to turn out to be deadbeats too" ... and on and on and on ... I think it all started when I woke up and realized that I had freaky dreams all night about the cast of Jersey Shore and about cleaning out Christmas decorations from my hoarding parents house. Freaky dreams ... the gift that keeps on giving.

After doing a little bit of web searching and feeling sorry for myself, I remembered the quote and it hit me. I can sit around on my butt all day long, eating and getting fatter OR I can use the day to start writing my new book, finish reading "Eat Pray Love" (I know I am a little late on that one ... let's blame the cast of Jersey Shore for that too), watch Chocolat (part of my torrid love affair with Netflix), work on some letters that I have been meaning to write, finish registering my new website domain, etc.

Picking up the depression hole digging shovel and filling that hole back in ... right now !

Sometimes Boring is Good

2010-09-03T10:22:00.000-07:00

The kids are all going to the football game tonight so Derek and I are going to get sandwiches from Subway, watch a movie from Netflix, and basically sit around and NOT listen to children griping about something or asking for money. He just called me to inform me that he has stopped and purchased a box of wine for me ... or as he likes to call it "the keys to the castle" ...... ah .... he is such a romantical guy.

Burning the Ropes That Could Save You

2010-09-02T08:17:00.000-07:00

Derek and I were sound asleep when the phone rang last night at nearly midnight. It was a coworker. She proceeds to tell me that her alcoholic boyfriend woke her up, drunk off his ass, waving a gun around and telling her to "get your shit and get out of my house". She then tries to tell me all the details and my only thought was "I really would like to go back to sleep". I know that that probably sounds cruel and uncaring, but I am exhausted by her drama. Just exhausted.

Back at the beginning of the year, he got so drunk that he broke her arm during an argument. She went back to him. They have fight after fight after fight and she always goes back to him. He promises to stop drinking .... never really does .... and she goes back to him. I was in an abusive relationship in high school, I know how it goes ..... but DAMN ! Eventually the people who keep trying to help you just get so tired of all of it and the fact that you are never going to work to make your life better, that they just give up.

I went through some major drama a few years ago with my own prescription drug issues, alcohol, and my court case, which is why I prefer to live my life as drama free as possible. Don't get me wrong - I will help somebody in their tough times, but when does it end? When should it end? Should we continue to help people who refuse to help themselves?

Blogging for Bucks

2010-09-01T08:46:00.001-07:00

I don't have sponsors on my blog for a lot of reasons:

1. I have a felony record and if you googled my real name you would probably fall out of your chair and run screaming down the street like you were on fire.

2. I tend to use colorful language from time to time and make not always popular observations about the world and the people in it.

3. I am deathly afraid that if I click on the monetize button that I will only be sponsored by porn sites and THAT is the last thing that I need my name associated with.

4. I like to say that I blog strictly for the enjoyment of sharing my snarky thoughts with the world, however with that being said - if the following companies want to pay me money to advertise on my blog (and hopefully soon to be improved website) then feel free to send me large amounts of cash (actually a check would be preferred - don't want people thinking that I am associated with some drug cartel too). Here are my dream sponsors:

Franzia - because we all know that the best wines come in boxes !!!

Taco Bueno - because they have the Bueno Chilada platter and it is better than you know what on a stick ... or in this case, you know what on a platter !

Any Glitter Company - because my ongoing good deeds will require copious amounts of glitter for my cardboard box in heaven !

Nissan - because all cool chicks drive Nissan Quest minivans !

Skippy Peanut Butter - because the phrase "Damn Jiff" just doesn't sound right (damn Skippy !!)

Weekly Challenge - Stop Self Sabotage

2010-08-31T08:25:00.001-07:00

The picture to my left is the little voice inside my head that says that even though I am trying to lose weight, it is okay to eat ruffled potato chips with ranch dip and shredded cheese for dinner. I knew it was wrong. I knew that it was evil. I knew that it wasn't good for me and those 100 calories that I burned on the Wii Fit didn't matter when I ate 12 bazillion calories worth of chips dipped in ranch dressing and then dipped in shredded cheddar cheese. I knew that I shouldn't have done it, but I did it anyway. Why?

Why do we sabotage ourselves? We know that we shouldn't do certain things, yet we do it anyway. What part of the human brain makes a person be rational one second and kick rational in the face and laugh in an evil manner while they stuff chips down their throat and watch endless episodes of Man versus Food the next? Why? Why? Why?

Attack of the Crappy Movies

2010-08-30T08:33:00.000-07:00

Ok - maybe I am just a movie snob, but I am so sick of the stupid humor in movies and the fact that none of them have any sort of plot whatsoever. We spent weeks and weeks waiting on Hot Tub Time Machine to come up as available on Netflix. I watched about fifteen minutes of it and couldn't get past the overuse of the F word every other word. Is that really what film makers think is necessary to make a movie funny? I understand that sometimes it is quite humorous ... like the line in The Ringer "When the f*ck did we get ice cream?" Now that was funny. F-ing this and F-ing that throughout the entire movie is not funny. I gave up on Hot Tub Time Machine and went upstairs to watch an episode of Lie to Me (an intelligent show that has yet to even imply the use of the F word).

We also waited for weeks and weeks for the movie Cop Out to come up as available. If you have any brains in your head whatsover, don't even bother renting this movie. It almost took me an entire box of wine to get through it. At one point I was so bored with it that I actually started balancing the checkbook. How bad does a movie have to be when balancing the checkbook is preferable to watching it? Pretty F*cking bad !!!

Where are all the good movies? What has happened to Hollywood? Have you seen the movie Idiocracy - there is a scene in it where the latest popular movie is literally people sitting in the theater watching some guys butt up on the big screen. Is that where we are headed? If so then I am going to have to buy more boxed wine and open more checking accounts just to survive it.

My Cardboard Box in Heaven

2010-08-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

Years ago, back when I still went to church, I heard a preacher talk about how a Christian is guaranteed to go to heaven. However, they are not guaranteed to get a golden mansion. He quoted scripture and talked about how our deeds on Earth determine what our mansion looks like in the afterlife. Hmmmmmmmmmm ... well ... um .... I am not counting on a golden mansion in my afterlife. Maybe a cardboard box. I am thinking that my past deeds will get me the box, but my current and future deeds might get me some hot pink glitter to put on it ... or maybe some little twinklee Christmas lights .... or God might grant me a Bedazzler. Oh yeah baby ! I am going to have the best looking cardboard box on the block .... might even add on a cardboard box garage with a cardboard game room and a cardboard sauna ... oh wait ... the hot steam might make the box sag ... scratch that .... how about a cardboard wine cellar made of boxes of wine !!!

I just hope that my box isn't behind the mansions of the people from my former church who treated me like crap when all of my scandal broke out .... or maybe they are hoping that their cardboard box isn't right next to mine. Muahahahahaha

The Bullies Just Get Bigger

2010-08-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday was the first day of school and we didn't have enough money to buy Emily and Beth their shoes for PE yet, so I told them to just tell the coach that we were going to get them that weekend. They told him. So he called them out in the middle of the class and asked them why they didn't have shoes. Stood them in front of the group and YELLED AT THEM about how ridiculous it was that they didn't have their shoes for PE yet. Emily had to tell him that we didn't have the money to buy them yet. Just typing that makes me tear up. We have been through some major shit (pardon the Spanish there) in the past four years and we are literally living paycheck to paycheck. The manic spending while I was Paxilated plus the $40,000 that we paid lawyers (oh yes - that does in fact say $40,000) has put a major crimp in our financial situation. Maybe crimp isnt the right word ... crimp implies something small ... how about bend, fold, smashed all to hell and back. Yeah .. that works.

I am already hard on teachers, because I can't be one any more and this little example of how a grown man chooses to make himself feel better by belittling some thirteen year olds (my daughters were not the only ones involved) just proves several of my points about what is wrong with education. WHY DOES THIS JACKASS GET TO TEACH AND I DON'T ????

So Derek, my knight in shining firefighter uniform, went down to the school to talk to the principal, Ms. Grant. Of course her first question was "Did you talk to Coach Slate about this?". To which Derek replied, "Oh it's probably best that I NOT talk to Coach Slate about this." (Damn - I love that man of mine!) The really sad thing about all of this is that Emily begged Derek not to go talk to Ms. Grant about it, because she really feared that it would just make the coach act worse to her ... and I agree. Since there were several kids involved Derek asked Ms. Grant not to tell Coach Slate which parent came to see her, because we didn't want our daughter targeted any more than she already was. Emily is ready to quit basketball over it and I have to say that little Miss Emily is one hell of a basketball player. How dare that jackass treat my child this way and why in the world is behavior like his tolerated?

We have all sorts of programs in schools that try to educate children on the seriousness of bullying. Maybe we should have some for the teachers !

Happy Rebirthday to Me

2010-08-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

August 25, 2007 was the first day in nine years that I didn't take that morning little pink poison pill ... not even a sliver of one ... not even a crumble (and it got down to slivers and crumbles there at the end). I had been chopping pills for about eight months at that point and it was time for it to be over. At first it was really strange to not take that pill every morning, but that strangeness was quickly replaced with the ability to laugh again - the ability to feel empathy for other people - the ability to have a rational conversation with somebody without yelling at them, belittling them, or trying to make them cry. It was replaced with me wanting to actually get out of the house and do things instead of sitting in front of the tv eating anything that I could get my hands on. It was replaced by my snarky sense of humor that had long been lost in the Paxilated haze. It was replaced by a love and respect and gratitude for the man who stood by me when every other man on the planet would have given up and only tried to save himself.

Things aren't all rainbows and unicorns right now. We are living paycheck to paycheck (thank you lawyer's fees and manic spending debt - both of those situations Paxil induced), one of the kids is sick, another one of the kids might not get to go to college, the rent house has fleas (oh yeah - FLEAS!), there are still umpteen projects around the house that need to be done, and we still haven't won the lottery. But don't feel pity for me ... don't you dare. I spent nine years in Paxil hell ... living in a tunnel without emotions ... acting like a completely crazy person who didn't care that I was slowly ruining my life. Even with the things that are going wrong in my life right now ... there are soooooooooooo many things that are going right. It is nice out in the sunshine and I will never go back to the tunnel. NEVER.

http://www.paxilprogress.org

Don't Look at My Boobs !

2010-08-24T10:28:00.000-07:00

My hotmail email account had a link to an article about a 14 year old girl posing for racy bikini pictures and her parents defending her posing for those pictures.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/07/22/kendall-jenner-in-new-str_n_656433.html

Wow ! My twins are 13 and I cannot even imagine letting them pose for that first picture. How many grown men are going to see that? and what will they be thinking when they do? EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW !!! We as a society have got to stop sexualizing our children !!

Why are we allowing our ten year olds to dress like hookers? and don't even get me started on the crap on Toddlers and Tiaras .... telling a 5 year old to "shake your booty" at the judges is soooooooo disturbing.

and then the girls who dress like that get all pissed off when older men stare at them .... Rachel came home the other day completely grossed out that an "old man" was looking at her boobs and her butt ... my husband said "well maybe it was the giant blinking arrow that you were wearing in the form of a too tight tank top and shorts so short that your ass cheeks hang out" ... she just rolled her eyes

A friend of Rachel's wore this sexy nurse costume to a Halloween party last year ... when she was 16 ... oh how I wish that I were kidding.

Weekly Challenge - Know the Difference

2010-08-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

Part of the Serenity Prayer says:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I have a hard time with just letting things go. It's something that I need to work on. I need to be able to accept the things that I cannot change. I need to work on the things that I can and I really need to learn to let my children fall on their faces every once in a while. If we keep saving our children every time that they get themselves into a mess, then they will never learn how to rescue themselves.

Rachel informed us on Friday night that she might not have a grade point average high enough to qualify for free tuition through a program that they have in our state. We cannot afford to pay for our kids to go to college (and even if we could - we wouldn't). If college is important enough to them then they will figure out a way to pay for it. My first response to her news about the grade point average was to go into Mommy Mode and try to come up with ways to find her classes that she can make great grades in so that her gpa will improve. Then it hit me - why is this my problem? Haven't we been telling her for years that she has to have a good gpa to get the free tuition? Haven't we been talking to teachers, the principal, and the counselor trying our hardest to get them all to realize that we are trying our hardest to be good parents and help her? Doesn't she tell us on nearly a daily basis that she is nearly 18 (as if that magically gets you somewhere)?

So Derek and I have come to the conclusion that we are not going to go above and beyond to try to fix this for her. We told her last night that it is her responsibility to talk to the principal and the counselor about possibly changing her schedule so that she will have a high enough gpa to qualify. We also told her that the times of us babysitting her to make sure that she gets her assignments turned in or that she studies for her tests are over. If she wants to throw the "I am nearly an adult" malarky in our faces all the time then she needs to start acting like one.

It will be tough on the momma and I think even tougher on the daddy, but we have to let this one go. We have to know the difference and this is something that she is going to have to change on her own.

I Made the Call

2010-08-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

It only took me a week to build my courage back up, but I did it. I would have loved to have seen the look on his face when I told him who I was .... he hasn't really talked to me in nearly four years. Of course as soon as he said "well hey there girl" I lost it. Back when we used to be friends, he called me "girl" all the time. Back before I went completely bat shit crazy and hurt so many people that I probably couldn't even name them all. What followed was a blubbering snotty mess of trying to explain why I called. I had to stop talking several times so I could calm down enough to say what I needed to say. It almost didn't seem real. Like I was living in a dream and I didn't really dial the phone and I wasn't really standing there saying those things.

This is a very complicated situation and it involves a lot of people, but I did get to say the one thing that really needed to be said - "When you knew me I had a really severe prescription drug and alcohol addiction problem and I just wanted you to know that this whole situation probably saved me in some way." I don't know why it bothers me so much that so many people, who don't know me anymore or didn't know me before the Paxilated years, think that the insane way that I acted was the real me. Why do I care? Maybe I shouldn't care what other people think, but I can't help but desire the opportunity to explain that that wasn't really me.

He told me that a close member of their family is having health problems and now might not be the best time to revisit all of this. He told me to call him back in a month. So now I wait .... but at least I made the call !

Sometimes It's the Simple Things

2010-08-19T11:17:00.000-07:00

I just spent the past 30 minutes trying to get that damn flying saucers picture to stretch the right way so I could use it in my heading ... sure there are tax returns that need to be done ... sure there are completed construction job reports that need to be sent to the CPA ... sure there are leases that need to be completed ... but all of that can wait .... I GOT MY FLYING SAUCER PICTURE TO WORK !!! Please don't tell me if it doesn't show up right on your screen ... just pretend that it does.

McGee Brothers Construction

2010-08-17T12:02:00.001-07:00

McGee Brothers Construction is the partnership of Bryce McGee and Riley McGee, formerly of McGee Brothers Painting. If you are not familiar with their work, please read about it here:

http://a-slapintheface.blogspot.com/2009/08/mcgee-brothers-painting.html

The construction partnership was not founded by them. It was founded by Derek when we discovered that there is a hole in the roof of the smaller rent house, therefore when it rains, the water pours right down through the hole in the middle of the room and has caused the wood floor in that room to buckle. The lady who lived there only used that bedroom for storage so who knows how long it has been leaking. Derek announced yesterday that the boys were going to help him fix the roof ..... cue the eye rolling and huffing.

Two teenage boys standing on a roof with hammers is not a good thing. Two teenage boys who watch idiotic shows on MTV where they jump off of things is even worse.

Bryce: "Hey dad .... do you think I would break some bones if I jumped off of the roof?"

Derek: "Don't jump off of the roof. I have to get this finished and if you jump then you are just going to have to lay there and bleed until I get done"

Bryce: "Hey dad .... do you think that Riley would break some bones if I pushed him off of the roof?"

Riley: "I will grab you on the way down dude ...."

McGee Brothers Construction - We do a bad job, but we do it really slowly ... and sometimes we get distrac ..... oh look ..... there's a kitty !

Weekly Challenge - Face Your Fear

2010-08-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

I wrote a letter a few months ago to a person that I had hurt. The letter has been revised several thousand times over the past four years and I finally arrived at the version that I was content with in May. Since then I have been waiting for the universe to throw the ball back to me and put this person in my path. It hasn't happened yet. So I am thinking that it is time to kick the universe in the knee caps and just take the damn ball back.

I tried last Thursday to contact this person so that I could finally ask if I could read the letter to them in person. I sat down in the empty conference room .... picked up the phone ... dialed the number ... asked for him ...

HE WAS ON VACATION !

How in the world is it possible to be both anxious and relieved at the same time?

So my challenge for the week is to pick up that phone again .... no matter what happens ... even if he doesn't want to talk to me ... it's time !

What are you afraid of? Kick the universe with me and take the ball back .... it's time !

If You Build It, They Will Stay

2010-08-12T06:33:00.000-07:00

As you may know, we play the lottery every week, twice a week. Derek calls them my "crack tickets". I am addicted to the idea of winning the lottery. He is addicted to fried stuff with cheese. It works for us.

The kids know that we buy lottery tickets, so they dream right along with us about what we would spend our big lottery winnings on. I have my plan of building a house in the middle of a square mile of land, surrounded by a moat with piranhas in it. Bryce has a dream of building a huge basketball court. The conversation went something like this:

Bryce: If we win the lottery then we can build an awesome basketball court.

Me: Well first of all son, you won't be buying the lottery tickets, therefore there is no WE in that statement.

Bryce (rolling his eyes): Whatever ... If YOU win the lottery then you can build ME an awesome basketball court.

Me: Sure eldest son of mine, if your dear father and I are blessed with the winnings of several millions of dollars then we will bestow enough upon you so that you can build your dream basketbal court.

Bryce: Cool .... If you did that, then I would never want to move out.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKK!!!! Put on the brakes !

Me: In that case ... NO !!! No matter how much we win, we will NEVER be building you your dream basketball court, in fact we might just live in a one room shack so that you little childrens will not come back home.

Note to Self: Install secret underground tunnel under the floorboards of the one room shack that leads to an undisclosed location where we can build our dream house surrounded by a moat and piranhas !

When They Grow Up - Part Two

2010-08-10T06:40:00.000-07:00

Derek did not plan his vacation time very well. He didn't bother to look at the school calendar, therefore he took off six or seven shifts (which means that he is off work for about three weeks) right when the kids are all at home. Needless to say, six people trapped in an 1,800 square foot house all week long (five of those people being moody teenagers) does not a happy vacation make. Well it all came to a boil yesterday when Derek couldn't find the charger for the cell phone. He and I have the same type of phone and use the same type of charger. The kids use a completely different type of charger, yet Bryce took our charger to his friend's house and accidentally left it there. Did he bother to tell us that he had it? Of course not ! Did he bother to tell us that he forgot it at his friend's house? Of course not !

Derek blew up .... I am just glad that nobody was seriously injured or maimed in the blow up and that I was not there to see it. I can understand his frustration with things not being where they are supposed to be, I went to find my hairspray, comb, and frizz cream the other day. The hairspray was under a bed in the girl's room, the frizz cream was on their dresser, and evidently the comb ran away with the spoon (the spoon was tired of the dish ... probably because he left their cell phone charger at a friend's house ... I don't blame the spoon ... enough is enough !)

So we have added another item to our list of things that little evil elves are going to do to our children when they move out on their own .... be warned my little childrens ... you better be buying those car chargers by the case because we are going to be giving them out like candy at a parade !!!

Weekly Challenge - Junk Food Journal

2010-08-09T07:56:00.000-07:00

For the past week or so, I have been having horrible "there is an elephant sitting on my chest" anxiety and have been having trouble sleeping. I thought that maybe there was a three year wave from coming off of my antidepressants, but I am more inclined to believe that it has something to do with all of the junk food that I have been eating (especially the salty stuff). My challenge for the week is to blog down everything that I eat - so you, my loyal readers, are going to help me cure my junk food habit. Here is what I had to eat this weekend:

Saturday:
Breakfast - a can of Dr. Pepper
Lunch - Steakhouse Sub Combo at Arby's (Roast beef sub sandwich with onion rings on it, curly fries with ranch dressing, and a medium raspberry tea)
Dinner - Ranch burgers that Derek made, chips and ranch dip (I see a ranch them here)

Sunday:
Breakfast - a can of Dr. Pepper
Lunch - leftover Ranch burger, more chips and more ranch dip
Dinner - Redneck casserole (ground beef, mushroom beef soup, and potatoes)

Geez Louise ! No wonder I feel like crap ! There is not a vegetable or a fruit anywhere in that list. Writing it all down is a huge "slap in the face" (where have I heard that before?)

I brought an apple with me today and am going to have salad for lunch and beans with tomatoes for dinner. I have got to do better !

A Wonderful Article !

2010-08-07T06:31:00.001-07:00

Great article !!!

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2008886,00.html

This is the letter that I wrote to the editor:

Thank you so much for this article. People need to realize that it is irrational to expect that a soldier can witness the act of war and come home unphased by it. I applaud you for writing about the fact that the mental health care of our soldiers is inadequate. I also loved that you didn't take the stance of "meds can cure everything". I am a survivor of the horrific side effects that antidepressants can cause and know personally that "popping pills" doesn't solve problems. I hope that your article is read by people who have the capacity to fund mental health clinics for the military and that more qualified staff can be hired to care for our soldiers with talk therapy and Cognitive Behavorial Therapy. In times of heartache and trauma, we all just need somebody to talk to.

I have to wonder why this wasn't the cover story. Is the fact that a bird can drop stones into a pitcher of water more important than the mental health of our soldiers? As a country, I really think that we are spending money on the wrong kinds of research.

Where Is My Reality Show?

2010-08-06T11:44:00.000-07:00

Ok ... I don't have a day-glo orange tan and don't stay drunk all day long (just part of the day), but my life is interesting ! Where is my show that takes my whole family on vacation while I bitch at my kids and treat my husband like a dog? Where is my show where I get to run around Las Vegas, gambling and partying my ass off? Where is my show where I talk about my past prescription drug addiction, the felony charges that resulted from it, the visits to the state Capitol where I try to change the minds of closed minded people, the writing of a book, the writing of a blog, the writing of all of the checks to pay on the mountainous debt? Oh wait ... maybe I am not cut out for reality tv because I don't stay drunk all day long and am not doped out of my mind anymore, I try my hardest to be nice to my kids, and I love and respect my husband. Happy people don't make good tv .... so nevermind ... I will just keep up the fight in other ways ... however, if there are tv show producers out there ... a few trips to Vegas every once in a while might not hurt us.

P.S. I need one more follower in order to hit the 35 followers mark .... tell your friends about my snarky goodness and there might be a box of wine in it for you ... of course aliens MIGHT fall out of the sky and give us all cotton candy too. It could happen !

I AM INSURED (well sort of)

2010-08-05T11:56:00.000-07:00

Remember my struggles with finding insurance due to my lovely felony charge and my current state of probationism (it's like prohibition ... but with less booze). Well anyway ... after calling a bazillion and a half life insurance companies, I finally found one who is willing to give me a policy. For now it is only an accidental death policy, but that is better than none. So being eaten by an octopus is covered, but developing liver disease from my boxed wine habit is not.

NOTE TO SELF ... if I feel the liver disease coming on ... then head to Sea World !

Digging The Depression Ditch

2010-08-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

I have told so many people that when they start to dig the depression hole to distract themselves and put the shovel down. I have done that myself many times. Sitting around dwelling on your problems doesn't solve them and you have to be constantly working on being your own solution. I am trying .... really trying ... but for some reason this week has hit me hard ... oh let's see ... could it be ...

- the fact that we now have two rent houses to get cleaned and repaired in the next week or so

- the screaming fight that I had with Emily yesterday because she yelled at Derek .... then she rolled her eyes ... to which I said "Don't roll your eyes at me" ... then she rolled her eyes AND huffed at me ! I left the room before I went into major ape shit mode.

- the fact that school is starting and I don't get to be a teacher any more - this is Rachel's senior year and I was supposed to be there for that - and now I am crying about it - great ! just great ! (damn you felony charge - a very long story that I promise to reveal in it's entirety some day - but obviously this is not a good week to do that unless I want to risk snot and tears shorting out my computer)

- the fact that we are in shit loads of debt (we paid $40,000 to lawyers) and are probably going to have to replace the carpet in one of the rent houses (which means using the Lowe's card that we swore we would NEVER charge anything else on ever again)

- the fact that school starts in two weeks and we are going to have to buy clothes and school supplies for the kids, but really have no clue where that money is going to come from

- the fact that my boss's health is not great and if something happens to him then it will be next to impossible for this place to run without him (small, family owned company) and if that happens then it will be next to impossible for me to find another job - not many places are looking to hire somebody with a Bachelors of Accounting, a Masters of Education and an extensive knowledge of how horrible prescription drug addiction can be (if you hear of something ... please let me know)

So yeah .... today I am digging the depression ditch and don't want to feel better ... I am going to dig the ditch and then lay a foundation for my fort that I am going to make out of empty wine boxes ! Now where did I put that damn hard hat?

The Pencil Test

2010-08-03T06:24:00.000-07:00

I confess that we watch Holly's World ... I know ... I know ... it actually makes me want to rip my own eyebrows off with duct tape, but I am addicted. The episode last week was the one where Holly is buying Angel (her assistant) a new pair of boobs and they go to the consultation together. Angel complains that her boobs have deflated after breastfeeding and they need to be perkier. The doctor explains to her how the pencil test works. Evidently if you stick a pencil under your boob and it stays there, then they need "work". Derek and I couldn't stop laughing after I said, "ah hell ... I could hold a trapper keeper under mine ... and a stapler ... and a tape dispenser ... and a 64 count box of crayons .... "

He got up to go downstairs to get a drink .... but he yelled from the hallway "and a file cabinet!"

What a guy !!!

Weekly Challenge - Be A Good Neighbor

2010-08-02T10:28:00.000-07:00

After you saw my picture for this post, you started singing the little neighbor song in your head - didn't you? You know that you did !

Derek hates people. Okay - maybe that's a little strong. Derek dislikes a few people ... well maybe some people ... ok ... maybe most people. He would prefer to be in a cave (a cave with cable TV, Peggle on the computer and an endless supply of bacon and gravy) all alone with nobody bothering him. Don't get me wrong ... he is a nice guy and he will be nice to most people, but he prefers to not chit chat with near strangers - especially the neighbors. He is more of a "hurry up and get in the house before they try to talk to us" kind of guy.

My goal for the week is to be more neighborly, but I think that I am going to have to do this one alone. I don't expect him to go next door with me and deliver the berry crumble that I made for the elderly people that live next to us. In fact, I kind of expect him to say "what the hell are you taking that to them for? I would eat that". To which I will reply "It isn't a bacon crumble and with that attitude you are not going to be getting any glitter on your cardboard box in heaven - you gripey old bastard ! "

WARNING: Stay Off Of The Sidewalks !

2010-07-30T07:33:00.000-07:00

Rachel has a car !!! After years and years (ok - maybe it only seemed that long to her poor exhausted parents) of looking for the perfect car - WE FOUND IT !!! Derek has taken her car shopping for several days and he and I have looked at a few without her. Finding a car under $5,000 that isn't a POS is nearly impossible. They either have five bazillion miles on them or they were previously owned by a sweaty, chain smoker, who kept their seven monkeys in the car instead of buying them cages. Plus you have to find something "cute" and not an "old lady car" that holds five people. Good luck with that one !

We lucked out yesterday - big time ! I was talking on the phone to my banker friend about how much we could borrow to go along with the $3,000 that Rachel already has saved (yes we are one of those HORRIBLE parents who make their children save for their own cars) and he informed me that he couldn't loan us any money on a car older than a 2003 model. Well dangit all to heck ! We had planned a big trip to OKC to look at cars and none of them were newer than an 03 model. Then my banker friend had a lightbulb moment ... DING ! His nephew (who is leaving to join the Navy next week) is trying to sell his car. It's a 2005 Chevrolet Cavalier - really cute and only slightly old ladyish. Long story short (too late), WE BOUGHT IT !!! Rachel is going to get to learn about car payments, insurance payments, checking accounts, how much a tag cost, etc. She is also going to learn that if you let the little childrens have drinks and food in your car, then it won't be long before you have the monkey smell as well.

She couldn't wait to drive it around town when we got home last night, so she and the twins did a treasure hunt all over the house to find enough coinage to go to Sonic for drinks. Before they left Derek told her, "Get me the biggest blue slushie they have ..... and make sure that the straw is extra long so that when I ride in the backseat I can jab it all the way through the bottom of the cup and then sling it around!" She rolled her eyes and said, "Daddy - that isn't funny". After they drove off, he turned to me "She thought that I was joking". Oh yeah - this is going to be fun !

Of All the Gin Joints ....

2010-07-28T07:53:00.000-07:00

Derek has been reading my blog ! How dare he ! Doesn't he have some Peggle to play or some pinup girl pictures to look at instead? I mean the nerve of some people ! There are millions of other websites out there ... stop reading mine you bald fireman !

I discovered this little tidbit (don't you just love that word? - let's all say it together TID-BIT) of information the other day on our way to do some highly entertaining grocery shopping at the fancy grocery store without taking the kids - hell it was almost like a vacation or a hot date (well at least a luke warm date). Anyway ... out of nowhere ... in between some of his "redneck, I loved my cousin, but had to give her up cause she was addicted to crack and couldn't support her drug habit cause my best huntin dog needs an operation" music he turns to me and says "So ... you want to learn how to mow?"

To which I replied, "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Where did you hear that?" Then I pretended to pass out for a few seconds and awoke with a "where am I?", "who are you?", and "and there was a Tinman, and a Scarecrow, and a Wicked Witch .....". He didn't fall for it and said "Don't bring your mother into this ... I have been reading your blog."

Well gosh darnit all to heck ! Now I guess that I am going to have to be nice and not post the picture of him laying in bed, with nothing but his underwear on, eating a Big Mac ! Oh maybe I will ..... muahahahahaha ! That will teach him not to try to actually make me do my own weekly challenges. THAT BASTARD !

Personal Ventilation System

2010-07-27T08:41:00.000-07:00

Also known as the huge hole in my pantyhose that is getting bigger every time that I sit down ..... the hole also has runners that have now reached my knees .... not a good look ... this might be one of the weirdest feelings on earth ...right up there with the look I had on my face after trying blueberry cobbler cheese.

DAMN YOU STATURE GODS FOR MAKING ME SO TALL THAT I CAN'T FIND DRESS PANTS LONG ENOUGH AND AM FORCED TO WEAR SKIRTS AND PANTYHOSE EVERY DAY ! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Weekly Challenge - Prune for New Growth

2010-07-26T09:31:00.001-07:00

My "slap in the face" taught me all sorts of lessons. One of the most important ones was that true friends are hard to come by and some of your friends won't stand by you in the hard times. After I was arrested (yes - I spent some time in the black and white jumpsuit - if you don't know that by now then you need to step away from the box of wine for a little while), I lost a lot of people whom I thought were my friends. For a while I tried to force the relationships. I would call them. I would text them. I would send emails. Then one day as I was reading my Joyce Meyer Bible (a lesson on pruning), it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was trying to force relationships with people who either never cared about me or no longer cared about me. Why was I wasting my time? More importantly, was my inability to prune these dead limbs holding me back?

My challenge for this week is to finally let go of the relationships that I have continued to hold on to even though those people have not shown any effort to continue knowing me. I know what you are thinking - "that slappy is a fantabulous person - who in their right mind wouldn't want to know her?" But alas - it is true ! It's time to prune some more and to start caring about the people who care about me ... and let the other dead limbs fall.

Tough On Crime Doesn't Work

2010-07-23T09:52:00.001-07:00

I unfortunately know way too much about the so called justice system. I also know way too much about politicians and their perceptions about crime. I have to wonder sometimes if any of them have ever even talked to a person in jail. How can they sit up there at the Capitol pretending to know what causes crime or the best way to deal with it when they don't even bother to do some research? No child dreams of going to prison one day. No child dreams of being addicted to drugs. No child dreams of robbing a house or joining a gang. Maybe we should be concentrating more on preventing crimes by finding out what really leads people to do bad things. Find the point in somebody's life when things went wrong.

I talked to a Senator last year who told me that murder has been a crime since the beginning of time and even though punishment for it can be death itself, people still commit murder. I agreed. Changing the punishment doesn't prevent the crime. People know that cooking meth and having drugs in their possession is a crime, yet they do it. Why? Could it be that they have no real coping skills for when life goes wrong and they turned to drugs as a way to numb themselves? Could it be that they were raised in that environment and don't know anything different? Could it be that the education system has failed them to the point where they graduated from high school not knowing how to read or write and selling drugs seems to be their only way to make money?

The commercials for the Governor's race are hitting the airwaves on a regular basis and they all promise to be "tough on crime". Why? That has been the approach for years and it is obviously NOT WORKING !!! Why not be smart about crime? Why not try out the old saying "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure"?

Our society has been teaching kids for years that when things go bad you just need a drink, to pop a pill, or to indulge in something to make you feel better. The mental health field has moved away from teaching people how to work through their problems towards handing out prescriptions and continually blaming somebody's past for their actions. Why not teach coping skills and life skills so that people can work through their problems instead of ignoring them and just hoping that they go away? Changing brain chemistry is often not for the better and there are links to an increase in crime rates for people on psychotropic meds. Let's start looking towards the causes of crime and trying to prevent the problems before they happen.

Workin At The Car Wash

2010-07-22T12:01:00.001-07:00

During our trip to Vegas back in March, Derek and I went to see a burlesque show ( I think that I spelled that right,but am too scared to Google it ... who knows what might pop up ... pun intended). Anyway, at one point in the show the dancer that Derek found absolutely captivating did a little number where she wore a stunning aqua fringed outfit and man oh man ... those little fringie things were a flyin ! I thought Derek was going to pass out.

After the show, we were talking about how Vegas needed a burlesque type of show with curvier women ..... the light bulb went on ! This could be our million dollar idea ! We could call it "Chubbies" (note the double meaning) and we could use only curvier women to do the dancing. I told Derek that I would even be willing to do a little number in a fringie outfit .... only when I did it we would use the song "Workin at the Car Wash" because that was what it would resemble. He nearly passed out from laughing so hard .... not quite the same response that he had to the other fringie outfit .... but the same end result ... him laying on the floor gasping for air.

Is It Really Freedom of Religion?

2010-07-21T08:20:00.001-07:00

There is a huge debate going on right now about the building of a mosque close to Ground Zero in New York City. So many people have weighed in on the subject, most of which have no business even giving an opinion about it (wink wink). Here is my opinion (and keep in mind that I am a Christian who considers herself to be very spiritual, but not at all religious).

I have always believed that there are radicals in every religion and a radical Christian can be just as dangerous as a radical Muslim. Radical Christians have supported harming people because they perform abortions or because of their sexual preference. Does that mean that all Christians think that way .... NO !!! It is the same with the Muslim religion ... a few crazy terrorists are not the entire religion or it's people and I don't believe for a second that any God wants their people to harm and kill each other. The phrase "killing in the name of God" makes no sense at all.

The people who are making a big deal out of the small portion of a building that will be devoted to prayer should be focusing their efforts on bigger issues and should leave the peace loving Muslims who live, love, and thrive in this country alone ! People like to say that we have freedom of religion in this country. I disagree ... I think that we have freedom of Christianity and if you don't believe what the so called "moral majority" believes then you are viewed as wrong. I will never understand why some people feel the need to force the way they believe on others or to condemn somebody for worshipping their God their way.

My First Rejection

2010-07-20T07:08:00.000-07:00

I can't remember if I have posted on here about my book. If I haven't then I can't believe that I haven't. I have spent pretty much every weekend for the past year working on it and at last .... IT IS FINISHED !!! I spent the past two weekends editing it and have found a "focus group" of people to read it and give me their honest opinions about it. Just for the hell of it, I sent out my first query letter yesterday and about five minutes later I received my first rejection. I am pretty sure that it was a form letter rejection, which in some strange way made me feel better about it - as if he didn't even take the time to read my query letter.

I expected to be more upset about my first rejection. It stung for about ten seconds, but then I got over it. If that agent doesn't want to read my work then that is his loss and when I am a bestselling author and he comes to one of my book signings then I will remind him that he passed on my book .... and then I will throw him into the moat of piranas !!!

Weekly Challenge - Replace a Bad Habit

2010-07-19T09:02:00.000-07:00

We all have bad habits. We know that they are bad ... but we don't work on fixing them. This week I am going to try to replace three bad habits with good habits.

1. I eat while I watch tv (even when I am not hungry) .... instead I will exercise while watching tv and try to only eat while sitting at the table

2. I sometimes tune my kids out when they are talking to me .... instead I will look them in the face while they are talking and actually listen to what they are saying

3. I tend to talk over people (this is a leftover bad habit from my bat shit crazy days and I catch myself doing it every once in a while) .... instead I will stop talking when somebody else starts and be more open to other people's opinions and thoughts

Another One of Those Moments

2010-07-19T06:48:00.000-07:00

Friday night Beth and Emily had friends come over to spend the night. They basically spent the entire evening in their room watching movies, painting their nails, listening to music, and eating anything that wasn't tied down. As I was walking past their bedroom I could hear them talking loudly and I stopped to listen through the closed door. I don't know what the original conversation was about, but I overheard Emily say "well look at all of the bad stuff that happened to my mom and she got over it .... she has a really good life now". The tears started to flow. I couldn't help it.

We tried really hard to shelter the younger kids from the horrific things that happened about four years ago, but I they know the big story. They don't know the details about the meds and my withdrawal, but they do know about the arrest and the rumors that were all over town. They have even had a few kids at school say really hateful things to them about it. Hearing her say that about how I had a really good life now was what made me cry. They have seen me at my worst, but I am so glad that they can see that I have chosen to be better and try not to be bitter about the whole thing. That I have chosen to take the bad things that have happened to me and use them to educate others. That instead of crawling in a cave and feeling sorry for myself, that I choose to live and to tell my story in the hopes that it can change the world.

P.S. Bryce leaves today to go to church camp and I told Derek several times yesterday that he needed to have "the talk" with Bryce before he left. Derek looked me right in the face and said "he is going to church camp ... nothing like that is going to happen at church camp". I literally choked on the water I was drinking ... Derek sure does have one hell of a sense of humor.

Selling Happiness in a Microwave Society

2010-07-16T08:07:00.001-07:00

I came across this article yesterday and for those of you who know how I feel about Big Pharma ... you can just imagine my reaction.

1=31036">http://health.msn.com/medications/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100261212>1=31036

The very first paragraph in the article says it all. "A weight-loss pill called lorcaserin not only helps people drop pounds but does so with few side effects, new industry-funded research reports." Did you notice the part that said "industry-funded research"? I did and once I saw it, flames shot out of my ears and I screamed like a wild banshee. It was not a pretty sight. "Industry-funded research" basically means that they drug companies who are making these wonderful new magic diet pills are the ones who are saying that they are perfectly safe with few side effects.

From all of my research into Big Pharma, I have discovered that a drug company can run as many drug trials as they want (typically only 6-12 weeks long) and then hand pick which two trials have the best results and send those to the FDA for approval. Then they pay the FDA to look over the information and make their decision. THE FDA DOES NOT DO INDEPENDENT DRUG TRIALS. The vast majority of the general public does not know this. In my opinion, "FDA approved" doesn't mean a damn thing.

When will our "microwave society" learn that faster isn't always the better. Sure people will take these new magic diet pills. Many of them will have horrific side effects. Some will lose weight for a while only to gain it back after they stopped taking the pills because they didn't bother to change their thoughts, attitudes, and actions about diet and exercise. The "instant fix"doesn't work and I will always prefer the slow oven cooked turkey to the one that our society is trying to nuke in that microwave.

How can we ever be content if we rely on companies to sell us happiness? When will it ever end? When will we stop looking for the quick fix and start looking for the real fix?

The Worst Thing That We Can Tell Our Children

2010-07-15T13:35:00.000-07:00

I have five very different children. It's amazing sometimes how you can raise five children in the same house and their personalities and little quirks be so very different. I have smart kids. I have funny kids. I have kids who complain about being bored all the time. I have kids who could entertain themselves with rocks and sticks. I have a few agreeable kids. I have kids who swear that the sky is orange just to have something to argue about. They are unique in their own right, but we never tell them that they are special.

My kids have known for years that they are not any better than anybody else. We tell them that. We show them that by giving to the homeless, donating to charity, and making them do real chores around the house. We will never buy them a car. We will never pay for their college. We will never tell them that they are prettier, smarter, or better than somebody else. To us they are fabulous people (perfect, crystalline, beautiful snowflakes), but to the rest of the world they are not anything special (just another snowflake in the pile of slush on the side of the road). We don't want our kids to ever feel that just because they were born means that they are in someway entitled to something ... that they somehow deserve the best just because somebody else has it. We want them to strive for the best, but be able to be content when things aren't at their best at all. Every single one of my children has a special gift that they can share with the world and use to the best of their ability, but that gift doesn't make them better than anybody else. It doesn't make them special. I think the worst thing that we can tell our children is that they are special. Elite - Smarter - Prettier - Faster - Funnier

The best thing that we can tell them is that they will always be a perfect little snowflake to us, but when they get out there into the giant snow storm of the world that other little snowflakes are there too and sometimes those snowflakes can benefit from your special gifts and sometimes you can learn from theirs.

Don't Give My Kid A Balloon !!!

2010-07-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

Whomever invented the balloon should be shot ... no wait .... they should be forced to ride in a mini van with 5 screaming children and the 27 balloons that they were just handed when they walked out of the birthday party. Oh yeah ... balloons popping like gun shots ... kids screaming when they accidentally let them go in the parking lot ... kids screaming when they pop each other's balloons ... parents screaming at the kids to keep the balloons down so that they can actually see out the back when they look in the rearview mirror so that they don't accidentally run the mini van off the side of a mountain. Although by the time you ride in a car with 5 screaming children and the remaining balloons that haven't been popped, spit on, rubbed on heads to create static and shock each other, or lost out the window ... then you are thinking that a little jaunt down the side of the mountain doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

Of course with my luck ... I would break every bone in my body and would be forced to lay in a hospital bed in a full body cast for months on end WHILE PEOPLE BROUGHT ME BALLOONS !!!

This One is a Daddy Lesson

2010-07-13T11:54:00.000-07:00

Those of you with children know that there are some lessons that can only be taught by the Mommy and some lessons that can only be taught by the Daddy. The Mommy gets to teach about leg shaving, eyebrow plucking, and the most horrific lesson ever - the "this is how you use a pad" lesson. I wanted to cry, scream, and puke all at the same time when I had to give that one.

Well the lesson that is quickly approaching is the moustache and shaving lesson. The "big talk" lesson is also quickly approaching, however Derek seems to think that just ignoring that problem will make it go way. Well all I have to say about that is "You can raise that grandbaby on your own bucko - this chick had the lesson with the 17 year old daughter and it was your turn to talk to the 16 year old son and you spent that night eating ice cream while watching the Pawn Stars marathon".

Both of the boys are growing those lovely ratty looking sort of moustaches where the hair only grows on the corners. If we lived in New Jersey and wore gold chains it might look cool and with time they might even grow in a full "Father Guido". However, we live in Oklahoma ... not cool. So I told Derek this morning that this was a "Daddy lesson", because I sure couldn't teach it. When he hesitated, I said "Well I could teach them how to shave their legs and pluck their eyebrows, but I don't think that that's a good look for redneck country". He went and bought shaving cream and razors today.

If You Ain't Learnin' ... Then You Ain't Livin'

2010-07-12T07:52:00.001-07:00

Don't you just love how I broke out the "hickspeak" for the title there. It sounds like the title of a Country & Western song.

Do you ever say to yourself, "I really need/want to learn how to do that"? Well here is your chance ... make a list of three things that you either need to learn how to do or have always wanted to know how to do. I consider myself a pretty independent person, but have recently discovered that my husband does a lot of stuff for me. Here are the three things that I am going to try to learn this week:

1. how to use a corkscrew wine opener (I know ... you probably thought that I only drank boxed wine, but sometimes I splurge on the $6.50 bottle of wine and I always have my husband open it for me)

2. how to use the grill (the husband always grills the food and it bothers me that I don't know how)

3. how to mow a lawn (even though I will never be able to use the phrase "I have never mowed a lawn" ever again, I really need to learn how)

I am actually kind of bummed that I am going to force myself to learn how to mow. I love the look on people's faces when I tell them that I have NEVER mowed a lawn. They look at me like "How is that possible?", "Do you live in a cave?", "Are you some sort of alien?". I just never had the need to. I got married when I was 18 and Derek has always done the yard care on his own and now that we have teenage boys, they have been learning how to do it. I am going to tell Derek that he also needs to teach his 37 year old wife and the 17 year old daughter too (so that she doesn't end up being somebody's 37 year old wife who has never mowed a lawn).

Lowe's and Behold ... We Owe A Lot of Money !

2010-07-09T10:16:00.001-07:00

$7,000 on the Lowe's card at 24.99% interest - I am going to give you a minute to get back up into your chair after reading that. We had the Lowe's card paid down to around $2,500 when our deadbeat renter from last year (the one that we had BEFORE we had this deadbeat renter) pretty much left the house in shambles while allowing their yappy little dog to pee in every room while smoking a cigarette. Yes, I do believe that the dog was smoking in there too. In fact I believe that they invited over every person in town to partake of their smoking rooms (aka our rent house). You are probably asking yourself "Will this chick ever learn?" and "Why are all of their renters deadbeats?" Well I did learn enough to take out the add in the paper that read:

Two bedroom, two bath house with carport, fenced yard, storage building, all appliances, and central heat/air ...... deadbeat renters who can't keep jobs, refuse to pay rent, have chickens that they keep indoors, and drug dealer friends are encouraged to apply !

So when the deadbeat renter from last year moved out, we had to replace all of the carpet, paint all of the rooms, replace some countertops and cabinets, replace mirrors, patch holes in the walls, buy new blinds, etc. etc. Of course when I say we in this scenario, I really mean Derek because I don't do much in the way of home improvements other than stand in the middle of the living room calling the deadbeat renters everything but a lima bean. The total for everything that we had to repair or replace was nearly $5,000 and since my name isn't Annie and I wasn't adopted by some rich, bald dude then we didn't have that kind of money. So it all went on the Lowe's card, which now has a balance of $7,000 at 24.99% interest. Which means that we are paying approximately $1,750 in interest EACH YEAR !!! (get back in your chair !)

So here is the plan .... I called Lowe's credit card service and of course, they don't lower their interest rates for anybody. Blah blah blah - we cut up the card and refuse to charge anything there ever again. Which means that they will probably have to fire a few people since we are no longer supporting the company, but hey that's just too bad. We have been working pretty hard in the past few months to pay off credit cards and hope to pay off two more this month. The plan is to pay Lowe's $1,000 a month until it is paid off. It is not going to be easy, but I am bound and determined to have that card paid off by my birthday next March. Of course, that will also be around the time that the current deadbeat renter decides that they have always wanted to cook a goat in the middle of the living room and that their pet buffalo is too scared to sleep outside.

Can't We All Just Get Along

2010-07-08T12:19:00.000-07:00

Somebody on one of the forums that I am a member of posted a question about how to get her two sons to stop fighting. I suggested this:

"My sons are only a year apart and they share a room. They fight a lot and it has come to blows more than once. When they are in one of those fighting moods then we force them to stay away from each other. They tend to fight more when they are bored too. Plus if we tell them that they are not allowed to be around each other, then they actually want to be around each other. My suggestion is to force separation ... sit them down for a family meeting and tell them that you are tired of the contant turmoil in the house and until they can learn to be nice to each other and get along then they won't be allowed to play together or spend time with each other. Find chores that they can do alone. Make them play alone. Make them watch TV in separate rooms. Making them see how lonely it can be without the other one around might help."

I honestly thought that this was a valid suggestion as it has worked for us. Riley and Bryce have had a few really intense fights and I know that if we would have let them "fight it out" then they would have seriously hurt each other. When a 14 year old boy and a 15 year old boy fight it is not a pretty sight. They punch. They kick. They throw things. Sure we could let them "fight it out" and really hurt each other (and probably break some walls and furniture in the process), but what would that teach them? Our society is violent enough as it is ... should we really be allowing our children to beat the crap out of each other when they argue over a toy or who gets to decide what video game to play?

I was shocked at the responses to the question. Really shocked. There were only two of us who answered along the lines of separating the fighters and stopping the fight. The rest said to just leave them alone and let them fight. Children who are mad are not rational. They want to hurt the other person. They can't control their anger.

I posted this in response:

If I have a problem with a coworker, would it be okay for me to go punch her in the face while the boss stands back and watches while we "work it out"? If we don't tolerate that kind of behavior for adults, why would we allow it for our kids ?

If the only way that a child can express their feelings is through physical force then they won't have the coping skills needed to resolve conflicts without hitting, kicking, biting, throwing things, etc. The last thing in the world that we need to be teaching our children is how to be more violent.

One of Those Days

2010-07-07T11:23:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those days where you wake up at 5 a.m. and feel like you might not make it to the bathroom before your bladder bursts - only to discover once you get there that evidently your bladder has burst because you are peeing blood? PEEING BLOOD !!!! It's not as much fun as it sounds.

A trip to the doctor, a diagnosis of a severe Urinary Tract Infection (I capitalized that because it is that important), and three prescriptions later I am sitting here at work feeling just awful. Not looking forward to the following ten days when the antibiotics will tear my stomach up AND give me a yeast infection. Plus I will be peeing orange. PEEING ORANGE !!!!

Stop Complaining and Start Changing

2010-07-06T07:25:00.000-07:00

One of the key things that I learned while doing CBT (Cognitive Behavorial Therapy) was that I am in control of my own thoughts, feelings, and actions and that I have the power to change things in my life that I am not happy with. I spent a lot of years believing that I was destined to be a certain way, when that is not the case at all. None of us are destined. We have the power to change things. The challenge for this week is to stop complaining about the things in your life that you do not like and start taking steps to change them. Write down three things in your life that you are upset about, not content with, or that you want to change. Write down and think about how you are handling those issues now and why the way that you are handling them is not working. Then come up with a plan to change your thoughts, attitudes, and actions. I will share with you the things that I am working on as examples (with the changes that I am planning on making in parentheses).

1. I have gained back about 20 pounds of the 50 pounds that I lost two years ago. I complain about the weight gain and how it makes my back hurt and makes me feel “blah” most of the time, yet I spend my evenings eating in front of the TV. (Do not turn on the TV unless there is something specific on that I want to watch – spend that “TV time” going for walks with my husband and the kids or doing yoga)

2. I would like to have a closer relationship with my children, yet I spend my evenings watching TV in my room with the door closed while the kids watch TV in their rooms. (have “no TV days” where the family plays games together or goes hiking in the mountains)

3. I complain about the amount of debt that we have, yet we go somewhere nearly every weekend just to have something to do and we buy things that we really don’t need. We also spend way too much money on take-out food. (find inexpensive ways to entertain ourselves or work on projects at home – cook more meals together and eat together at the dining room table)

I have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, yet expecting different results. I spent way too many years being insane … going to try something new.

It's Official ......

2010-07-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

.... as of today I have five teenagers ! My babies turn 13 today. Emily talked to me about the important landmark in time of finally becoming a teenager ... then she asked when she was going to get a cell phone and whether or not she could now watch "The Hangover". The answer to the cell phone question was "you are not getting one" and the answer to the movie question was "HELL NO". To which she replied in a high pitched tone, "Why not? I am a teenager now?" After I stopped rolling around in the floor laughing, I said, "Oh yeah ... that and a dime will get you ... wait ... a dime won't get you a damn thing ... so that and I dime will get you ten cents." She was not amused and stomped out of the room with a huff, an eye roll, and a door slam. Oh yeah - she's a teenager !

We Little Piggies Ain't Scared

2010-07-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning Derek told Bryce to go upstairs and put his shoes on because they were going to mow the yard. Bryce proceeded to walk upstairs and complain to Riley that he didn't want to mow the yard, so Riley (who loves to mow) volunteered to do it for him. After all of the mowing was done (while Bryce sat on his ass in front of the tv), Bryce had the nerve to come outside and ask Derek if he would drive him out to his friend's house. THE NERVE ! Derek told him that he didn't want to drive him out there and evidently when you don't want to do something then you don't have to. Bryce huffed ! He actually huffed ! Oh he has perfected the huff ... along with the eye roll ... the sulking silence ... the "why not?" ... the stomp up the stairs ... and the all important door slam. Oh yeah ... its a virtual greatest hits of the teenager with a bad attitude. He has yet to figure out that when you lay around all week long watching tv and eating that we are not going to go out of our way to give you money to go places or drive you to those places.

I read an article once about raising teenagers and the summary of it was that God made babies so cute and cuddly so that we would love them, take care of them, and want them around. God made teenagers so hard to get along with, with a horrible attitude, and an awful smell so that we wouldn't mind so much when they move out. AMEN TO THAT ONE !!

No More Free Skittles For You Mr. Senator

2010-06-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

I had the "pleasure" of spending a few days at the state Capitol in March and I really think that everybody should make the trip up there are least once in their life. I was truly amazed at a lot of things, one of them being the irony of debating the state budget while they sit and eat their free snacks. Free snacks? Oh yes - snacks ! There is a whole spread of snack type items at the front of the chambers for them to munch on. There is also free drinks and the state government even pays pages to bring that stuff to them. I say that we do away with the free drinks and snacks for them and install soda machines, snack machines, and coffee machines right there in the back of the room. If Senator Knowsitall wants a bag of Skittles then he can haul his happy ass to the back of the room and pay a buck for them. He sure doesn't need some high school girl in a short skirt to giggle and laugh at him every time he beckons her to run an errand for him (that is a post for another day). The point that I am trying to make is that there are plenty of places that we can save money in government and it can start with the free snack spread for the elected officials. I could be completely off base here - there could be somebody who goes around to all of the Senators and Reps on a monthly basis and collects money for the snack fund .... there could be ...

He Can't Even Find His Way Around the Block

2010-06-29T07:15:00.000-07:00

The sixteen year old girl that was lost at sea while trying to sail around the world returned home last night. Derek and I were talking about it this morning while I was getting ready for work. "Can you imagine sending Bryce (our 16 year old son) around the world in a sailboat?" To which Derek replied, "Honey, I worry sometimes that he won't find his way home from the park and that is just four blocks away."

Glad I Wasn't at Woodstock

2010-06-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

Thursday I drank the gallon of evil. Friday I was doped out of my mind. Not a good combination. I figured out that after you drink a glass of the gallon of evil, then chase it with really strong limeade, then chew on a piece of Juicy Fruit gum, you can actually get the whole thing down without puking it back up. It is also better to be able to chug the whole glass in one drink ... if you stop to take a breath then you get a whiff and a taste of it and at the time waterboarding seems like a better option than drinking the rest of the glass.

Whatever they give people to knock them out for colonoscopies does NOT interact well with this chick. Anybody remember the hummus incident from last year ... yeah ... not pretty. I told the nurse as she was rolling me into the procedure room that I was not going to come out of it well and she said that she would tell the other nurses so they would be prepared. The time said 7:48 on the big digital clock. The doctor was talking to me about whether or not I had drank the entire gallon of evil. The nurse injected the "good stuff" into my IV and then it all went loopy. Why the hell do people want to feel like that? It is not a good feeling.

I don't remember getting dressed to come home (Derek claims that he dressed me, but who knows .... circus clowns and monkeys in tutus could have dressed me and I wouldn't have known any different). I vaguely remember stopping at Sonic and getting a Sprite ... which I promptly puked back up into the blue condom looking thing that the nurse must have given me before we left the hospital. But that didn't stop me from drinking more Sprite (hey - I was thirsty !), which I promptly puked back up into the giant blue condom thing again .... I evidently did this several times while poor Derek was trying to drive us home. I also evidently missed the big blue condom thing at some point and puked on myself (it's a good thing that Sprite is clear), which made me laugh and cry at the same time. Derek was laughing when he told me about it later on. So glad that he enjoyed the day. I however DID NOT !!!

The good news is that they didn't find any polyps and I don't have to go back for 3 years !!! WOO - HOO !!! The bad news is that I basically don't remember the past 3 days and I could have been running down the street wearing nothing but the monkey's tutu and the circus clown's big floppy shoes and I wouldn't even know it. So if you see me on the news or on youtube please don't make rude comments. I was doped up ! I had always thought that I would have made an awesome flower child, but after this incident I think that I would have been too out of it for even Woodstock.

A Really Cool Thing

2010-06-26T10:45:00.000-07:00

I am so jealous of talented people !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osQNO6Tt9hs

The Gallon of Evil

2010-06-24T06:23:00.000-07:00

Today is the day I have been dreading for months now. The Gallon of Evil day. I mixed it up last night and added one of the flavor packets to it. I love that they give you flavor packets. Here drink this cherry flavored bleach water .... yum ... yum. The flavor packet choices are cherry (um ... gross), orange (um ... even grosser), lemon-lime (ew), pineapple (already tried that one years ago and it just ruined me for pineapple flavored anything), and citrus berry. I went with the citrus berry. So the Gallon of Evil is now sitting and waiting for me at home in my refrigerator. Lurking. Stalking. Plotting evil things. It's probably in there trying to talk the milk into going bad .... making weapons out of the carrots and staging a revolt with the olives. I think that I can hear it laughing from here. Muahahahahaha !

There will more than likely not be a post tomorrow, because whatever they give people to knock them out for a colonoscopy turns me into a babbling idiot for about three days. So if there does end up being a post about monkeys in tutus being attacked by ninja bananas, please just disregard it and I will be back to my semi-sane state next Monday.

WARNING ! Those Cute Little Babies Turn into Evil Teenagers !

2010-06-23T06:28:00.000-07:00

For all of you mothers of daughters ... be warned. If you ever tell her that she is not allowed to talk to or date a certain boy then she is going to do anything and everything in her power to do exactly that .. why? Because he is just the most fabulous thing on the face of the earth and even though she is just barely 17, she knows everything about relationships and there is noooooooooooo way that he is only after her for "one thing" and they are best friends and even though he is about to turn 21 he would NEVER try to talk her into doing something that she didn't want to do. She knows that we check the phone bills and she has been talking to him on a daily basis. He has been "sniffing around" since she was 15 and he was 18 and she knows how we feel about the age difference. We are trying to stay calm .... DAMMIT !

Anybody want to help me build my fort of wine boxes?

Excuses for My Depravity

2010-06-22T08:54:00.000-07:00

I had chocolate cake for breakfast. Yes - I have gained back ten pounds and Yes - I know why I have gained back ten pounds. I eat out of boredom. I did it last night. Wasn't really hungry yet I made myself a bowl of popcorn with http://www.kernelseasons.com/ on it while laying in bed watching The Bachelorette. Noticing that those people on there sure do consume a lot of alcoholic beverages ... which made me go downstairs and mix cranberry juice with coconut rum.

We did soooooooooooo well before we went to Vegas and both Derek and I had actually lost some poundage, but while we were there we tied on the feed bags at the fabulous restaurants and all hell broke loose. Now we are back in glutton mode. What the heck is wrong with us?

Thursday I have to drink "The Gallon of Evil" in prep for my colonoscopy on Friday. I am going to use that as my jump off point for a new way of eating. I can only have clear liquids on Thursday along with "The Gallon of Evil" .... chicken broth, apple juice, Sprite, etc. I can have Jello, but recently learned how Jello is made so will NEVER be eating that again. So I have one more day to stuff myself with horrific foods before the day of hell that will kick off the new weight loss program. Burger and fries for lunch with the 55 gallon drum sized Dr. Pepper. Sure. Why not ?

Unplug and Reconnect

2010-06-21T09:19:00.000-07:00

I spend way too much time in front of either a computer screen or a tv screen - not really doing anything constructive. Just sitting and zoning out. We don't have the fancy schmancy cable package with hundreds of channels, but the 50 or so channels that we do have don't usually have much on them anyway. Why do I do it? Couldn't my time be better spent doing something else. So that is this week's challenge to myself. To unplug and reconnect. To unplug my fat ace from the chair or the bed and to reconnect with my kids, my husband, or my love of reading. I challenge you to do the same. Get outside and suck up some sunshine ! It will do you a lot more good than watching Jersey Shore - I promise !

When They Grow Up - Part 1

2010-06-18T07:33:00.000-07:00

My kids are always telling us about all of the fabulous things that that they are going to do when they grow up. Well Derek and I have been writing a list of all of the fabulous things that we are going to do when they grow up too. The list grew every time we went to use something of ours and it was gone, every time that we went to eat something that we had bought just for us and it was gone, or every time that we found something that the children had torn up and forgot to tell us about. This morning I went to use one of the three pairs of scissors that I keep in the bathroom drawer to cut open one of those little conditioner packets that are impossible to open without scissors and guess what ... there were not any scissors in the drawer. Some evil elves must have broken into the house in the middle of the night and stolen all three pairs of scissors. They are probably the same elves that leave all of the cabinet doors open in the kitchen, leave their shoes in the middle of the hallway, drink the $6 per bottle cranberry juice that I bought just for me, and use my nail polish to paint with. Those damn elves !!

The other day Rachel borrowed the van to drive a few of her friends down to Sonic. When we got in the van to leave the next morning there was pink goo all over the dash, down the side of the door, and ON THE FRONT WINDSHIELD !!! When I pointed it out to Rachel she gave me the usual "who are you and what are those words coming out of that hole in your face" look. "Oh my bad .... Jessica dropped her shake last night and she told me that she would clean it up". She is going to think "my bad" when she gets her first car and her daddy and I drive it down to Sonic for the biggest strawberry shakes on the planet ! I sure hope that we don't drop them all over the car .... oops ! My bad !

So when our kids grow up, we are going to visit them and bring along the evil elves so that they too can experience the joys of:

- somebody running up and down the stairs and screaming like they are on fire at 6 o'clock in the morning .... followed by slamming every door in the house at least twelve times

- using all of the spoons to get rock hard ice cream out so that they bend into lovely origami shapes

- trash thrown in the general direction of the trash can but NEVER actually making it in the can

- using every single cup in the cabinet each and every time you get a drink

- soaking the hand towel so that it is dripping in the floor when somebody wants to dry their hands

- opening bags of chips, boxes of crackers, boxes of cereal, jars of pickles, etc., etc. and leaving them just sitting on the cabinet.

Oh yeah ... me and the elves are going to have some fun !!!

Seeing How I Used to Be

2010-06-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

Tonight I have to spend time with a member of my husband's family that is on meds similar to the ones that made me crazy. It is tough for me to be around people who are on meds like that, especially when they act the way that I used to act (and she does). Being around them brings back horrible memories of the way I treated people and the stupid things that I used to say or do. I am trying to be calm about it, but am really dreading it. I am trying to talk myself into seeing it as research for my second book. Maybe I will just sit and babble incoherent things with her and that will make me feel better.

We Love it When They Tell on Themselves

2010-06-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

The younger four childrens walked down to the park last night ... we had to force three of them to go actually. If we had told them "no ... you absolutely cannot go to the park" then they would have whined and begged to go, but because we wanted to spend some time alone they decided that they really didn't want to go. Well too bad you are going anyway ... and you are going to run and jump and laugh and play and you will have fun whether you like it or not ... DAMMIT !

After being at the park for about an hour, it started to cloud up and storms were looming. Bryce called the house to tell us that they were walking home, only he couldn't find Riley and wanted to know if he had already come back to the house. He had not. We went straight into panic parent mode. Derek got in the van and drove down to the park. I didn't really have a fear that somebody had grabbed him. I had more of a fear that he was off with his buddies doing something stupid. This is the same kid who broke into the abandoned hotel during his lunch break just for the shits and giggles of it.

Derek found him at one of his friend's houses that lives right across the street from the park. Riley swore that Bryce knew that he was over there. Bryce swore that he did not ... and logic tells me that if he had known where his brother was then he wouldn't have called the house to ask if he was there ... um ... duh ! So I proceeded to yell and scream at Riley about trust, and responsibility, and dope smoking (oh yes ... I was on a tangent). Riley proceeded to loudly declare "I go over there every time that we go to the park" to which I replied "well then you are a dumb ass for telling on yourself". Yes - I called my fourteen year old son a dumb ass .... why? .... because he was being a DUMB ASS !!! Not only was he not where he was supposed to be (which is a big thing with us), but he proceeded to tell us that he was not where he was supposed to be EVERY time that he went to the park ! DUMB ASS !

Like the time that Bryce snuck away from the house and broke his arm while skateboarding at the park .... he lied about where he was and Rachel lied for him to help cover it up. Until I got a call from the principal at school telling me that the rumor going around school was that Bryce had broken his arm at the park, so I asked Rachel "do your know where your brother was when he broke his arm?" to which she replied "I didn't even know that he was at the skatepark." Derek and I busted out laughing. "I didn't even mention the skatepark". I just love it when they tell on themselves.

We Are All Hypocrital Crackheads

2010-06-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

After watching coverage this weekend of the BP oil spill and the outrage over it, I began to wonder if maybe we aren't all just a little bit responsible ourselves. Isn't the demand for oil what drove those execs to demand that drilling continue even under dangerous conditions? If we didn't demand so much of it, would the conditions have been safer?

It's as if we are all addicted to crack and must have our daily fix, but when the crack house that we normally buy our stash from suddenly explodes and spreads chemicals into the air we are angry. We e-mail politicians. We march with signs outside headquarters. We hold town hall meetings. Then we turn right back around and search out a new crack house. We are the very example of hypocrites. Damn you oil companies and your unsafe practices ... oh wait ... let's drive the car 1,000 miles for vacation this summer. We are addicted to oil ... plain and simple and until we stop that addiction then the crack houses (oil companies) are going to keep supplying our stash to us at all costs.

Do we have the right to be angry or should maybe some of that anger be directed at ourselves? For the past few weeks, I have been trying my hardest to stay home on the weekends. I drive to work every day, but maybe the not driving on the weekends will help cure my own addiction to oil in some small way. It's a baby step .... but if we all did it could it make a huge difference?

Confessions of a Grilling Virgin

2010-06-11T12:33:00.000-07:00

Derek and I had been planning on cooking out Ranch Burgers pretty much all week, but with his dad being in the hospital our cook-out plans kept getting pushed back. The meat was slowly browning in the refrigerator and I didn't want to let $16 of hamburger go to waste so I decided that me and the kids could figure this out (with a phone-a-friend option). I mixed the ranch salad dressing mix, meat, and cheese together (Derek normally adds bacon bits too, but I forgot). I made little patties for the first time ever and proceeded to try to figure out how to turn the damn grill on. I confess that I have never mowed a lawn, vacuumed a room, or grilled anything, but I a woman "hear me roar" so by gosh I was going to figure this out. I turned the tank on ... heard the little clicks ... turned the main dial on .... stuck the lit Aim N Flame down in the grill .... NOTHING .... turned the main off and back on ... stuck the lit Aim N Flame back down in the grill ... NOTHING ... turned the tank back off ... turned it back on ... stuck the lit Aim N Flame back down in the grill ... NOTHING. Proceeded to call Derek, who by this time was driving his dad home from the hospital. HE LAUGHED AT ME !!! Sure I wanted him to come show me how to light the damn thing, but he didn't have to get such perverse enjoyment out of the fact that I couldn't figure it out. What an ass !!! An ass that can light the grill on the first try.

Riley pretty much took over the grilling after we finally got it lit and flaming. He loved it, so who was I to step in and take away his enjoyment. I just walked outside every few minutes to make sure that he hadn't burned his eyebrows off. "Hey mom ... check this out ... if you squish the burgers and let the grease run down into the fire then the flames can almost reach my face."

"STEP AWAY FROM THE GRILL" ... wait rethink that .... if I don't let him grill then I have to do it myself. "JUST TRY NOT TO SINGE OFF ANYTHING IMPORTANT" Sometimes you just have to let them make their own mistakes.

Collecting Stones

2010-06-10T11:58:00.000-07:00

An amazing story about how passion, love, and patience can turn the most simple of things (a stone) into something beautiful.

http://www.theparistraveler.com/2008/07/ferdinand-cheval-and-his-palais-ideal/

(thanks for the link Amity)

The Manic in the Mirror

2010-06-09T08:03:00.000-07:00

Most of the nine years that I was on Paxil I was hypomanic. Hypomanic is basically "manic light". You aren't completely bat shit crazy ... but you are close and you sure do drive the people around you nutso with your constant moving around and your fabulous ideas. When I changed my dose in January of 2006 (cutting it in half per my dumb ass doctor's advice), I became full blown manic. I had probably been in "poop out" (tolerance of sorts) for a few years and didn't know at the time that pretty much everybody reaches a form of tolerance on SSRIs - most end up at their doctor's who either switches the meds, increases the dose of the med they are taking, or ads another med. Fortunately for me, I never told my doctor about my mania. I know that I would now have a bipolar diagnosis and would probably be on a med-go-round like millions of others if I had.

The horrible withdrawal pretty much just proved to me what my mother had been telling me for years - that I was destined to "need" these meds for life (WRONG ! WRONG ! WRONG!), so I went back up to my 20 mg per day dose. Increasing the dose back up made me absolutely nuts ! The really sad thing was that I had no idea that it was the meds that were actually causing the mania. I just couldn't see it. Dr. Peter Breggin uses the word "spellbound" to describe this. The person on meds thinks that the pills are helping them when they are actually causing all sorts of problems.

So for those of you who know somebody who takes psychotropic medications and have begun to wonder if the pills are causing more harm than good ... here is a list of very common symptoms of mania:

* constantly has grand ideas that are ALWAYS better than everybody else's ideas (I would actually try to convince people that my ideas were the best by yelling, screaming, crying, and throwing fits to rival a two year old)

* insomnia and the belief that they really don't need that much sleep because there is too much to get done to waste time actually sleeping (my insomnia lead to a prescription for Ambien ... which just made the crazy even crazier)

* absolutely no fear of consequences (I literally used to throw things at people and pour drinks on them - I didn't even care that it made them mad)

* talking fast and talking over people (I thought I "won" every argument if I could just bully the other person into stopping talking .... just talk louder and faster and eventually the other person will give up)

* racing thoughts (I told people that I thrived on chaos when I was actually creating the chaos - always a new "get rich quick" idea, always a new class to take, always a new job to do - raise dogs, sell toys, get a part-time job tutoring, sell cosmetics, sell real estate, take on an exchange student, etc., etc. - it was never ending)

* impulsiveness ( I had absolutely no filter between my brain and my mouth - if I thought it then I said it ... if I thought that your hat was ugly then I told you ... if I thought that you looked fat in that dress then I told you ... if I thought that me saying something might hurt your feelings ... even better)

* inflated ego (At the time I was probably a good 40 pounds overweight, dressed like Liberace, was rude to everybody, talked loud, threw things, and had a hair style that looked like it was done with a weedeater - yet I thought that I was the sexiest thing on the planet ... oh yeah ... everybody wanted me)

I am coming up on the three year anniversary of my rebirthday (my last day on meds was August 25, 2007) and am so happy to be alive and well and no longer the Manic in the Mirror.

Redneck Woman Recipe

2010-06-08T12:50:00.000-07:00

For those of you that follow Pioneer Woman, you know that she makes all sorts of homemade yummies from scratch - heck she probably even grounds her own flour from wheat that she grew in her bathtub - well if you are reading this blog in the hopes of getting some fabulous recipe for sweet goodies then you better just click the unfollow button now ... in the words of my redneck friends "it ain't gonna happen". However, I can share with you this simple little recipe that I stole and modified from a magazine ... incredibly simple ... incredibly tasty !

Mix together:

1 - 15 ounce can of pumpkin
1 - carrot cake mix

THAT'S IT !!! NOTHING ELSE TO ADD !!! JUST THE POWDERED MIX AND THE PUMPKIN !

Grease a muffin pan and plop the mixture into the pan - it makes 12 muffins
Bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes and Voila (ain't ya impressed that I speak French)!

Now I bet you can't wait for next week when I share my world famous recipes for frozen pizza and nuked corn dogs !

Maybe the Grass was Browner

2010-06-07T13:46:00.000-07:00

Sitting out on my deck yesterday afternoon enjoying the shade of my umbrella (the one that I bitched about Derek buying, but have to admit that I now love ... are you happy now honey? I admitted it AGAIN ! jeez !), I got a text message from a lady that I used to teach with. She just couldn't wait to fill me in on the latest bit of gossip that was going around about another teacher - one that I used to be fairly close to before all of my scandal hit. This teacher was a person that I admired, looked up to, and was in fact jealous of for years. Beautiful new house. Two Masters degrees. Dream job. Everything that I had thought that I had lost when all of my shit hit the fan. The gossip was not pretty .... I doubt that she will ever read this blog, but just in case she does I will not repeat it. However, I did discover that she filed for divorce last month and even though I haven't talked to her in close to four years it broke my heart.

I can't quite put my finger on why it is hitting me so hard, but I have just been on the cusp of tears for two days now. Maybe it's because it was a humbling experience to realize that the person that I envied didn't really have it all after all and that even though I have legal issues, even though I have money issues, even though I have job issues ..... my grass is in some ways greener. I have Derek. I have the kids. I have my true friends (especially Amity). I have the things that are so much more important than just things. I have the knowledge that happiness doesn't come in pill form. I have the second chance that a pair of handcuffs and a jail cell gave me. I have the ability to help other people and the empathy to feel bad for an old friend even though I haven't talked to her in years. I have greener grass and I will stop comparing it to the grass that just looks green on the outside.

Gosh ... Why Didn't I Think of That?

2010-06-04T07:33:00.000-07:00

Rachel is bound and determined to move out of the house next year after she graduates high school. At first I fought the idea, but am slowly coming to peace with it. We have an apartment type building in our backyard that has a bedroom and a bathroom in it (it was built as a pool house). I told her that she could live there while she went to college, but she would have to continue to follow our house rules. Well of course, that was the dumbest idea ever thought of by a human and besides our rules are already "choking her" (yes she actually told me that ... to which my response was "choking ? really? you want to see choking ... I will show you some choking sister").

So a few weeks ago, I casually mentioned to Derek that Rachel and a few of her buddies could rent one of our rent houses from us. She thinks that she is all big, bad, and grown-up then she can find some roommates and they can share all of the expenses. It would be a great transition to move from our house, just one block away, to the rent house and have to pay her own bills, while still have "mommy and daddy" close by ... just in case. Derek told me that if I told her about this idea then she wouldn't go for it ... and I agreed because, after all ... Derek and I are the two dumbest people on the planet and we don't know anything about anything.

Rachel printed out the price sheet for the dorms the other day and was griping about how expensive they are. I casually suggested that she could find a rent house in town and get a couple of roommates. Her wittle face just lit up. The heavens opened up, the angels were singing, and the sun was beaming down as her brain processed the perfect idea. "OH MY GOSH MOMMA ! Me and Sammie and Taylor could rent your rent house." I just had to smile as I told her, "Well I don't know about that .... Daddy and I will have to think about it"

I am So Smart ... I Should Work for BP

2010-06-03T09:00:00.001-07:00

Somebody needs to come up with a vending machine size oil refining machine and place them all along the gulf. Then let people come out there and scoop up as much as oil as they can and refine it themselves. Then BP would be scrambling to stop that oil (aka money) from getting out.

Follow This Person .... Or Else

2010-06-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

I am just kidding on the "or else" part, just trying to get your attention. My "friend" from the dooce community has a blog that is chock full of snarky goodness and you should read it ... even better - you should follow her blog. She and I keep joking about how shallow we are that we love to see our following numbers go up .... so go follow this cool chick ... she might even send you a cookie ! (okay - probably not on the cookie thing ... but it will make her happy)

http://wombatcentral.blogspot.com/

Playing Catch with the Universe

2010-06-01T09:21:00.000-07:00

For some background information on this post ... please read this post first

http://a-slapintheface.blogspot.com/2010/02/letter-i-need-to-write.html

Well I finished the letter. I have rewritten it soooooooooooo many times. Wondering if it was too much to say. Wondering if it wasn't enough. Wondering if I would ever even have the chance to ever read it to this person. Wondering if it will make any difference. Slowly realizing that it didn't matter. I finished it. I printed it out. I put it in my purse. I have made the first step. I have thrown it out into the universe and now I just have to wait for the universe to catch it and throw something back. If the universe puts the right people in my path, you will be the first to know.

Almost Called Home by the Mother Ship

2010-05-28T08:30:00.000-07:00

What a way to start off a Friday. Change out the external hard drive for the server and immediately it starts letting out some strange dinging sound. It has never done that before. Why is it doing that? Obviously something is very wrong and if I don't contact technical support to figure this out immediately then all of our precious data will be lost to the winds for all time. So I being the good little worker that I am, log on to the website of the manufacturer and proceed to tell them via tech support chat that the external drive is making some sort of strange dinging sound every five minutes. Their suggestions - unplug it ... did that - no change, run diagnostics program ... did that - no change, try a different USB cord ... did that - no change. Still dinging. So I called somebody into my office to make sure that it wasn't a noise that only I could here, because the mother ship could be calling me home at any second and if so then I have a lot of packing to do.

Well it took her one set of dinging to discover that the noise was not coming from the hard drive, that it was in fact coming from my purse. IT WAS THE LOW BATTERY TONE ON MY SON'S CELL PHONE !!! Holy shit ! I need a box of wine ! Maybe the mother ship does need to bring me in for some repairs ... I am obviously too stupid to remain on this planet. Oh wait a second .... if the Tea Baggers get to stay then I am probably safe.

Pack Your Tool Box and Use It

2010-05-27T06:35:00.000-07:00

Agoraphobia (the fear of crowded places and leaving the house) is very common for people on these types of meds (antidepressants, anxiety meds, antipsychotics, etc.) and during tapering and withdrawal. It gets better in time, plus you have to work at it. I used to plan big, elaborate trips when I was on Paxil all of the time, but when the time came to leave I would always find some excuse not to go and would cancel the whole trip. It was just easier to stay home. Plus whenever I would go somewhere, I would have an anxiety attack and then my brain would start thinking "I knew that I should have stayed home. I knew that this would happen. I have to get out of here right now." It turns into a vicious cycle.

The only way to break the cycle is to force yourself to confront the fears and to pack a "tool box" of ways to deal with the anxiety once it hits. I used to have a horrible time when I would go to the movies, especially sci-fi or action movies and would end up leaving and missing half of the movie. Once Ranger (from www.paxilprogress.org)taught me to stop fearing the anxiety, it made all the difference in the world. I would make a plan before I would go somewhere. I would tell myself "okay - if this movie upsets you or makes you anxious then you just go walk around the lobby for a few minutes until the feeling passes". It worked ! Staying away from the situations that make you nervous just "feeds the monster" and validates the irrational fears (which is not what you need).

One of the most important tools in my tool box was the ability to stop and analyze what I was feeling at the moment and to be able to dissect the thoughts. For example: If I was in a crowded place and became anxious then my normal response would be to want to flee the situation as fast as I could. Once I stopped fearing the anxiety I was able to tell myself "this feeling is only temporary and you know that there really isn't anything here that will harm you - take a break and walk around outside if you need to, but DO NOT RUN away from the situation". It takes some practice to be able to do it, but it can be done.

Even if it is just going out and sitting on your front porch to read a book, it's so very important to take that first step out the door (and take your tool box with you).

Where Do You Get Pirana Chow?

2010-05-25T13:13:00.000-07:00

The question was asked on one of the forums that I belong to about what 5 things would you do if you won the lottery - this is my answer:

1. Trip to Vegas for all of my close friends and the family members that I still talk to

2. Buy one square mile of land

3. Build house on previously purchased one square mile of land

4. Install moat around house

5. Fill moat with piranas trained to attack people that I do not like who might show up at my house trying to be all nice to me now that I have won the lottery

A Recovering Helicopter

2010-05-25T07:00:00.000-07:00

A new book has come out talking about "helicopter parents" who are constantly monitoring and "hovering" around their children. I would like to think that Derek and I not this type of parent, but lately I have caught myself saying things that are helicopterish (yes - that's a word - I just made it up). For example, our eldest girl child (aka Princess Cinderella) is supposed to be giving Derek at least $100 a week to put in her savings account to buy herself a car. For the past two weeks she hasn't given him any money to put in the account. However, she has purchased some new clothes and has spent a ton of money on junk food. Well the other parental unit and I have decided to stop reminding her about the money. If she wants to bum rides to work for the rest of her life then that is her problem. She thinks that she is so big, bad, and grown up. Well grown ups don't get reminders about what to do with their money (unless of course they don't pay the bills and then Guido shows up with a baseball bat).

We also have three children on the honor roll. We NEVER have to ask them where their report cards are because they bring them to us - what a concept! The other two (yes the older two) either throw theirs away or hide them so that we won't see how bad their grades are. Well the oldest boy child has now turned 16 and if he doesn't have a certain grade point average then he will not be allowed to join the military. Is that going to be our fault? Um .... nope ! I think that we are still going to stick with the grounding them for bad grades, but we are going to stop "reminding" them about major assignments and make-up work. It's not that we don't care, it's just that they don't seem to care much either and we are tired of worrying about it. If college and/or the military are that important to them then they better get their stuff straight and start being more responsible. No more helicoptering over the grades either !

Of course when you have been in helicopter mode for years, it is hard to stop the hovering, but we are going to try our darndest. We might discover that we have a whole lot of extra time on our hands when we stop worrying so much about every little thing that the "semi-adults" are doing. More time to drink boxed wine !

Circus Clowns on Crack Checks

2010-05-21T07:37:00.000-07:00

Back in the days when I was bat shit crazy I dressed like a combination of Dame Edna and Liberace. Combine this with the "stuck a calico cat in a blender" hairstyle and not only did I act crazy, I looked crazy too. The craziness carried over into every area of my life - from the multicolored kitchen cabinets (every door and drawer front a different color with stars painted on them) to the checks that I ordered. Derek was raised in a "we only buy the plain blue checks" kind of family. However, I was raised in the "I am going to buy the checks with the monkeys in tutus on them because I am doped out of my mind ... hey is that a turtle" kind of family. Crazy begets crazy !

I ordered new checks today and I picked some rather plain ones with stripes on them. However, I am going to tell Derek (complete with a print out to show him) that I ordered these .... he he he ! I am evil ! muahahahahahaha! I like to call them the Circus Clowns on Crack checks ... I wonder if they come with their own hit of acid.

He Baffled the Lab Dudes

2010-05-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

Derek and I both had to have mini-physicals (go ahead and sing the Olivia Newton John tune in your head while you read this - I give you permission) for our life insurance applications. I have been waiting for a few years to be able to purchase life insurance (turns out that people on probation die younger or some bullshit like that) so actually getting to the physical exam part was thrilling for me. We were supposed to have ours done at our house about an hour before Derek was supposed to start drinking "the prep" for his colonoscopy last week. It was just not a good day for him. Well the nurse had a personal emergency and couldn't make it, so we went flying (not literally) up to the lab so we could have our blood drawn, our blood pressure taken, and give a urine sample (as if it was some sort of gift or something) and then had to get back home so he could drink the "bowel cleanser".

Well we got a phone call yesterday ... evidently there is nothing wrong with my samples. Derek on the other hand has to go back and give two more urine samples. Evidently his pee is the gift that keeps on giving. The lab people and the insurance people will not tell us what is wrong with his urine sample, but I can only imagine that the conversation in the lab went something like this:

"Hey man - you gotta come see this. I have never seen a urine sample like it"

"What are you talking about ... what can be so special about this one?"

"Well other lab dude - I don't think that this is urine .... I think that this guy actually peed out Mountain Dew"

"What ? How is that even possible?"

"I think that's really Mountain Dew and OH MY GOSH .... is that a bacon bit floating in there?"

Starfish Flinger

2010-05-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

Copied from "One Month to Live" by Kerry and Chris Shook

A businessman visiting a resort community left his hotel early one morning to take a walk. When he reached the shoreline, he came upon a stunning sight: countless starfish had washed up on the beach during the night in a high tide. They were still moving, still alive, clambering all over one another, trying to get back into the ocean. He knew it wouldn't be long until the tropical sun would bake the poor creatures trapped there on the sand. He wished he could do something, but there were thousands of them, as far as his eye could see, and there was no way he could make a dent in saving them.

So he went on his way. Walking farther down the beach, he came upon a little boy who leaned over, scooped up a starfish and flung it like a Frisbee into the ocean. He repeated the process over and over again, picking up speed, obviously trying to save as many as possible.

Once the man realized what the little boy was doing, he felt it was his responsibility to help the boy by informing him of a harsh life lesson. He walked up to the child and said, "Son, let me tell you. What you're doing here is noble, but you can't save all these starfish. There are thousands of them. The sun's getting really hot, and they're all going to die. You might as well just go on your way and play. You really can't make a difference here."

The little boy didn't say anything at first; he just stared at the businessman. Then he stooped down and picked up another starfish, flung it out into the ocean as far as he could, and said, "Well, I just made all the difference for that one."

I read that story last night and it couldn't have come at a better time. It's funny how the world works sometimes. I had been so down on myself lately about my whole situation - just sure that things were not going to ever get any better - just sure that I wasn't make a difference - just sure that I was "stuck" where I was. If Derek and I hadn't decided to go on a mini-date to Sonic, and the system at Sonic hadn't gone haywire causing us to sit there and wait for 30 minutes, then I never would have picked up the book that has been in the floorboard of the van for months. I wouldn't have read that story at just the right time. The right time for me to see that I don't have to save the world today ... I just have to keep flinging starfish. My story might make "all the difference for that one".

Good News .... Bad News

2010-05-18T14:43:00.000-07:00

Good News - the one polyp that they removed from my husband's "nether regions" was not cancerous nor precancerous ! Woo - hoo !!!

Bad News - they wrote me my prescription for Colite (aka Go Lightly) - just seeing it sitting on my kitchen counter is going to make me gag - damn me and my Amazonian height (who knew that tall people had longer intestines)

We Should Have Listened to the Human Trader

2010-05-17T07:53:00.000-07:00

In 2000, Derek and I went to see the remake of Planet of the Apes. Ok - it wasn't an Oscar worthy performance by any means, but it did have some clever little comments. One that we laughed at was spoken by the "human trader". He was the little monkey guy who rounded up all the wild humans and took them down to the shelter so that the apes could come through and pick them out for use as slaves. The leader of the apes brought his niece down to the shelter to pick out one of the humans to keep as a pet. She picked out a little girl to take home and keep in a cage in her room. Oh how sad. Well before they left the shelter, the human trader pulls the uncle over to the side and warns him that before the human turns into a teenager that they needed to take it out to the woods and "let it go" because "they last thing that you want in your house is a human teenager". Derek and I laughed. That was ten years ago. Our kids were tiny then and oooooooooh so cute. Little did we know that truer words have never been spoken.

In July, the twins will turn 13, which will mean that we will have five teenagers living in our house. Five !! 5 !! Cinco !! (for my spanish speaking friends) The human trader was right ! People tend to forget that those cute little toddlers grow up to be teenagers who smell worse than barn animals, have the lovely ability to roll their eyes at every single thing that you say, are able to flunk an English class even though the fact that they don't actually do any work in the class is NEVER their fault, and will eat anything that doesn't try to bite them first. I had bananas laying on the counter for over a week so they could get brown enough for me to use them in banana bread. SOMEBODY ATE THEM !!! If I had told them "you have to eat those brown bananas" they would have rolled their eyes, let out some barn animal noise and flunked a class in protest of my meanness ! Why didn't we listen to the human trader ???? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ?