Digging the Depression Hole

I have anniversaries of bad dates. Everybody has them. Some people's are a lot less tragic than mine, some are so much worse. I have three dates that stick out in my mind as bad dates. Today is one of those dates. March 31 is to me a bad date. It's the date four years ago that my life changed forever ! I wouldn't really know it until six months later, but March 31 would be a date that I would look back on often and wonder if I could have done things differently - if I could have somehow changed my destiny.

I started digging the depression hole early this morning when I saw the date pop up on the Today show. My mind instantly started thinking about where my life would be if I hadn't acted the way I did four years ago. I started thinking about how we would have built the house in the country by now. We would have had the money to buy our daughter a car. I would have been off of work on Fridays to stay home with my kids. We would have been planning our summer vacation. On and on and on. It just wouldn't stop. I was digging deeper and deeper and deeper.

I spent the morning digging. Not stopping. Shovel in hand and dirt flying everywhere. I wanted to wallow in my misery. I wanted to feel bad and I wanted people to ask me why I was having such a bad day. I wanted to just stay in bed, under the covers, feeling sorry for myself. That is until a member of a forum asked a question about Xanax and I sent her a private message basically telling her about my prescription drug addiction and how there are other ways to deal with depression and anxiety without popping pills. I referred her to http://www.paxilprogress.org/ and tried to reassure her that anxiety is a normal function and that pills might be a temporary buffer but they are surely not the cure. By giving her advice, I started to feel better.

I started to see that it didn't matter that we couldn't take a family vacation this year (we will take one some other time). It didn't matter that we didn't get to build our dream house in the country (I probably would have hated the country anyway). It didn't matter that we couldn't buy our daughter a new car (she needs to buy her own car in order to appreciate it anyway). What matters is that I made it through. I made it out alive. I made it out stronger !!! Derek made it out with me. We made it out together and we are hear to tell our story and to help others. I picked up my shovel and I tossed that dirt back in that damn hole ! No more digging for me today ! No sir ! Not today !

Jennybee Likes Me ... She Really Likes Me

However .... while moderating comments I accidentally deleted the one that Jennybee left ... so if you are out there Jennybee please come back and tell me that I am a funny again. Evidently I got so excited by it that I hit the wrong button !

Purple Shirts on Wednesdays

At the beginning of the month, I spent a few lovely days at the state capitol talking to several state Senators and Representatives about some ridiculous bills that have to do with my "situation". It was an eye-opening experience to say the least and something that every single person in the country needs to do at least once. This is NOT the stuff that they teach you in your high school government class. You remember government class ... you know ... the one taught by a coach who wears his shirts two sizes too small, spends the class hour ordering new football equipment online, and always eating Funyuns. I know ... we all learned a lot in that class, yet can't even begin to tell you how a bill becomes law. Well I know now. I saw it first hand and it isn't pretty. In fact, when they discuss bills on the "floor", it is a lot like watching a kindergarten class try to give speeches on the Declaration of Independence. Nobody is really paying any attention and the speaker even seems a little fuzzy on what they are trying to say. The congress people get up and mill around the room while other people "have the floor". There are side conversations going on everywhere. They get up and go to the restroom. They get up and go get some snacks from the spread that is provided for them. "Hey there Bob, your bill on stopping polution by making people wear face masks so their bad breath doesn't affect other people is just brilliant. Would you like some Chex Mix?"

Here is my opinion on how this whole "bill into law" thing works. Let's say that Senator Knowsitall decides that he likes the color purple and he does look rather dapper in purple, so he writes the "Purple Shirts on Wednesdays" bill. He then starts talking to all of the other Senators, especially the ones on the committee that will discuss such a bill, trying to get them to vote for his bill. He talks to Senator Iambetterthanyou about his fabulous purple shirts idea and that Senator is all for it. After all, Senator Iambetterthanyou has a cousin who owns a purple dye factory and he would really benefit from this purple shirt law. The cousin would consider making some generous donations to Senator Knowitall's campaign for reelection if this bill passes. In fact, the cousin would prefer that the bill be expanded to include the requirement that everybody also wear purple pants and purple hats on Wednesdays. Great ! The bill then goes to committee, Senator Doasisay is the head of the committee and he is running for Mayor of a town that has a large white shirt factory. If this bill passes into law then the town will have a run on their white shirts that can then be dyed using dye from Senator Knowsitall's cousin's factory. What a fabulous idea !!!

The bill passes out of committee and passes unanimously on the Senate floor thanks to the "hand shaking" and "back patting" of the three Senators who back the bill. The bill then goes over to the House side where it goes through committee and is unanimously passed on the House floor thanks to promises to vote for other bills in exchange for a vote on the renamed "Everybody Wears Purple on Wednesdays" bill. The bill then travels to the Governor's office. The Governor already knows that he is going to sign this bill into law because he had a visit from Senators Knowsitall, Iambetterthanyou, and Doasisay about how important this bill is for the state and how much revenue it will bring in. It will also create jobs, feed the hungry, and create world peace. They also informed the Governor that if he didn't sign the bill into law that there would be a huge backlash from the "Purple loving community" and that they would use a smear campaign against him when he ran for reelection based on his hatred of the color purple. It's the Governor's daughter's birthday and she loves the color purple so he signs the bill and dedicates it to her.

Does this bill make any sense whatsoever? Does it really help anybody other than the Senators who created it? Does it really matter? It's a "feel good law" not unlike the laws that I am fighting against and I am tired of sitting back and doing nothing. Even if it doesn't make any difference at all, I have to try to educate the "law makers". I have to try.

Great Gifts for All of Her Owl Friends

http://www.sportsmansparadiseonline.com/Live_Owl_Nest_Box_Cam.html

If you haven't been watching Molly the owl then you really should. She spent the day yesterday gnawing on a dead rabbit, but I noticed that she didn't eat the feet. Maybe she is saving them to make nifty keychains for all of her owl friends. It's never to early to start working on Christmas projects ... good thinking there Molly !

I Don't Think It's the Look That They Were Going For

Oh my goodness ! Does anybody else get a kick out of watching a 16 year old girl try to look all "grown up" by walking around in 4 inch heels? I have to laugh every single time I see it. First of all - I think that it just looks trashy and they aren't fooling anybody. You don't magically look 21 just because you are taller. Not to mention the fact that teenage girls are not known for their poise and balance. They look like clydesdales in stillettos. Rachel has asked me several times if she could have heels. So I took her to a shoe store and picked out two or three pairs for her to teeter around on. After twisting both ankles and realizing that she resembles a newborn giraffe, we went home and she didn't mention it again for a few months. When she is grown and moved out of my house then she can dress as trashy as she wants to, but until then I don't want to spend an evening in the emergency room with a twisted ankle.

It's Snowing in Oklahoma in March !!!

My friend in New Jersey (hello Laurie !) just told me that it is 73 degrees where she is today. Well not here ! It is freezing ass cold and it is snowing ! Snowing ! In Oklahoma ! In March ! After I called her a bitch, she informed me that I had weather in the 70s a few weeks ago while she had 22 inches of snow in her front yard. I then informed her that her snow did not affect me, therefore was not my problem and she should just get over it. She laughed. I guess that she thought that I was kidding.

Just wait - with these funky weather patterns the enemies of Al Gore will be all over Fox News talking about how this proves that there is no such thing as Global Warming. Well sorry to tell you this .... basic science actually shows that this crap is because of Global Warming and will only get worse over time. The melting ice caps actually cause the extra moisture in the air and it has to come down somewhere. So stayed tuned for the future post titled "It's Snowing in Oklahoma in August".

An Acid Trip Without the Acid

We are back from Las Vegas !!! We had a really good trip and this time I didn't hide in the hotel room watching advertisements for fun stuff to do in Vegas, I actually got out there and did the fun stuff ! We went to shows. We ate at really cool restaurants. We walked up and down The Strip until our legs felt like Kermit's - and we probably looked like we were walking Muppets too. It was a great trip and Derek had to literally pry my fingers off of a slot machine and make me leave on Wednesday evening. We are already talking about going back next year. It is so nice to actually remember a vacation and not be in the SSRI fog.

The first night that we were there, we went to see "Love" at The Mirage. Wow !!! That is pretty much the perfect word for it. Wow !!! We didn't get the fabulous seats down on the lower level, but I think that we actually had a better view from our cheaper seats in the balcony. When they say that they start the show promptly at 9:30 - they mean it. You better have gone to the restroom or bought your Beatles themed gigantic beverage before you found your seats. We didn't buy an drinks, because we wanted to see the show perfectly sober. I cannot even imagine how crazy the show would have been if I had been slightly buzzed.

A few minutes into the show I had a minor freak-out moment. Thoughts started running through my head like "I want to go home", "This trip was a mistake", "We should have spent our money paying down our debt". For a brief second I seriously thought about leaning over to Derek and telling him that I wanted to leave. Then I did what everybody with anxiety issues has to do to really move past the anxiety - I gave myself a mental slap. In my mind I said "Stop this ! You are in Las Vegas and you are going to have a great time on this trip. You have been looking forward to this and you deserve this time, so shut up and enjoy the damn show". It worked ! The anxiety feeling instantly went away and I concentrated on watching the beauty of the show - the lights, the music, the acrobatics, the costumes, the dancing. All of it was a beautiful show and I enjoyed the rest of it. The anxiety monster did not win !

Me and the Big Check

The Powerball Lottery is up to $200 million, but don't bother with buying a ticket. I just have a feeling that this is my week. Of course considering my luck with other things I probably shouldn't hold my breath that my numbers will magically appear. However, I think that I am due for some good luck this week after Riley's fingernail that he smashed in weight lifting finally fell off, Derek took all of the belts off of the van and then couldn't figure out how to get them back on, the twins continue to run around the house screaming like they are being waterboarded, Bryce has declared that working at Sonic might just be his dream job, and Rachel continues to flunk World History and blame it on everybody else except herself.

How awesome would it be to win the lottery while we are in Vegas? Pretty awesome I say. Don't worry though ... if you are a personal friend of mine then I will be sure to send you a picture of me and Derek holding up the big check. We might even autograph it for you ... I know .... I know .... that's just too much ... but hey that's the kind of generous people that we are.

Sometimes I Just Want to Scream !

I bought a new pair of $70 walking shoes for our trip to Vegas. I am so glad that I decided to wear them for a few days to "break them in" before we left. They have now worn all of the skin off of the back of both of my feet ! I called customer service to complain and I got the "we don't give refunds directly, you will have to take them back to the store". So I asked if they would take them back even though they have been worn outside and she said "yes, but you have to return them to the store". So I called the store and was told "well we will just have to look at them and see if we can give you a refund". The store is two hours away from me !!! I am so mad - that $70 could have been spent on gambling and drinking in VEGAS !!

What the Smurf?

For those of you old enough to remember the Smurfs - the word "smurf" can be used as a substitute for most curse words. Try it - it's fun !

"Shut the Smurf up !"

"That is unsmurfing believable !"

"Ah .... Smurf !"

You Have Got to Be Kidding !!!

Did anybody else get their letter from the Census yesterday? The one that is telling us that it is not the actual Census, it is just a letter telling us that they are going to be mailing us the Census sometime next week. As if the millions of dollars spent on radio, television, and Internet ads were not enough for us to know that the Census was this year. As if we just dropped in off of another planet and were unaware that the Census happens every ten years and and oh yeah ... its been ten years since the last one. My goodness ... the government is in the hole billions upon billions of dollars and we probably spent a few million more to mail out letters telling us that they are going to send us the Census. Does anybody else think that that is just absolutely insane ???

Moments that Melt a Mother's Heart

Our eldest boy child, Bryce, has come to the conclusion that his siblings are in fact annoying. He announced this last night after dinner, "they just follow me around trying to talk to me and I don't want to be talked to right now". Derek replied, "I have known for a long time that you kids are annoying, but nobody ever asked my opinion on the subject." So Bryce has basically been doing chores around the house in the hopes that his brother and sisters will leave him alone. Maybe he is thinking that since all of my children have a natural aversion to manual labor that they will be afraid of the vacuuming that he is doing and run away in fear. So far it is working out rather well for him. It's almost as if there is an electric fence around him when he is doing house work. The other children won't even make eye contact with him - afraid that they might get sucked into "The Cleaning Zone" (insert Twilight Zone music here).

Bryce came downstairs while Derek and I were watching TV and asked us to teach him how to iron. Who is this kid and what have you done with our son? Wait ... nevermind ... you can keep him. We like this kid much better. Since I wouldn't even know how to work an iron, Derek stepped in and gave ironing lessons to the boy. Oh my gosh ! It just melted my heart to watch the two of them. Derek is such a good man. He teaches the kids how to cook, how to load the dishwasher, how to mow the lawn, and now how to iron. Just one more reason why he is "a keeper".

Nothing Sexier Than A Woman Who Smells of Bacon

Derek loves bacon. Riley loves bacon. Bryce loves bacon. Everybody else in my house loves bacon. I do NOT love bacon. I hate bacon. I hate the look of it, the taste of it and especially the smell of it. Derek and the other firemen at the station have come up with a recipe that they proudly call "Redneck Casserole", which is basically a bunch of potatoes and any kind of meat you can possibly throw into a baking dish. Oh how I wish that I were kidding !

So last night he busts out the recipe and makes this lovely dish for the children. I did NOT eat it. I couldn't even look at it. He diced up potatoes and mixed those with bacon, bacon grease, browned hamburger meat, and some of that smoked sausage. OMG !!! With the amount of animal products and animal by products in this dish you could probably open a zoo. Needless to say, the house smelled like meat. I tried to escape it by taking a bath upstairs only to discover that the towels had a strange smell to them when I went to dry off. I carried the towel back downstairs and made Derek smell it (of course when you smell something bad, you have to make somebody else smell it too - that is just the rule). He took a big whiff and said, "that doesn't smell bad - it just smells like bacon". EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Not only could I not get away from it - now I smell like it. Fat firemen and dogs will be chasing me for days.

Of course it could be worse, Derek hates eggs and one time dried himself off with a towel that one of the kids had puked eggs all over. Maybe the bacon scented towels is my payback for laughing at him when he gagged over the egg towel.