The Reason I Don't Write Advice Columns

I got lured into buying new magazine subscriptions again. I didnt mean for it to happen. It just did. I bought several when my darling daughter was selling them for Girl Scouts and then bought a few more when they sent me "special offers". Some of them I just flip through because they don't hold much interest to me. I do not need to know how to make a casserole out of artichokes and octopus, nor do I need to know how to wax my own bikini line. Um ... I have been married eighteen years. He will just have to get over the Playboy fantasy.

Anyway - while reading one of my many magazines in the tub the other night, I came across an advice column. The reader wrote the columnist to ask for advice about how to get her husband to help out with chores around the house. Basically it sounded like they both worked full time, but when he got home from work he flopped his fat ass in front of the tv for hours on end while she cooked, cleaned, did laundry, and parented the children. Well the happy little advice columnist suggested to her that she should praise him and reward him when he did do things around the house. I literally yelled "WHAT THE HELL?" when I read that. Was this chick serious ? I read on. She was ! She was actually telling this woman that she needed to praise the jackass for doing things like putting the toilet seat down, taking out a freaking bag of trash or making a sandwich for the kids. I searched that magazine high and low for the section where bitchy women like me can write in and tell the editor or happy little advice columnist what they think about articles. It was nowhere to be found. DAMMIT ! However, if I had written in a letter this is what it would say:

Dear you complete idiot,

Either you have never been married, have had a partial lobotomy, or enjoy living with a man who is a complete slob who doesn't respect you and treats you like a servant. Did it ever occur to you that the reader who sent you the letter was tired and worn down and probably needed an entire box of wine when she got home at the end of the day? Why is she expected to continue doing all of the house work, cooking, and child rearing PLUS praise the little husband for doing shit that he should have been doing anyway. My advice to her would have been to stop doing it. Stop cooking. Stop cleaning. Stop washing his nasty socks and stained underwear. Just stop.

Maybe when he got crusty enough to wash his own damn clothes - he would. Maybe when he got hungry enough to get off of his fat ass and go find himself a meal - he would. Maybe when the house started to smell like the dumpster behind the Stripes and need cleaning - he would. Or if all else fails - she could find her own joint and let him live by himself in his own filth eating peanut butter straight from the jar, wearing clothes that hadn't been washed in weeks, with piles of trash all around him. Maybe then he would start praising her for all of the things that she has done for him, because he sure wouldn't be getting any praise from me for doing nothing ! Telling a woman to praise her husband for helping her with the housework puts us back into the dark ages and we have clawed, scratched, and chewed our way to get out of those mindsets. If that same advice had come from a man then it would have been considered sexist - coming from you (a woman), I consider it an insult. It is an insult to every woman out there who has fought for equality and respect. Shame on you !

Sincerely,

A Big Fan

Just because I felt like it - I had to whack Derek with the magazine when I came downstairs. After all he was a man and I am sure that he deserved it for something.