Almost Called Home by the Mother Ship

What a way to start off a Friday. Change out the external hard drive for the server and immediately it starts letting out some strange dinging sound. It has never done that before. Why is it doing that? Obviously something is very wrong and if I don't contact technical support to figure this out immediately then all of our precious data will be lost to the winds for all time. So I being the good little worker that I am, log on to the website of the manufacturer and proceed to tell them via tech support chat that the external drive is making some sort of strange dinging sound every five minutes. Their suggestions - unplug it ... did that - no change, run diagnostics program ... did that - no change, try a different USB cord ... did that - no change. Still dinging. So I called somebody into my office to make sure that it wasn't a noise that only I could here, because the mother ship could be calling me home at any second and if so then I have a lot of packing to do.

Well it took her one set of dinging to discover that the noise was not coming from the hard drive, that it was in fact coming from my purse. IT WAS THE LOW BATTERY TONE ON MY SON'S CELL PHONE !!! Holy shit ! I need a box of wine ! Maybe the mother ship does need to bring me in for some repairs ... I am obviously too stupid to remain on this planet. Oh wait a second .... if the Tea Baggers get to stay then I am probably safe.

Pack Your Tool Box and Use It

Agoraphobia (the fear of crowded places and leaving the house) is very common for people on these types of meds (antidepressants, anxiety meds, antipsychotics, etc.) and during tapering and withdrawal. It gets better in time, plus you have to work at it. I used to plan big, elaborate trips when I was on Paxil all of the time, but when the time came to leave I would always find some excuse not to go and would cancel the whole trip. It was just easier to stay home. Plus whenever I would go somewhere, I would have an anxiety attack and then my brain would start thinking "I knew that I should have stayed home. I knew that this would happen. I have to get out of here right now." It turns into a vicious cycle.

The only way to break the cycle is to force yourself to confront the fears and to pack a "tool box" of ways to deal with the anxiety once it hits. I used to have a horrible time when I would go to the movies, especially sci-fi or action movies and would end up leaving and missing half of the movie. Once Ranger (from www.paxilprogress.org)taught me to stop fearing the anxiety, it made all the difference in the world. I would make a plan before I would go somewhere. I would tell myself "okay - if this movie upsets you or makes you anxious then you just go walk around the lobby for a few minutes until the feeling passes". It worked ! Staying away from the situations that make you nervous just "feeds the monster" and validates the irrational fears (which is not what you need).

One of the most important tools in my tool box was the ability to stop and analyze what I was feeling at the moment and to be able to dissect the thoughts. For example: If I was in a crowded place and became anxious then my normal response would be to want to flee the situation as fast as I could. Once I stopped fearing the anxiety I was able to tell myself "this feeling is only temporary and you know that there really isn't anything here that will harm you - take a break and walk around outside if you need to, but DO NOT RUN away from the situation". It takes some practice to be able to do it, but it can be done.

Even if it is just going out and sitting on your front porch to read a book, it's so very important to take that first step out the door (and take your tool box with you).

Where Do You Get Pirana Chow?

The question was asked on one of the forums that I belong to about what 5 things would you do if you won the lottery - this is my answer:




1. Trip to Vegas for all of my close friends and the family members that I still talk to

2. Buy one square mile of land

3. Build house on previously purchased one square mile of land

4. Install moat around house

5. Fill moat with piranas trained to attack people that I do not like who might show up at my house trying to be all nice to me now that I have won the lottery

A Recovering Helicopter

A new book has come out talking about "helicopter parents" who are constantly monitoring and "hovering" around their children. I would like to think that Derek and I not this type of parent, but lately I have caught myself saying things that are helicopterish (yes - that's a word - I just made it up). For example, our eldest girl child (aka Princess Cinderella) is supposed to be giving Derek at least $100 a week to put in her savings account to buy herself a car. For the past two weeks she hasn't given him any money to put in the account. However, she has purchased some new clothes and has spent a ton of money on junk food. Well the other parental unit and I have decided to stop reminding her about the money. If she wants to bum rides to work for the rest of her life then that is her problem. She thinks that she is so big, bad, and grown up. Well grown ups don't get reminders about what to do with their money (unless of course they don't pay the bills and then Guido shows up with a baseball bat).

We also have three children on the honor roll. We NEVER have to ask them where their report cards are because they bring them to us - what a concept! The other two (yes the older two) either throw theirs away or hide them so that we won't see how bad their grades are. Well the oldest boy child has now turned 16 and if he doesn't have a certain grade point average then he will not be allowed to join the military. Is that going to be our fault? Um .... nope ! I think that we are still going to stick with the grounding them for bad grades, but we are going to stop "reminding" them about major assignments and make-up work. It's not that we don't care, it's just that they don't seem to care much either and we are tired of worrying about it. If college and/or the military are that important to them then they better get their stuff straight and start being more responsible. No more helicoptering over the grades either !

Of course when you have been in helicopter mode for years, it is hard to stop the hovering, but we are going to try our darndest. We might discover that we have a whole lot of extra time on our hands when we stop worrying so much about every little thing that the "semi-adults" are doing. More time to drink boxed wine !

Circus Clowns on Crack Checks

Back in the days when I was bat shit crazy I dressed like a combination of Dame Edna and Liberace. Combine this with the "stuck a calico cat in a blender" hairstyle and not only did I act crazy, I looked crazy too. The craziness carried over into every area of my life - from the multicolored kitchen cabinets (every door and drawer front a different color with stars painted on them) to the checks that I ordered. Derek was raised in a "we only buy the plain blue checks" kind of family. However, I was raised in the "I am going to buy the checks with the monkeys in tutus on them because I am doped out of my mind ... hey is that a turtle" kind of family. Crazy begets crazy !

I ordered new checks today and I picked some rather plain ones with stripes on them. However, I am going to tell Derek (complete with a print out to show him) that I ordered these .... he he he ! I am evil ! muahahahahahaha! I like to call them the Circus Clowns on Crack checks ... I wonder if they come with their own hit of acid.

He Baffled the Lab Dudes

Derek and I both had to have mini-physicals (go ahead and sing the Olivia Newton John tune in your head while you read this - I give you permission) for our life insurance applications. I have been waiting for a few years to be able to purchase life insurance (turns out that people on probation die younger or some bullshit like that) so actually getting to the physical exam part was thrilling for me. We were supposed to have ours done at our house about an hour before Derek was supposed to start drinking "the prep" for his colonoscopy last week. It was just not a good day for him. Well the nurse had a personal emergency and couldn't make it, so we went flying (not literally) up to the lab so we could have our blood drawn, our blood pressure taken, and give a urine sample (as if it was some sort of gift or something) and then had to get back home so he could drink the "bowel cleanser".

Well we got a phone call yesterday ... evidently there is nothing wrong with my samples. Derek on the other hand has to go back and give two more urine samples. Evidently his pee is the gift that keeps on giving. The lab people and the insurance people will not tell us what is wrong with his urine sample, but I can only imagine that the conversation in the lab went something like this:

"Hey man - you gotta come see this. I have never seen a urine sample like it"

"What are you talking about ... what can be so special about this one?"

"Well other lab dude - I don't think that this is urine .... I think that this guy actually peed out Mountain Dew"

"What ? How is that even possible?"

"I think that's really Mountain Dew and OH MY GOSH .... is that a bacon bit floating in there?"

Starfish Flinger

Copied from "One Month to Live" by Kerry and Chris Shook


A businessman visiting a resort community left his hotel early one morning to take a walk. When he reached the shoreline, he came upon a stunning sight: countless starfish had washed up on the beach during the night in a high tide. They were still moving, still alive, clambering all over one another, trying to get back into the ocean. He knew it wouldn't be long until the tropical sun would bake the poor creatures trapped there on the sand. He wished he could do something, but there were thousands of them, as far as his eye could see, and there was no way he could make a dent in saving them.

So he went on his way. Walking farther down the beach, he came upon a little boy who leaned over, scooped up a starfish and flung it like a Frisbee into the ocean. He repeated the process over and over again, picking up speed, obviously trying to save as many as possible.

Once the man realized what the little boy was doing, he felt it was his responsibility to help the boy by informing him of a harsh life lesson. He walked up to the child and said, "Son, let me tell you. What you're doing here is noble, but you can't save all these starfish. There are thousands of them. The sun's getting really hot, and they're all going to die. You might as well just go on your way and play. You really can't make a difference here."

The little boy didn't say anything at first; he just stared at the businessman. Then he stooped down and picked up another starfish, flung it out into the ocean as far as he could, and said, "Well, I just made all the difference for that one."

I read that story last night and it couldn't have come at a better time. It's funny how the world works sometimes. I had been so down on myself lately about my whole situation - just sure that things were not going to ever get any better - just sure that I wasn't make a difference - just sure that I was "stuck" where I was. If Derek and I hadn't decided to go on a mini-date to Sonic, and the system at Sonic hadn't gone haywire causing us to sit there and wait for 30 minutes, then I never would have picked up the book that has been in the floorboard of the van for months. I wouldn't have read that story at just the right time. The right time for me to see that I don't have to save the world today ... I just have to keep flinging starfish. My story might make "all the difference for that one".