Weekly Challenge - Stop Self Sabotage

The picture to my left is the little voice inside my head that says that even though I am trying to lose weight, it is okay to eat ruffled potato chips with ranch dip and shredded cheese for dinner. I knew it was wrong. I knew that it was evil. I knew that it wasn't good for me and those 100 calories that I burned on the Wii Fit didn't matter when I ate 12 bazillion calories worth of chips dipped in ranch dressing and then dipped in shredded cheddar cheese. I knew that I shouldn't have done it, but I did it anyway. Why?

Why do we sabotage ourselves? We know that we shouldn't do certain things, yet we do it anyway. What part of the human brain makes a person be rational one second and kick rational in the face and laugh in an evil manner while they stuff chips down their throat and watch endless episodes of Man versus Food the next? Why? Why? Why?

Attack of the Crappy Movies

Ok - maybe I am just a movie snob, but I am so sick of the stupid humor in movies and the fact that none of them have any sort of plot whatsoever. We spent weeks and weeks waiting on Hot Tub Time Machine to come up as available on Netflix. I watched about fifteen minutes of it and couldn't get past the overuse of the F word every other word. Is that really what film makers think is necessary to make a movie funny? I understand that sometimes it is quite humorous ... like the line in The Ringer "When the f*ck did we get ice cream?" Now that was funny. F-ing this and F-ing that throughout the entire movie is not funny. I gave up on Hot Tub Time Machine and went upstairs to watch an episode of Lie to Me (an intelligent show that has yet to even imply the use of the F word).

We also waited for weeks and weeks for the movie Cop Out to come up as available. If you have any brains in your head whatsover, don't even bother renting this movie. It almost took me an entire box of wine to get through it. At one point I was so bored with it that I actually started balancing the checkbook. How bad does a movie have to be when balancing the checkbook is preferable to watching it? Pretty F*cking bad !!!

Where are all the good movies? What has happened to Hollywood? Have you seen the movie Idiocracy - there is a scene in it where the latest popular movie is literally people sitting in the theater watching some guys butt up on the big screen. Is that where we are headed? If so then I am going to have to buy more boxed wine and open more checking accounts just to survive it.

My Cardboard Box in Heaven

Years ago, back when I still went to church, I heard a preacher talk about how a Christian is guaranteed to go to heaven. However, they are not guaranteed to get a golden mansion. He quoted scripture and talked about how our deeds on Earth determine what our mansion looks like in the afterlife. Hmmmmmmmmmm ... well ... um .... I am not counting on a golden mansion in my afterlife. Maybe a cardboard box. I am thinking that my past deeds will get me the box, but my current and future deeds might get me some hot pink glitter to put on it ... or maybe some little twinklee Christmas lights .... or God might grant me a Bedazzler. Oh yeah baby ! I am going to have the best looking cardboard box on the block .... might even add on a cardboard box garage with a cardboard game room and a cardboard sauna ... oh wait ... the hot steam might make the box sag ... scratch that .... how about a cardboard wine cellar made of boxes of wine !!!

I just hope that my box isn't behind the mansions of the people from my former church who treated me like crap when all of my scandal broke out .... or maybe they are hoping that their cardboard box isn't right next to mine. Muahahahahaha

The Bullies Just Get Bigger

Last Thursday was the first day of school and we didn't have enough money to buy Emily and Beth their shoes for PE yet, so I told them to just tell the coach that we were going to get them that weekend. They told him. So he called them out in the middle of the class and asked them why they didn't have shoes. Stood them in front of the group and YELLED AT THEM about how ridiculous it was that they didn't have their shoes for PE yet. Emily had to tell him that we didn't have the money to buy them yet. Just typing that makes me tear up. We have been through some major shit (pardon the Spanish there) in the past four years and we are literally living paycheck to paycheck. The manic spending while I was Paxilated plus the $40,000 that we paid lawyers (oh yes - that does in fact say $40,000) has put a major crimp in our financial situation. Maybe crimp isnt the right word ... crimp implies something small ... how about bend, fold, smashed all to hell and back. Yeah .. that works.

I am already hard on teachers, because I can't be one any more and this little example of how a grown man chooses to make himself feel better by belittling some thirteen year olds (my daughters were not the only ones involved) just proves several of my points about what is wrong with education. WHY DOES THIS JACKASS GET TO TEACH AND I DON'T ????

So Derek, my knight in shining firefighter uniform, went down to the school to talk to the principal, Ms. Grant. Of course her first question was "Did you talk to Coach Slate about this?". To which Derek replied, "Oh it's probably best that I NOT talk to Coach Slate about this." (Damn - I love that man of mine!) The really sad thing about all of this is that Emily begged Derek not to go talk to Ms. Grant about it, because she really feared that it would just make the coach act worse to her ... and I agree. Since there were several kids involved Derek asked Ms. Grant not to tell Coach Slate which parent came to see her, because we didn't want our daughter targeted any more than she already was. Emily is ready to quit basketball over it and I have to say that little Miss Emily is one hell of a basketball player. How dare that jackass treat my child this way and why in the world is behavior like his tolerated?

We have all sorts of programs in schools that try to educate children on the seriousness of bullying. Maybe we should have some for the teachers !

Happy Rebirthday to Me

August 25, 2007 was the first day in nine years that I didn't take that morning little pink poison pill ... not even a sliver of one ... not even a crumble (and it got down to slivers and crumbles there at the end). I had been chopping pills for about eight months at that point and it was time for it to be over. At first it was really strange to not take that pill every morning, but that strangeness was quickly replaced with the ability to laugh again - the ability to feel empathy for other people - the ability to have a rational conversation with somebody without yelling at them, belittling them, or trying to make them cry. It was replaced with me wanting to actually get out of the house and do things instead of sitting in front of the tv eating anything that I could get my hands on. It was replaced by my snarky sense of humor that had long been lost in the Paxilated haze. It was replaced by a love and respect and gratitude for the man who stood by me when every other man on the planet would have given up and only tried to save himself.

Things aren't all rainbows and unicorns right now. We are living paycheck to paycheck (thank you lawyer's fees and manic spending debt - both of those situations Paxil induced), one of the kids is sick, another one of the kids might not get to go to college, the rent house has fleas (oh yeah - FLEAS!), there are still umpteen projects around the house that need to be done, and we still haven't won the lottery. But don't feel pity for me ... don't you dare. I spent nine years in Paxil hell ... living in a tunnel without emotions ... acting like a completely crazy person who didn't care that I was slowly ruining my life. Even with the things that are going wrong in my life right now ... there are soooooooooooo many things that are going right. It is nice out in the sunshine and I will never go back to the tunnel. NEVER.

http://www.paxilprogress.org

Don't Look at My Boobs !

My hotmail email account had a link to an article about a 14 year old girl posing for racy bikini pictures and her parents defending her posing for those pictures.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/07/22/kendall-jenner-in-new-str_n_656433.html

Wow ! My twins are 13 and I cannot even imagine letting them pose for that first picture. How many grown men are going to see that? and what will they be thinking when they do? EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW !!! We as a society have got to stop sexualizing our children !!

Why are we allowing our ten year olds to dress like hookers? and don't even get me started on the crap on Toddlers and Tiaras .... telling a 5 year old to "shake your booty" at the judges is soooooooo disturbing.

and then the girls who dress like that get all pissed off when older men stare at them .... Rachel came home the other day completely grossed out that an "old man" was looking at her boobs and her butt ... my husband said "well maybe it was the giant blinking arrow that you were wearing in the form of a too tight tank top and shorts so short that your ass cheeks hang out" ... she just rolled her eyes

A friend of Rachel's wore this sexy nurse costume to a Halloween party last year ... when she was 16 ... oh how I wish that I were kidding.

Weekly Challenge - Know the Difference

Part of the Serenity Prayer says:



God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I have a hard time with just letting things go. It's something that I need to work on. I need to be able to accept the things that I cannot change. I need to work on the things that I can and I really need to learn to let my children fall on their faces every once in a while. If we keep saving our children every time that they get themselves into a mess, then they will never learn how to rescue themselves.

Rachel informed us on Friday night that she might not have a grade point average high enough to qualify for free tuition through a program that they have in our state. We cannot afford to pay for our kids to go to college (and even if we could - we wouldn't). If college is important enough to them then they will figure out a way to pay for it. My first response to her news about the grade point average was to go into Mommy Mode and try to come up with ways to find her classes that she can make great grades in so that her gpa will improve. Then it hit me - why is this my problem? Haven't we been telling her for years that she has to have a good gpa to get the free tuition? Haven't we been talking to teachers, the principal, and the counselor trying our hardest to get them all to realize that we are trying our hardest to be good parents and help her? Doesn't she tell us on nearly a daily basis that she is nearly 18 (as if that magically gets you somewhere)?

So Derek and I have come to the conclusion that we are not going to go above and beyond to try to fix this for her. We told her last night that it is her responsibility to talk to the principal and the counselor about possibly changing her schedule so that she will have a high enough gpa to qualify. We also told her that the times of us babysitting her to make sure that she gets her assignments turned in or that she studies for her tests are over. If she wants to throw the "I am nearly an adult" malarky in our faces all the time then she needs to start acting like one.

It will be tough on the momma and I think even tougher on the daddy, but we have to let this one go. We have to know the difference and this is something that she is going to have to change on her own.

I Made the Call

It only took me a week to build my courage back up, but I did it. I would have loved to have seen the look on his face when I told him who I was .... he hasn't really talked to me in nearly four years. Of course as soon as he said "well hey there girl" I lost it. Back when we used to be friends, he called me "girl" all the time. Back before I went completely bat shit crazy and hurt so many people that I probably couldn't even name them all. What followed was a blubbering snotty mess of trying to explain why I called. I had to stop talking several times so I could calm down enough to say what I needed to say. It almost didn't seem real. Like I was living in a dream and I didn't really dial the phone and I wasn't really standing there saying those things.

This is a very complicated situation and it involves a lot of people, but I did get to say the one thing that really needed to be said - "When you knew me I had a really severe prescription drug and alcohol addiction problem and I just wanted you to know that this whole situation probably saved me in some way." I don't know why it bothers me so much that so many people, who don't know me anymore or didn't know me before the Paxilated years, think that the insane way that I acted was the real me. Why do I care? Maybe I shouldn't care what other people think, but I can't help but desire the opportunity to explain that that wasn't really me.

He told me that a close member of their family is having health problems and now might not be the best time to revisit all of this. He told me to call him back in a month. So now I wait .... but at least I made the call !

Sometimes It's the Simple Things

I just spent the past 30 minutes trying to get that damn flying saucers picture to stretch the right way so I could use it in my heading ... sure there are tax returns that need to be done ... sure there are completed construction job reports that need to be sent to the CPA ... sure there are leases that need to be completed ... but all of that can wait .... I GOT MY FLYING SAUCER PICTURE TO WORK !!! Please don't tell me if it doesn't show up right on your screen ... just pretend that it does.

McGee Brothers Construction

McGee Brothers Construction is the partnership of Bryce McGee and Riley McGee, formerly of McGee Brothers Painting. If you are not familiar with their work, please read about it here:

http://a-slapintheface.blogspot.com/2009/08/mcgee-brothers-painting.html

The construction partnership was not founded by them. It was founded by Derek when we discovered that there is a hole in the roof of the smaller rent house, therefore when it rains, the water pours right down through the hole in the middle of the room and has caused the wood floor in that room to buckle. The lady who lived there only used that bedroom for storage so who knows how long it has been leaking. Derek announced yesterday that the boys were going to help him fix the roof ..... cue the eye rolling and huffing.

Two teenage boys standing on a roof with hammers is not a good thing. Two teenage boys who watch idiotic shows on MTV where they jump off of things is even worse.

Bryce: "Hey dad .... do you think I would break some bones if I jumped off of the roof?"

Derek: "Don't jump off of the roof. I have to get this finished and if you jump then you are just going to have to lay there and bleed until I get done"

Bryce: "Hey dad .... do you think that Riley would break some bones if I pushed him off of the roof?"

Riley: "I will grab you on the way down dude ...."

McGee Brothers Construction - We do a bad job, but we do it really slowly ... and sometimes we get distrac ..... oh look ..... there's a kitty !

Weekly Challenge - Face Your Fear

I wrote a letter a few months ago to a person that I had hurt. The letter has been revised several thousand times over the past four years and I finally arrived at the version that I was content with in May. Since then I have been waiting for the universe to throw the ball back to me and put this person in my path. It hasn't happened yet. So I am thinking that it is time to kick the universe in the knee caps and just take the damn ball back.

I tried last Thursday to contact this person so that I could finally ask if I could read the letter to them in person. I sat down in the empty conference room .... picked up the phone ... dialed the number ... asked for him ...

HE WAS ON VACATION !

How in the world is it possible to be both anxious and relieved at the same time?

So my challenge for the week is to pick up that phone again .... no matter what happens ... even if he doesn't want to talk to me ... it's time !

What are you afraid of? Kick the universe with me and take the ball back .... it's time !

If You Build It, They Will Stay

As you may know, we play the lottery every week, twice a week. Derek calls them my "crack tickets". I am addicted to the idea of winning the lottery. He is addicted to fried stuff with cheese. It works for us.

The kids know that we buy lottery tickets, so they dream right along with us about what we would spend our big lottery winnings on. I have my plan of building a house in the middle of a square mile of land, surrounded by a moat with piranhas in it. Bryce has a dream of building a huge basketball court. The conversation went something like this:

Bryce: If we win the lottery then we can build an awesome basketball court.

Me: Well first of all son, you won't be buying the lottery tickets, therefore there is no WE in that statement.

Bryce (rolling his eyes): Whatever ... If YOU win the lottery then you can build ME an awesome basketball court.

Me: Sure eldest son of mine, if your dear father and I are blessed with the winnings of several millions of dollars then we will bestow enough upon you so that you can build your dream basketbal court.

Bryce: Cool .... If you did that, then I would never want to move out.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKK!!!! Put on the brakes !

Me: In that case ... NO !!! No matter how much we win, we will NEVER be building you your dream basketball court, in fact we might just live in a one room shack so that you little childrens will not come back home.

Note to Self: Install secret underground tunnel under the floorboards of the one room shack that leads to an undisclosed location where we can build our dream house surrounded by a moat and piranhas !

When They Grow Up - Part Two

Derek did not plan his vacation time very well. He didn't bother to look at the school calendar, therefore he took off six or seven shifts (which means that he is off work for about three weeks) right when the kids are all at home. Needless to say, six people trapped in an 1,800 square foot house all week long (five of those people being moody teenagers) does not a happy vacation make. Well it all came to a boil yesterday when Derek couldn't find the charger for the cell phone. He and I have the same type of phone and use the same type of charger. The kids use a completely different type of charger, yet Bryce took our charger to his friend's house and accidentally left it there. Did he bother to tell us that he had it? Of course not ! Did he bother to tell us that he forgot it at his friend's house? Of course not !

Derek blew up .... I am just glad that nobody was seriously injured or maimed in the blow up and that I was not there to see it. I can understand his frustration with things not being where they are supposed to be, I went to find my hairspray, comb, and frizz cream the other day. The hairspray was under a bed in the girl's room, the frizz cream was on their dresser, and evidently the comb ran away with the spoon (the spoon was tired of the dish ... probably because he left their cell phone charger at a friend's house ... I don't blame the spoon ... enough is enough !)

So we have added another item to our list of things that little evil elves are going to do to our children when they move out on their own .... be warned my little childrens ... you better be buying those car chargers by the case because we are going to be giving them out like candy at a parade !!!

Weekly Challenge - Junk Food Journal

For the past week or so, I have been having horrible "there is an elephant sitting on my chest" anxiety and have been having trouble sleeping. I thought that maybe there was a three year wave from coming off of my antidepressants, but I am more inclined to believe that it has something to do with all of the junk food that I have been eating (especially the salty stuff). My challenge for the week is to blog down everything that I eat - so you, my loyal readers, are going to help me cure my junk food habit. Here is what I had to eat this weekend:

Saturday:
Breakfast - a can of Dr. Pepper
Lunch - Steakhouse Sub Combo at Arby's (Roast beef sub sandwich with onion rings on it, curly fries with ranch dressing, and a medium raspberry tea)
Dinner - Ranch burgers that Derek made, chips and ranch dip (I see a ranch them here)

Sunday:
Breakfast - a can of Dr. Pepper
Lunch - leftover Ranch burger, more chips and more ranch dip
Dinner - Redneck casserole (ground beef, mushroom beef soup, and potatoes)

Geez Louise ! No wonder I feel like crap ! There is not a vegetable or a fruit anywhere in that list. Writing it all down is a huge "slap in the face" (where have I heard that before?)

I brought an apple with me today and am going to have salad for lunch and beans with tomatoes for dinner. I have got to do better !

A Wonderful Article !

Great article !!!

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2008886,00.html

This is the letter that I wrote to the editor:

Thank you so much for this article. People need to realize that it is irrational to expect that a soldier can witness the act of war and come home unphased by it. I applaud you for writing about the fact that the mental health care of our soldiers is inadequate. I also loved that you didn't take the stance of "meds can cure everything". I am a survivor of the horrific side effects that antidepressants can cause and know personally that "popping pills" doesn't solve problems. I hope that your article is read by people who have the capacity to fund mental health clinics for the military and that more qualified staff can be hired to care for our soldiers with talk therapy and Cognitive Behavorial Therapy. In times of heartache and trauma, we all just need somebody to talk to.

I have to wonder why this wasn't the cover story. Is the fact that a bird can drop stones into a pitcher of water more important than the mental health of our soldiers? As a country, I really think that we are spending money on the wrong kinds of research.

Where Is My Reality Show?

Ok ... I don't have a day-glo orange tan and don't stay drunk all day long (just part of the day), but my life is interesting ! Where is my show that takes my whole family on vacation while I bitch at my kids and treat my husband like a dog? Where is my show where I get to run around Las Vegas, gambling and partying my ass off? Where is my show where I talk about my past prescription drug addiction, the felony charges that resulted from it, the visits to the state Capitol where I try to change the minds of closed minded people, the writing of a book, the writing of a blog, the writing of all of the checks to pay on the mountainous debt? Oh wait ... maybe I am not cut out for reality tv because I don't stay drunk all day long and am not doped out of my mind anymore, I try my hardest to be nice to my kids, and I love and respect my husband. Happy people don't make good tv .... so nevermind ... I will just keep up the fight in other ways ... however, if there are tv show producers out there ... a few trips to Vegas every once in a while might not hurt us.

P.S. I need one more follower in order to hit the 35 followers mark .... tell your friends about my snarky goodness and there might be a box of wine in it for you ... of course aliens MIGHT fall out of the sky and give us all cotton candy too. It could happen !

I AM INSURED (well sort of)

Remember my struggles with finding insurance due to my lovely felony charge and my current state of probationism (it's like prohibition ... but with less booze). Well anyway ... after calling a bazillion and a half life insurance companies, I finally found one who is willing to give me a policy. For now it is only an accidental death policy, but that is better than none. So being eaten by an octopus is covered, but developing liver disease from my boxed wine habit is not.

NOTE TO SELF ... if I feel the liver disease coming on ... then head to Sea World !

Digging The Depression Ditch

I have told so many people that when they start to dig the depression hole to distract themselves and put the shovel down. I have done that myself many times. Sitting around dwelling on your problems doesn't solve them and you have to be constantly working on being your own solution. I am trying .... really trying ... but for some reason this week has hit me hard ... oh let's see ... could it be ...

- the fact that we now have two rent houses to get cleaned and repaired in the next week or so

- the screaming fight that I had with Emily yesterday because she yelled at Derek .... then she rolled her eyes ... to which I said "Don't roll your eyes at me" ... then she rolled her eyes AND huffed at me ! I left the room before I went into major ape shit mode.

- the fact that school is starting and I don't get to be a teacher any more - this is Rachel's senior year and I was supposed to be there for that - and now I am crying about it - great ! just great ! (damn you felony charge - a very long story that I promise to reveal in it's entirety some day - but obviously this is not a good week to do that unless I want to risk snot and tears shorting out my computer)

- the fact that we are in shit loads of debt (we paid $40,000 to lawyers) and are probably going to have to replace the carpet in one of the rent houses (which means using the Lowe's card that we swore we would NEVER charge anything else on ever again)

- the fact that school starts in two weeks and we are going to have to buy clothes and school supplies for the kids, but really have no clue where that money is going to come from

- the fact that my boss's health is not great and if something happens to him then it will be next to impossible for this place to run without him (small, family owned company) and if that happens then it will be next to impossible for me to find another job - not many places are looking to hire somebody with a Bachelors of Accounting, a Masters of Education and an extensive knowledge of how horrible prescription drug addiction can be (if you hear of something ... please let me know)

So yeah .... today I am digging the depression ditch and don't want to feel better ... I am going to dig the ditch and then lay a foundation for my fort that I am going to make out of empty wine boxes ! Now where did I put that damn hard hat?

The Pencil Test

I confess that we watch Holly's World ... I know ... I know ... it actually makes me want to rip my own eyebrows off with duct tape, but I am addicted. The episode last week was the one where Holly is buying Angel (her assistant) a new pair of boobs and they go to the consultation together. Angel complains that her boobs have deflated after breastfeeding and they need to be perkier. The doctor explains to her how the pencil test works. Evidently if you stick a pencil under your boob and it stays there, then they need "work". Derek and I couldn't stop laughing after I said, "ah hell ... I could hold a trapper keeper under mine ... and a stapler ... and a tape dispenser ... and a 64 count box of crayons .... "

He got up to go downstairs to get a drink .... but he yelled from the hallway "and a file cabinet!"

What a guy !!!

Weekly Challenge - Be A Good Neighbor

After you saw my picture for this post, you started singing the little neighbor song in your head - didn't you? You know that you did !

Derek hates people. Okay - maybe that's a little strong. Derek dislikes a few people ... well maybe some people ... ok ... maybe most people. He would prefer to be in a cave (a cave with cable TV, Peggle on the computer and an endless supply of bacon and gravy) all alone with nobody bothering him. Don't get me wrong ... he is a nice guy and he will be nice to most people, but he prefers to not chit chat with near strangers - especially the neighbors. He is more of a "hurry up and get in the house before they try to talk to us" kind of guy.

My goal for the week is to be more neighborly, but I think that I am going to have to do this one alone. I don't expect him to go next door with me and deliver the berry crumble that I made for the elderly people that live next to us. In fact, I kind of expect him to say "what the hell are you taking that to them for? I would eat that". To which I will reply "It isn't a bacon crumble and with that attitude you are not going to be getting any glitter on your cardboard box in heaven - you gripey old bastard ! "