I Made the Call

It only took me a week to build my courage back up, but I did it. I would have loved to have seen the look on his face when I told him who I was .... he hasn't really talked to me in nearly four years. Of course as soon as he said "well hey there girl" I lost it. Back when we used to be friends, he called me "girl" all the time. Back before I went completely bat shit crazy and hurt so many people that I probably couldn't even name them all. What followed was a blubbering snotty mess of trying to explain why I called. I had to stop talking several times so I could calm down enough to say what I needed to say. It almost didn't seem real. Like I was living in a dream and I didn't really dial the phone and I wasn't really standing there saying those things.

This is a very complicated situation and it involves a lot of people, but I did get to say the one thing that really needed to be said - "When you knew me I had a really severe prescription drug and alcohol addiction problem and I just wanted you to know that this whole situation probably saved me in some way." I don't know why it bothers me so much that so many people, who don't know me anymore or didn't know me before the Paxilated years, think that the insane way that I acted was the real me. Why do I care? Maybe I shouldn't care what other people think, but I can't help but desire the opportunity to explain that that wasn't really me.

He told me that a close member of their family is having health problems and now might not be the best time to revisit all of this. He told me to call him back in a month. So now I wait .... but at least I made the call !