August 25, 2007 was the first day in nine years that I didn't take that morning little pink poison pill ... not even a sliver of one ... not even a crumble (and it got down to slivers and crumbles there at the end). I had been chopping pills for about eight months at that point and it was time for it to be over. At first it was really strange to not take that pill every morning, but that strangeness was quickly replaced with the ability to laugh again - the ability to feel empathy for other people - the ability to have a rational conversation with somebody without yelling at them, belittling them, or trying to make them cry. It was replaced with me wanting to actually get out of the house and do things instead of sitting in front of the tv eating anything that I could get my hands on. It was replaced by my snarky sense of humor that had long been lost in the Paxilated haze. It was replaced by a love and respect and gratitude for the man who stood by me when every other man on the planet would have given up and only tried to save himself.
Things aren't all rainbows and unicorns right now. We are living paycheck to paycheck (thank you lawyer's fees and manic spending debt - both of those situations Paxil induced), one of the kids is sick, another one of the kids might not get to go to college, the rent house has fleas (oh yeah - FLEAS!), there are still umpteen projects around the house that need to be done, and we still haven't won the lottery. But don't feel pity for me ... don't you dare. I spent nine years in Paxil hell ... living in a tunnel without emotions ... acting like a completely crazy person who didn't care that I was slowly ruining my life. Even with the things that are going wrong in my life right now ... there are soooooooooooo many things that are going right. It is nice out in the sunshine and I will never go back to the tunnel. NEVER.
http://www.paxilprogress.org
Your post made me cry. It's been about 9-10 months since I took my last sliver of Lexapro. And now I cry at movies again, but in the good way. Even though I weaned myself off over six months, I was still so sick from withdrawal and I couldn't believe I had been putting something like that in my body for years. Congratulations to you. You so deserve it.
ReplyDeleteRyan - I know exactly what you mean. The first time that I laughed again ... really really laughed ... it scared me. My husband even said "it's been forever since you have laughed like that". It had been so long since I had found humor in something and actually wanted to laugh about it. Being an unfeeling zombie is not a good thing.
ReplyDeleteSo happy for you.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you!!!! Much love, your little minx....
ReplyDelete:)
alright Miss Firecat - what is up with the posting anonymously? Are you in the Witness Protection Program again? Oh crap - was I not supposed to mention that ... oops.
ReplyDeleteAs usual, I'm late to the party. I just wanted to stop by and say I'm very happy for you!
ReplyDeleteYou are such a champ!
ReplyDeleteI almost missed this post. Congratulations, lady! You've won a hard-fought battle, and you should be proud. I'm proud of you too. The rest of your life will fall into place, too. :)
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