Wednesday, December 16, 2009

My Married Half Life

For years I have joked about it and it has finally come to pass. My anniversary is in the next for days and at that point I will officially have been married for half of my life. That is right. Do the math. 36 years old. Got married at 18 (no shotgun in sight). 18 year anniversary. Oh yeah - that calculates up to half of my life. Wow !!!

As much as I would like to say that the past 18 years were the happiest of Derek's life - I cannot. I spent 9 years being doped out of my mind on a mixture of prescription meds and alcohol that made me worse than bat shit crazy. I treated him like hell and was even worse to our children. I had a huge ego and his opinion didn't matter to me at all. I had no filter between my brain and my mouth and if I wanted to say something hurtful then I just blurted it out. I actually got some sick thrill out of hurting people's feelings (especially his). I openly flirted with men right in front of him and didn't care that I was making myself and him look like complete fools. I would tear up shit around the house while he was at work and expect him to fix it when he got home. I had manic episodes where I came up with off the wall schemes that wasted money and time. I was a royal bitch - no other way to say it. The really sad thing about the meds that I was on (especially the SSRI and the Ambien) was that I really thought that I was normal and I couldn't see how they were making me act.

I have huge amounts of guilt and regret over the way that I treated people, but mostly about the way that I treated Derek and the kids. So to you - my love - my rock - my everything. I promise that the next 18 years will be happier, with more respect, more love, more caring, and more laughs. I will never be able to thank you for not giving up on me and for believing in me when I hit my rock bottom. I could not have made it through the hell of withdrawal and the other issues without you. I don't think that you will ever truly know how much it means to me that you stayed. I am so sorry and I love you !


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  2. My dearest friend. I am so proud of how far you have come through this. You are a stronger, better person having been through this hell (as am I for knowing you).

    Derek is a wonderful husband for sticking by you through all of this. I know first hand how difficult it can be to stand by and watch the one you love destroy their life.

    I have faith (and I don't use that term often) that the next 18 years of your life will be happier and more loving.

    You are like a phoenix!

  3. I was married young too (19 and no shotgun either). It's an odd thing when you reach that half life earlier than most people.

    I hope you've both come through the hard times stronger than before and stronger TOGETHER than before.

  4. Thanks Amity and Mel. I haven't let Derek read it yet because I know that I will be a blubbering mess when he does. I guess that will teach me to write sappy blog entries when I have PMS.

  5. A lot of people have had trouble with antidepressant drug effects on their marriages.
    You may have something to add to this thread some made it some didn't most didn't.