Friday, April 30, 2010

PMS and Pantyhose Do NOT Mix

What kind of cruel joke is it that women get bloated up every month like a freaking bullfrog and yet they are the ones who have to wear the pantyhose to work? It's a cruel joke right up there with God putting my very liberal self smack dab in the middle of "We think that you are wrong and we want to tell you all of the ways you are wrong ... but we will pray for you" country !

By the way, I do not suffer from PMS .... I embrace it. I don't believe in that whole take a pill because you are bitchy once a month thing. I see it as nature's way of telling my husband that I don't want him touching me for the next week so he better take the hint and leave me the hell alone ! I don't need a pill for that. A box of wine maybe ... but not a pill !

Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Friendship Myth

One of the lessons that I am trying my hardest to teach my kids (along with wearing deoderant every day and how to find their way out of a cardboard box) is that the friends that they have in high school will NOT be the friends that they have later in life. You have the friends that you have in high school basically because their parents chose to live in the same town that your parents chose to live in and ta-da .... they are your friends. I grew up (and still live) in a very small town of less than 3,000 people in the sticks of Oklahoma. There wasn't much variety at the friend store .... this was more like shopping at a Dollar General for friends rather than the Sam's Club. You didn't get to compare features, prices, extras, etc. You just got who you got. I got the generic toothbrush of a friend when I really wanted the Supersonic Water Pik of a friend.

I had the same best friend since kindergarten. We assumed that we would be best friends for life. Boy howdy - was I wrong on that one. When all of my legal mess hit the gossip mill (and the news and the newspaper and the local coffee shop), I got one phone call from her telling me how sorry she was and blah blah blah. ONE PHONE CALL ! It has now been over three and a half years since my drama started and I haven't heard from her again. Oh wait ... I take that back. The day before I was supposed to go to trial ... I got a text message from her that said "I am praying for you ... good luck tomorrow". Really? A text message? Sending it by carrier pigeon would have been more personal than that. I so wanted to rent a billboard and list every horrible thing that I know about her ... but alas ... I refrained (for that my cardboard box in heaven will have extra glitter on it).

I think that I get so mad at myself over all of it, because I feel duped. Duped by the meds that turned me crazy. Duped by my doctor who told me that they were perfectly safe. Duped for standing by a friend (who is also bat shit crazy on meds, but can't see it) that I would have supported and helped no matter what .... only to be dropped like a hot brick at the first sign of trouble. Probably dropped faster than a hot brick actually .... like a hot boulder ... that has had kerosene poured on it and been set on fire ... and then sprayed by a skunk. You get the point.

Through all of my withdrawal and all of my legal mess there have been a few women (and a guido kind of dude) who have stood by me (even though we have never met) and I just wanted to take the time to tell them thank you for not judging me, for not hating me, and for not dropping me like a hot brick (or flaming skunk sprayed boulder). Ever heard the phrase "A friend will help you move, but a true friend will help you move a body"? Well I have no doubt in my mind that if I ever needed these wild women (or the guido) in that capacity that they would not only fly to my rescue ASAP - they would bring their own shovels. So to you ... Amity ... Fiona ... Ranger(Drew) ... Cally ... Nichole ... LC ... and Laurie (even though aliens have taken over her brain) ... a fresh glass of the finest wine available in a box ! I love you more than words can say and I will never be able to repay you for sticking with me through all of this.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A Rant on Technology in Education

This is a comment that I posted on a politician's website. The politician has the opinion that because a child was entertained by a video game on an airplane, then we need to change the way that we teach young children by using more technology. I disagree.

It actually makes me sad that a four year old child had to be entertained by a video in order to ride on an airplane. That time could have been spent on meaningful interaction between the parent and the child. I think that pushing technology on children at such a young age actually makes them lazy and less intelligent. What good does it do to funnel money into schools to purchase the latest technology when we continue to graduate children who cannot even read at an elementary level or do simple multiplication? Technology based programs such as Accelerated Math and Accelerated Reading have been used in schools for years and yet the students continue to lack in these basic areas. Technology also becomes a handy “baby sitter” for teachers who don’t want to actually teach – just pop in a video or let kids play games on the computer.

A kid with his head buried in a computer game, texting on his cell phone, or watching a video is not engaged in learning. He is simply pacified for the moment. Technology has made people socially inept, obese, and lacking in basic common knowledge. I seriously think that we need to get back to teaching the basics in elementary school and save the technology for upper level high school, when they should be preparing to either enter the work force or attend college.

She Must Have Lost Her Tin Foil Hat

My friend, Laurie (oh my goodness - does this make two ... count em ... two shout outs on my blog to my friend Laurie?) keeps trying to convert me to some new contraption where you read books on some electronic device. It's true ! First the light bulb and now this ... what is this world coming too? This is the working of those evil liberals I tell ya. Trying to take over the world through electronic books and such. They are probably in cahoots with the aliens .... of course they are ... in fact I think that their leaders are all aliens. Yep ... that's it ... of course he wasn't born in this country. He wasn't even born on this planet !!! He probably has one of those secret alien decoding book reader things too. Run for your lives kids !! Pack up the tin foil and the ammo .... we are heading to the bunker !

As for me, I will keep reading my books made out of paper, just like God intended for it to be, sitting in my bathtub drinking from a box of wine. Wait ... God wrote on tablets .... well that's beside the point. I refuse to be converted !

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

My Big Yellow Taxi

In case I haven't already mentioned it a bazillion times, I belong to the forum If you are on antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds, then you really should go check it out. Anywho - yesterday somebody on there mentioned a technique that her CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) therapist gave her for when the "blahs" hit. He told her to visual the bad thoughts and depression as a big, yellow taxi pulling up in front of her house. It's just sitting there. It wants you to get in and go for a ride, but her is the kicker. YOU DON'T HAVE TO ! That's right ... that damn depression taxi can sit there all day long, you don't have to get in. In fact, you can flip off the driver and tell him to take a long walk on a short pier. That is the key to all of this. YOU have the power. YOU have the control. YOU can change your life. That's one of the things that makes me yell at the antidepressant commercials (I yell at them for a lot of reasons - this is just one). They make you believe that you are helpless. That the way that you are feeling is out of your control. That you are in some ways "damaged" and that you have to have this "magic pill" to function. WRONG ! WRONG ! WRONG !

The only way to change your life is to ... um ... change your life. So this morning when the weight of my entire situation (mostly about the ginormous amout of debt that we have) was trying to crush me in my own bed, I decided to tell that depression cab driver to take a hike. I didn't lay there and dwell on how bad things were. I got up ! I got ready for my day ! I vowed to make changes that will make my life better. I have the power. I have the control. I can change my life .... and so can YOU !

Monday, April 26, 2010

Sandwiches Taste Better in the Mountains

We went hiking yesterday in the Wichita Mountains. We take these little family trips quite often, mainly to spend time together but also to get the kids away from the video games and tv for a whole day. Entertaining four teens and near teens in the wide open spaces is not easy. We only had the younger four with us because Rachel (Miss Pretty Princess) had to work. So the two teenage boys wanted to find someplace with mountains that they could actually climb and Emily wanted to climb with them. However, Beth, is NOT a climber. She would have preferred to sit in the air conditioned van for the entire time that we were there. However, she did not. Instead she stuck to me and Derek like a leech and followed us right along the little trails - chatting about every single thing that she saw along the way.

We ended up hiking around French Lake and down the creek. It was beautiful ! The flowers were blooming, the wind was blowing just enough that it wasn't hot out, and the kids didn't push each other into the lake (always a bonus). They even liked the lunch that we packed. Derek and I laughed about it. If we had told them at home that we were going to have dry ham and cheese sandwiches on stale hamburger buns with Chex Mix as a side item, graham crackers for dessert, and water to drink they would have whined and complained for hours on end. Evidently sandwiches taste better when you eat them in the back of a mini van parked in a tiny parking lot in the mountains after hiking. They actually wanted "seconds" and fought over the bottles of water. Go figure ! Maybe we should eat all of our meals in the mountains. That's it ! The next time we go hiking I am packing Spinach Ravioli with mixed vegetables on the side ! Let's see how that taste in the mountains.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

No More Bacardi Breezers for Us

Two women friends had gone for a girls night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives; however they had gotten overly enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she used it to wipe with. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go on home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girls night out things have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing, said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt. that said....From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you. ''

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Time Has Come

When I was on meds, I chopped and colored my hair on a very regular basis. At one point it was cut in a style similar to George Clooney's, but it stuck up all over the place. It was a base color of black in the back with three shades of brown on top and bright red (Ronald McDonaldish) highlights in the front. Well one day I decided that I wanted some blonde highlights, so I bought one of those facial hair bleaching kits and proceeded to highlight myself (one top of the other colors). Oh yeah ! I was nuts ! The more Derek told me that it was a bad idea, the more I wanted to do it (another loverly med side effect). So I did it. I looked like somebody had stuck a calico cat in a blender. I also seriously considered getting my eyebrow pierced and a tattoo on my neck ! Gosh - I wonder why Derek didn't want to go out in public with me !

Well for the past three years, through withdrawal and recovery. I have only colored my hair in order to cover up the grays and I have let it grow out. It is down to the middle of my back now. It hit me like a ton of bricks this morning that I was growing it out in an effort to show myself and Derek that I wasn't that crazy chick anymore who wanted to buzz her head and get a nose ring. Well the time has come to cut it. I have made my point and it is time to move on. I will try to refrain from getting the purple mohawk ! Maybe a nice, layered, shoulder length bob will work instead.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I Will "Paint"

I just read this quote and absolutely love it !

“If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint,” then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” ~Vincent van Gogh

I write on the weekends as much as I can. My goal is usually to get at least ten pages done and sometimes the words just flow out of me and before I know I have pounded out twenty five pages (those weekends are rare with five kids standing behind me tapping me on the shoulder going "momma" "momma" "momma"). There are times when that little voice tells me that I should just stop writing, that I am nothing special, that nobody is going to even look at my book, and they sure aren't going to buy it. Well the next time that little voice pops up ... I am going to listen to Mr. van Gogh ! My painting is actually writing ... but by gosh ... I am going to paint !

Monday, April 19, 2010

Necessity is the Mother of Five Children

We are broke. The deadbeat renter did NOT pay their rent again this month, so we are short $450 and as much as we would love to kick them to the curb, they still owe the city for an electricity bill that is still in our name. They even had the nerve to tell me that they couldn't pay rent on time this month, because they had to pay two electricity bills. I wanted to scream "IT WAS YOUR DAMN BILL !", but alas ... I refrained. We are seriously afraid that if we kick them out now then we will never see the money that they owe us and they will not pay the other half of that electricity bill either. So here we sit. TRAPPED AND SHORT $450 FOR THE MONTH !

The eldest boy child is down to two pairs of jeans and we came really close to going and buying some new ones for him yesterday, until I realized that we only had $200 in the bank and we still had to make it until next Friday (not to mention the fact that I haven't made my student loan payment yet this month and that is $250). So instead of driving to find him new jeans and spending at least $60 taking the whole family out to eat. We stayed home instead. We saved gas. We saved money on food. We saved ourselves the stress of taking the kids shopping and having to listen to the other four complain because they were not getting any new jeans and life is just not fair and we are the world's worst parents and God is going to punish us by making a volcano erupt in our back yard. blah blah blah

So we stayed home and cooked instead. Good thing that dear old Derek is a firefighter, because stand back everybody .... I AM COOKING ! We bought a $12 pork tenderloin at Sam's last week and got 3 meals out if (for 7 people !). The first meal - the hubby sliced up half of the tenderloin into "pork chops" and grilled them. Yesterday we put the other half in the slow cooker with some herbs, spices, and chicken broth and cooked it on low for 8 hours with enough left over to now make pulled pork barbeque sandwiches with it tomorrow night. We are so proud of ourselves !

Thanks @lavamama (Amity) for twisting my arm and making me buy a slow cooker and special thanks to the deadbeat renter for making us realize that we don't have to go out to eat to have a good meal, however you still us $450 ! We are not grateful enough to forget that !

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Retirement Plan

A few years ago at some party with people that we can barely tolerate and couldn't wait to leave, Derek walked away with a poker set. No .. he didn't steal it. It was one of those ridiculous gift exchange things were everybody fights over the Irish Cream drinking set or the sex toys that everybody knows that they are too prudish (yes .. that is a word) to actually use. Up until today, I don't think that the poker set has even been opened. So he gave it to our children. Yes - we are bad parents. Yes - we are going to hell. Yes - Rush Limbaugh really did say that the volcano eruption in Iceland was because God was angry that we passed Health Care Reform (I am creative, but even I couldn't make that one up).

I walked upstairs earlier to witness the four younger kids learning how to play Texas Hold Em poker from the instructions included in the poker set. I just had to laugh. Let's hope that they get really good at it and when they turn 21then I can take them to Vegas and win big time and in their speech after winning the tournament they will stand up and say "Thanks Mom and Dad for encouraging us to gamble". We will just wipe the tears from our eyes and say "We are so proud of you".

Friday, April 16, 2010

And How Did That Make You Feel?

A question was asked on a forum that I belong to about therapy and several people posted about how they sought help from a psychiatrist and started taking meds. Well if you haven't figured it out by now, I am not a fan of traditional therapy. No big shocker there. After the hell that psychotropic meds put me and my family though, no thanks ! I have learned a few things over the years and one of the most profound things that I have learned is that traditional therapy does NOT work. The whole "lay on the couch and bitch about your problems while I sit here and write it down in your chart" doesn't do a damn thing for anybody. In fact, it probably does more harm than good. If I sat around griping about everything that had ever gone wrong in my life then I would not be much fun to be around at all. I know people like this (my mother for one). Never happy. Constantly complaining. Wanting sympathy from anybody who will give it. Yet never working towards a change in their lives that might make them better.

This is where CBT (Cognitive Behavorial Therapy) comes in. It is really not that new, yet people are just now figuring out that it is an effective type of therapy that actually empowers people to change their thoughts, attitudes, and actions so that they can change their lives. No more just sitting and blaming all of the bad stuff that has ever happened for the way a person acts. No more paying hundreds (more likely thousands) to a psychiatrist who only listens to you for about 5 minutes and then hands you a prescription. People are not helpless ... no matter what the drug commercials say.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

For Those Times When You Don't Want to Be Inspired

My favorite (and my new motto)

Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove... But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins become a tourist attraction.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Are We Too Strict?

During a yelling conversation with Miss Pretty Princess on Saturday, she informed me that we (her parents) are "choking her with all of our rules". The rules have always been the same and I don't think that they are unreasonable at all. We expect our kids to make at least Cs, I would have liked them to get all As and Bs,but since Derek was a C student we relaxed the grade rule a little and now only ground them if they have below a C. Reasonable? I think so. We enforce a curfew that is the same as their grade (if you are in the 11th grade then your curfew is 11 o'clock). Reasonable? I think so. We only allow them to spend the night with friends that we know their parents and we usually speak to the parents before our child is allowed to spend the night so that we know where they are going to be and who they are going to be with. Reasonable? I think so.

We also told them that if they had a cell phone, which the older two USED to have, that we would be checking the messages at any time and they better not be sending messages that they don't want us to see. I know waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much about sexting laws and don't want my children going to prison for doing something stupid. They also knew that I would be checking the cell phone bill every month and that I would know when they sent a text, what time they sent it, and to whom they sent it. Reasonable ? I think so. Well Miss Pretty Princess told me on Saturday during the shoot out at the dining room table that we were the only parents that she knew of who actually checked the cell phone bill. To which I replied "Well then your friends have bad parents!". Did she really think that by telling me that none of the other parents check the bill that I was going to stop checking it? Oh that silly girl !

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Nobody Ever Reads the Card

In case you haven't figured it out by now ... my mother is crazy. Not just a little ... a lot and also in case you haven't figured it out by now .... Derek and I are both slightly sarcastic. I know ... hard to believe, but alas .. it is true. We love nothing more than finding some hidden opportunity to make each other bust out laughing. Well he found one.

The other night Beth informed us that we had forgotten to get a birthday gift for the party that she was getting ready to leave for. Derek told her that it was okay, we would just give the little girl some money and that would make a great gift. Beth then said, "but we didn't get her a card" to which Derek replied "nobody ever reads the cards so why waste money on buying one". I tried to help him out by asking her, "do you remember what the Christmas card from granny said or do you just remember that there was money in it?" She laughed and grabbed her stuff and they walked out the front door. Not two seconds later, Derek flies back in the door and says "knowing your crazy ass mother the card probably said "BIPPITY BOPPITY BOO - I LOVE BANANAS".

He got me. I spit Dr. Pepper all the way across the floor. Damn ... I love that man !

Monday, April 12, 2010

At Least One of Them Gets It

After the weekend from hell with Miss Pretty Princess, it was so nice to hear my son say "I am glad that we are not rich because if we got everything that we ever wanted then it wouldn't be special and we wouldn't want to work for anything" last night. I nearly choked on my Philly cheesesteak sandwich when I heard those words come out of his mouth. I even yelled at Derek (screamed like the house was on fire) and made him come back into the living room so that Bryce (the 15 year old son) could repeat what he said. It was a great moment. It deserved repeating. After he repeated it for the benefit of the daddy, Riley (the 14 year old son) looked at me and said "Nah - I would rather be rich". Oh well .... at least one of them gets it ... or he is putting on a good show because he is grounded for his bad grades and is doing some major ass kissing to try to get on our good side. Just for today I am going to believe that we are doing something right ... just for today.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Alex for President !

Based on the accent, I don't think that he is eligible to run for President, but that isn't really the point. The point is .... this is hilarious !

got to and search for "Alex Reads Twilight"

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Only Person That I Can Change is Myself

When I was on meds, my ego was so huge that I thought that everybody had to love me. I had to be everybody's best friend. I had to be the life of the party. Oh don't get me wrong - I treated people like absolute poo, but then instantly expected them to just get over it and be my bestest of friends again (oh yeah - I was a nutjob). Well during all of that time, anytime that Derek and I would have a fight I would instantly start feeling like he didn't love me any more and that I had to somehow make everything "okay". He would end up going downstairs and sleeping on the couch (trying to get away from my craziness) and I would follow him and beg him to forgive me and come back up to bed. I just couldn't stand the thought of anybody being angry or upset with me even though they had every right to be.

Maybe it's the maturity that I have gained from my whole situation, but I have a new attitude about relationships. I have slowly come to the conclusion that somebody else's happiness or level of contentment is not my problem and it isn't my job to make everything "okay" for them - and that includes Derek. It isn't my responsibility to make him not be mad at me or to make him in a better mood when he is being a grouch. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him that I wasn't going to be his "f-ing cheerleader" anymore and that when he chooses to be in a bad mood then I choose to not be around him. The only person that I can change is myself and I am slowly working on that. From now on - I am going to be my own cheerleader !

Monday, April 5, 2010

At Least the Guy on the Corner is Honest About It

I just happened to find this article this morning and it says so much. Especially to me, a former prescription drug addict who can now see that the state legislators know very little about addiction and how to stop drug related crimes in our state. Doctors and drug companies are killing more people each year than the street drug biz, yet nobody seems to care too much about it.

Prescription drug addicts don't look like the typical drug addict. They have families and jobs and cars. They function on a pretty normal level most of the time and they are only a phone call away from their next fix. They are doctors, lawyers, daycare workers, and teachers. They are driving out on the road with you and they are doped out of their minds. My addictions were antidepressants, hormones, blood pressure meds, and sleeping pills - the combination of which (especially mixed with vodka) could have killed me at least a hundred times. Looking back on my whole situation, what really makes me angry was the quickness of my doctor (an ob/gyn) to whip out the prescription pad for every little symptom that I complained about, never once making the connection between my high blood pressure, weight gain, inability to sleep, and hormone problems to the original "cure all" pill, Paxil. He never should have been refilling my Paxil in the first place. What the hell did he know about psychotropic meds? (not much - obviously)

In many ways I actually have more respect for the guy on the street corner who is handing out meth than I do for the doctor with the prescription pad. At least the guy on the street is honest about what he is doing. He doesn't hide behind the fact that he is causing people to be addicted to the point of death so that he can profit from it. Oh no ... he will come right out and tell you that he doesn't care whether or not he is ruining somebody's life ... as long as he gets his money or his fix then all is right with the world. He doesn't get to be a part of some street drug dealer association and attend fancy conferences where he spews lies and propaganda about the benefits of meth. Oh no .... he can't hide behind a big fancy mahogany desk in his corner office, under the guise of helping people while he is slowly killing them. He doesn't get to hire himself fancy lawyers when he gets caught handing out pain meds by the thousands to just about anybody who comes in his office. He is by no means a good person for what he does, but neither is the "doctor" who takes the freebies from Big Pharma and pretends to care about his patients.

Little Johnny Can't Read a Road Sign ... but He Can Send a Text

I am seriously considering sending a copy of the lovely Miss Pretty Princess (although right now she is more Miss Pissy Acting Princess) phone bill to the school principal. I marked all of the texts that she sent during school hours in bright red and she had the nerve to tell us that it wasn't really her fault that she sent all of those texts during school hours because "we weren't doing anything in those classes anyway", to which Derek replied "oh really, you weren't doing ANYTHING at 9:05, or again in the next hour at 10:15, or in the next hour at 11:23, or in the next hour at 12:05 (well you see where this is going)". She just stood there with the boo hoo weepy eyes refusing to acknowledge the fact that Number one - she shouldn't have been sending the texts during school and Number two - nobody grabbed her little hands and made her do it because everybody else was doing it and "we weren't doing anything in those classes anyway". I want the principal to explain to me what the hell is going on during the school day that my daughter can sit through every single class texting away and NOBODY notices .... all while FLUNKING two of her classes ! What the hell ???

I recently read a website for a politician who wants to invest more money in technology for schools. Really ? Do you really think that that is what we need? My daughter knows how to use technology just fine. In fact , she is so great at it that she can do it while sitting in school, while she is working at a grocery store AND while she is sleeping !!! However - she cannot tell me how to multiply 50 X 100 without using a piece of paper and she cannot name any of the elements or their symbols and she cannot write an essay for English without using the word "like" in every single sentence. Oh yeah ... we sure do need more technology ... it's not rotting their little brains and making them an entire generation of idiots fast enough.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Accounting Style Parenting

In order to illustrate the different "issues" that we have with Miss Pretty Princess's cell phone use I have downloaded the cell phone bill into an Excel spreadsheet and am color coding the different "issues". Texts sent during school will be highlighted in red. Texts sent while she was supposed to be working will be highlighted in blue and texts sent in the middle of the night while the little darling was supposed to be sleeping will be highlighted in yellow. We want those to be easily read so that she can see the numbers well enough to tell us who was so important that she had to communicate with them at 3 o'clock in the morning. There better be a White House number somewhere in that list.

This spreadsheet is going to be so covered in color that it will look like a rainbow barfed on it.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Maybe She Went to Work for the Census

Everybody remember my darling little daughter who has had serious problems with self control when it comes to using the phone? Well she is baaaaaaaaaaaack and in full force !!! I used to think that she must be secretly working for NASA because she was constantly on the phone and she must have had very important things to talk about with very important people. For a while, the phone bills got better so I assumed that she resigned from her job at NASA. Well she must have gone to work for the Census, because the bill is worse than ever !!!

I just looked at this month's cell phone bill and little miss pretty princess sent nearly 7,500 text messages in a month !!!! Some of them were sent in the middle of the night and a lot of them were sent while she was at work ! AT WORK !!! Just the other night she was bawling and crying about how tired and stressed she was .... blah blah blah. WELL MAYBE YOU WOULDNT BE SO DAMN TIRED IF YOU WERENT UP UNTIL 3 IN THE DAMN MORNING SENDING DAMN TEXTS TO EVERY DAMN PERSON THAT YOU KNOW !!!!

It would be so much easier to be a parent who just didn't give a sh*t !!!!

Why didn't you want kids of your own?

A lady on one of the forums that I belong to asked a question about whether or not anybody knew of anybody who was "anti-adoption". I wrote this response because some people had written things about people being totally against it. Then I quickly discovered that I really shouldn't write stuff about adopting my kids when I have PMS. Man oh man - I am a bawling mess !

My husband and I chose to adopt. We didn't try to have a baby. I was on birth control pills for years and then after we found out that we were going to adopt our twins' older siblings, my husband went and got "snipped". It was our choice. Our first choice. My kids are not the "consolation prize" because we couldn't get pregnant. These our are children, not by accident, not by last resort, but by choice. The question that always sends me over the edge is "Why didn't you want kids of your own?", as if my children are not really mine.

I have held them while they were running 102 fevers and puking their guts out. I have doctored their scraped knees and stood by them in the ER when they broke their arm skateboarding. I have helped them with their homework and stood up for them when they were being picked on at school. I have waited up for them when they have gone on their first dates and I have taught them how to drive. I have held their hands and ate ice cream by the gallon with them when a boy broke their heart and I have laughed with them when we play games together. I have had to make the horrible decision of whether or not to tell them when their mother died a few years ago and I wrapped my arms around them and held them for hours after we broke the horrible news to them.

So for anybody who thinks that an adopted child is not a "real child" or my "own child", I have to disagree. They are the most real things in the world to me and I will love them and fight for them and care for them until my dying day !

Thursday, April 1, 2010

She asked ... So I told her

Somebody on a forum asked me this question:

Hey, could you go ahead and give me a summary of your experience with Paxil? I want to hear everything! Thanks. :)

So this is the response that I sent back:

I originally was put on Paxil for stress. My mother is a prescription drug addict and she has been on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds for as long as I can remember. She used to tell us all of the time that depression ran in our family and that we were all destined to need meds someday. She was actually happy when I went on Paxil, which I now find rather disturbing.

The Paxil slowly changed me from a kind, caring, intelligent person into a complete monster and I couldn't even see it. I was cruel to people. I talked over people. My ego was huge and I always had to be right about everything. I had no impulse control and had to be the center of attention. I would openly flirt with just about any man in sight, often right in front of my husband. I had a serious case of the "don't give a damns". That is one of the major side effects of these types of meds. You aren't really depressed any more, but you sure are not happy either. You pretty much don't feel anything at all. My husband seriously thought about divorcing me and at the time I was so numb on the meds that I wouldn't have even cared.

It took something really tragic happening for me to see how I was acting and that I wasn't really myself. I searched "Paxil side effects" on Google and found That forum literally saved my life. It took me about nine months to taper off of the Paxil and I have been med free since August 25, 2007. Withdrawal was hell, not going to lie about that. SSRIs make some serious changes to how the brain and body function and it takes time to get back to normal.

What were you prescribed the Paxil for, if you don't mind me asking?