Sunday, February 28, 2010

Honey - Did You Know That They Have Slot Machines Here?

The countdown is on ! Two weeks from today we will be rolling into fabulous Las Vegas ! This will be the first time that we have been there since I went through all of my drama and I am so excited to go. The previous four trips out there are a vague blur thanks to the meds that I was doped out of my mind on. I would make big elaborate plans to go to fancy restaurants, exciting shows, shopping, etc. and then when the time came I would be filled with this overwhelming sense of doom and would back out and go hide in the hotel room. What kind of vacation is that? I literally planned the trips based on what the hotel rooms looked like because I knew that no matter how much I wanted to get out and do fun stuff, I would ultimately end up back in the hotel room alone.

Well not this time. This time I am going to actually go to the fancy restaurants, the exciting shows, and the cool stores. This time I am going to try new foods, enjoy myself, pace myself on the drinking and actually remember the trip. That is what those meds really do. You feel like you are living in a dream and nothing feels real. That is not living - that is just existing. I am around two and a half years med free and the sky seems bluer, the air smells sweeter, and the pull of Vegas has never been stronger. This chick is ready to have her some real fun. No more hiding in hotel rooms! I used to wonder about people who would only pay $29 a night for a hotel room in Vegas because they were only going to sleep and shower there, but now I am thinking "hell - we are taking deoderant and toothpaste - we could just sleep in the car".

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

We Accidentally Got the Wii Fat

After weekends upon weekends of searching for the Wii Fit Plus in every Target in the state (yes - we drove to every single one - trust me we really did - don't believe me - well too bad - that's not the point), we finally broke down and went to a Wal-Mart where there was the lonely single box of the last Wii Fit Plus on the planet. As I have previously written about, we are fat and we need to stop sitting our fat aces in front of the tv every night with a bag of chips in our chubby little hands. Well the Wii Fit Plus is the answer. We have had it for three whole days now and have done yoga, strength training, and balance games on it every single day.

The most hilarious thing is when the program takes your little Mii and adjusts how it looks based on your height and weight. My little Mii is not so little any more. She and the tubby little Derek Mii practically hyperventilate when they jog into the Wii Fit Plaza and if you look really close Derek's Mii is holding a Carl's Jr. Fried Pork Chop and Gravy Biscuit. Mine isn't holding food, but she does have a hose hooked up to a box of wine. Don't judge her - those yoga moves are hard and it does say that you can lean against something for balance, so she uses her wine box.

At the end of a long hard day there is nothing stress relieving like watching your 230 pound hunk of a man play the Hula Hoop game ! I laughed so hard that I almost spilled my wine ! If that doesn't get you to laughing, then try finding Derek laying on the couch in the middle of the yoga routine. I walked in to find him spread out while the little trainer kept asking where he was. Turns out that when she says "return to your original position" after doing the Palm Tree pose, she does NOT mean laying your fat ass back on the couch. Who knew ?

Friday, February 19, 2010

There Isn't a Box of Wine Big Enough ....

... to make tomorrow a fun day. We are taking Pretty Princess aka Rachel prom dress shopping all day long. Knowing her she will try on every single dress in the store, and loooooooooooove the one that is two sizes too small and makes everything hang out. We will then have a huge argument about it and will force her to buy somethng that looks like this. Yeah right .... as if we would make her get a brown dress.

Pffffft ..... we aren't that cruel. :)

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Letter I Need to Write

In case I have not told you yet, I have a friend with a fabulous project. I think that I told you, but can't remember if I have or not. Hell - that was enough boxes of wine ago to build a fort so get off of my back about it and if I have already told you then drink more boxed wine yourself and you will forget and then you will start thinking "I wish that she would tell us more about this letter writing friend of hers". Well sit back my blog reading buddies - for you are in for a treat - here it goes. My friend, Amity, is writing letters. Real letters. Real paper. Real ink pens (and yes she will make fun of me for saying "ink pens" instead of just pens, but she is from Utah where they don't have hog pens and horse pens and cow pens so we will just have to forgive her). Real stamps. Real mail men (or women) who take the letters to the people personally. No email. No text messages. No instant messages. Honest to goodness - actual letters. I am fascinated by her project and have decided to be inspired by her letter writing.

I am sure that only a few of you know my personal situation and the hell that I have endured over the past few years. Hell is the only real way to describe it and I was there for so long that I still have the slight odor of smoke to me. I was a prescription drug addict and pretty serious alcoholic. I joke a lot now about drinking boxed wine, but I actually only have about one drink a week. During the worst of my addictions, I drank every night and when I drank - I draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank. I tried to hide it from Derek, but he really knew what was going on. Plus I was so bat shit crazy out of my mind from the meds, that he just found it easier to leave me alone about it than to start a fight. Oh yes - I am sure that I was a real peach to live with.

Ok back to the letter writing. About three and a half years ago (man time sure does fly by), something so horrific happened that I landed in a jail cell. Not a place that I ever thought that I would be in. EVER !!! The really sad thing is that it took a jail cell for me to see how crazy I was acting. I was cruel to the people that I loved the most. I was pushy. I was opinionated. I was downright mean. I basically stalked people and couldn't understand why people wouldn't do exactly what I wanted them too. The meds took the real me and turned me into an absolute monster. No other way to describe it.

Well that jail cell was my "slap in the face" (hence the name of the blog). I laid there on that concrete slab with my itchy, wool blanket thinking that I shouldn't be there. A few days later I Googled "Paxil side effects" and found the forum Those people literally saved my life. I tapered off of the meds and took my last dose of Paxil on August 25, 2007 (the day I like to call my rebirthday). While the things that I have endured the past three and a half years have not been fun, I have been alive to experience them - a lot of people on these meds were not that lucky. I still have hard days. Everybody does, but I am so grateful for the things that I have learned that I am not so sure that if given the chance to go back and changes things that I would.

So if he (the person who put me in that jail cell) ever reads this, I just want him to know that I am not angry. I am not bitter (anymore). I am sorry, but most of all I am grateful and someday I will get that letter finished and I will say everything that I need to say to you and life will go on.

Monday, February 15, 2010

It Was a Nice Gesture

After days of mud, and brown snow, and driving by the landfill on my way to and from work every single day - the car looked like poo. So my loving husband took it through the car wash yesterday evening on his way back from filling it up with gas. Yes - he is that kind of guy ! It still amazes me sometimes how badly I treated this wonderful man when I was doped out of my mind on meds and vodka. What woman wouldn't want a man who went to put gas in the family vehicle and then stopped to wash it before he brought it home?

It was a nice gesture and I really appreciated it, until we tried to get the doors open this morning. Who knew that when you washed your car in twenty degree weather that the doors would freeze shut? I know that it sounds like a common sense kind of thing, but it literally never crossed our minds. Riley stood there outside the van (yes - super woman DOES drive a Nissan Quest) and tried to either jerk the handle off of the door or rip his arm out of the socket, because everybody knows that all of the world's problems can be solved with brute force. He did NOT get the door open. However, he did get it budged enough to make the sensor beep the whole time that I drove the kids to school (after the kids had to all crawl through the front seats to get to their seats - after they walked through every mud puddle in the neighborhood so that I would have muddy foot prints on my ass for the rest of the day).

I cursed - more than once !!! After a morning of Derek complaining because somebody washed their shoes in his bathroom sink and literally splashed mud all over the bathroom as if they were at a monster truck rally, Riley trying to wear shorts to school in twenty degree weather because he didn't bother to tell us that all of his jeans were dirty, and Rachel standing in the middle of my bathroom spraying hair spray like she was Dolly Parton preparing for a concert - the stuck doors was the last straw. This camel had had it - and I cursed !

Friday, February 12, 2010


I swear if I hear somebody sigh one more time, or bitch about how much more work they have to do than anybody else, or complain about how there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done .... somebody is getting a staple remover TO THE FACE !!!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Did you brush your teeth and put on deoderant?

If I had a dollar for every time that I have asked that question, I would be a very rich woman. I would be so rich that I would have a cabana next to a pool next to a mansion next to a river in Las Vegas. I know that there are not any rivers in Las Vegas, but that's okay. I would be so rich that I could have one installed.

Riley had Saturday school this morning which meant that I woke up wide awake at 6:30 even though it was a Saturday and I layed there in bed wide awake even after Derek left for work because I was afraid that I would fall back to sleep and not get up in time to drive Riley to school. He (aka Oklahoma Jones) got in trouble for taking a laser pointer off of a teacher's desk and "accidentally" forgot to tell her that he had it or to take it back to her. Of course it wasn't his fault. It was all a conspiracy against him. Life is not fair and nobody likes him. Blah blah blah. The point of the story is that Saturday is my day to sleep in and I didnt get to because my dumb ace son can't keep his hands off of other people's stuff.

He stood around waiting for me to find my shoes and get the car keys. I asked the question that I always ask every single one of my kids each and every time we are getting ready to walk out the door. "Did you brush your teeth and put on deoderant?" I got the "who are you and what are you talking about? What are these teeth things that you speak of?" look. Which answered my question. I pointed towards the bathroom and he went. Who knows if he actually brushed his teeth while he was in there. More than likely he just stood there in the middle of the room for five minutes trying to figure out how to work that door thing so he could get back out. When he emerged I asked "did you put on deoderant" to which he replied, "I am only going to Saturday school". EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW !!!

Teenagers are just gross ! I don't care if you are going to meet the President, going to school, or just going to the post office - you ALWAYS brush your teeth and put on deoderant. The last thing in the world a mother wants is to have the "stinky" kids at school.