Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Letter I Need to Write

In case I have not told you yet, I have a friend with a fabulous project. I think that I told you, but can't remember if I have or not. Hell - that was enough boxes of wine ago to build a fort so get off of my back about it and if I have already told you then drink more boxed wine yourself and you will forget and then you will start thinking "I wish that she would tell us more about this letter writing friend of hers". Well sit back my blog reading buddies - for you are in for a treat - here it goes. My friend, Amity, is writing letters. Real letters. Real paper. Real ink pens (and yes she will make fun of me for saying "ink pens" instead of just pens, but she is from Utah where they don't have hog pens and horse pens and cow pens so we will just have to forgive her). Real stamps. Real mail men (or women) who take the letters to the people personally. No email. No text messages. No instant messages. Honest to goodness - actual letters. I am fascinated by her project and have decided to be inspired by her letter writing.

I am sure that only a few of you know my personal situation and the hell that I have endured over the past few years. Hell is the only real way to describe it and I was there for so long that I still have the slight odor of smoke to me. I was a prescription drug addict and pretty serious alcoholic. I joke a lot now about drinking boxed wine, but I actually only have about one drink a week. During the worst of my addictions, I drank every night and when I drank - I draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank. I tried to hide it from Derek, but he really knew what was going on. Plus I was so bat shit crazy out of my mind from the meds, that he just found it easier to leave me alone about it than to start a fight. Oh yes - I am sure that I was a real peach to live with.

Ok back to the letter writing. About three and a half years ago (man time sure does fly by), something so horrific happened that I landed in a jail cell. Not a place that I ever thought that I would be in. EVER !!! The really sad thing is that it took a jail cell for me to see how crazy I was acting. I was cruel to the people that I loved the most. I was pushy. I was opinionated. I was downright mean. I basically stalked people and couldn't understand why people wouldn't do exactly what I wanted them too. The meds took the real me and turned me into an absolute monster. No other way to describe it.

Well that jail cell was my "slap in the face" (hence the name of the blog). I laid there on that concrete slab with my itchy, wool blanket thinking that I shouldn't be there. A few days later I Googled "Paxil side effects" and found the forum Those people literally saved my life. I tapered off of the meds and took my last dose of Paxil on August 25, 2007 (the day I like to call my rebirthday). While the things that I have endured the past three and a half years have not been fun, I have been alive to experience them - a lot of people on these meds were not that lucky. I still have hard days. Everybody does, but I am so grateful for the things that I have learned that I am not so sure that if given the chance to go back and changes things that I would.

So if he (the person who put me in that jail cell) ever reads this, I just want him to know that I am not angry. I am not bitter (anymore). I am sorry, but most of all I am grateful and someday I will get that letter finished and I will say everything that I need to say to you and life will go on.


  1. Hi. I'm a new reader. This was a POWERFULL post. Thank you. Stay strong.

  2. Thank you so much Cindy ! I needed the encouragement today.

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  4. Have I told you lately that you ROCK and I am SOOO proud of you? No? I haven't? Well then...