Friday, April 2, 2010

Why didn't you want kids of your own?

A lady on one of the forums that I belong to asked a question about whether or not anybody knew of anybody who was "anti-adoption". I wrote this response because some people had written things about people being totally against it. Then I quickly discovered that I really shouldn't write stuff about adopting my kids when I have PMS. Man oh man - I am a bawling mess !

My husband and I chose to adopt. We didn't try to have a baby. I was on birth control pills for years and then after we found out that we were going to adopt our twins' older siblings, my husband went and got "snipped". It was our choice. Our first choice. My kids are not the "consolation prize" because we couldn't get pregnant. These our are children, not by accident, not by last resort, but by choice. The question that always sends me over the edge is "Why didn't you want kids of your own?", as if my children are not really mine.

I have held them while they were running 102 fevers and puking their guts out. I have doctored their scraped knees and stood by them in the ER when they broke their arm skateboarding. I have helped them with their homework and stood up for them when they were being picked on at school. I have waited up for them when they have gone on their first dates and I have taught them how to drive. I have held their hands and ate ice cream by the gallon with them when a boy broke their heart and I have laughed with them when we play games together. I have had to make the horrible decision of whether or not to tell them when their mother died a few years ago and I wrapped my arms around them and held them for hours after we broke the horrible news to them.

So for anybody who thinks that an adopted child is not a "real child" or my "own child", I have to disagree. They are the most real things in the world to me and I will love them and fight for them and care for them until my dying day !


  1. Good for you. I think adoption is wonderful and that question really boggled my mind. I'm sorry if adopted kids have had bad experiences, but I know way more biological kids who had terrible childhoods. Remaining with biological parents who don't want you/can't take care of you is NOT a better risk than adoption, even if not everyone lucks out.

    I have a friend (mentioned it on that same thread) who plans to adopt. She thinks having your own kid seems wrong, when there are so many kids out there who need loving families. I agree with her. Adoption isn't really for me - statistically, I'm much more likely to get an extrovert by adopting, and since my husband and I are both extremely introverted, such a prospect scares us - but we would do it, if having biological kids didn't work out, and I KNOW we would love them Every. Bit. As. Much.

    I read a story once... it was written by a woman who was adopted at the age of six by a single woman. For the first week, she was on her best behaviour. Then, for no reason that she can verbalize, she decided to rip up her new mother's living room carpet and smash all the decorations in the room.

    Her new mother came in an surveyed the damage caused by her newly adopted daughter. The little girl was terrified. She KNEW her new mother would send her back. But the woman got down on her knees and hugged her, and told her "You are my daughter, and nothing you can do will ever make me stop loving you."

    She never acted out again, and she worshipped her mother.

    Whenever I think of that story, I want to adopt a million children and hug them all.

  2. To be a real and true mother, that is what you are, just because it didnt happen "by choice" doesnt mean you arent a mom, and the same holds true for people who give birth, and then dont want to be moms, they dont deserve that title, because they dont know what it really means. I have a"step-daughter" I have been in her life since she was 3, she is 6 now. I personally think of her as my daughter, and refer to her as such. I have been more of a mother to her than her "bio-mom" could ever be, since she didnt even want her! So, being a mom, is an inherent nature, just because you didnt give birth, doesnt mean they arent your kids!

  3. I second that. I couldn't respond to that thread, either, because it... just... gah.