Monday, September 14, 2009

Practical Names for Magazines

For those of you sitting there scratching your stuff and wondering what the heck a picture of pesto has to do with the names of magazines ... well I will get to that in a minute. For those of you that were wondering why there was a picture of chopped up grass in a bowl with a spoon by it on my blog ... you need to get out more often ... that's pesto you big bunch of hillbillies.
For those of you who know me personally (aka the fortunate ones), you know my struggles with antidepressants and sleeping pills and hormones and alcohol, etc. etc. well if you missed out on the time when the combination of those things made me bat sh*t crazy then you missed out on a lot. What am I saying? If you had lived through the bat sh*t crazy years then you surely wouldn't be talking to me now. You would have changed your name, sanded off your fingerprints, and caught a plane to an undisclosed location by now. Oh yes - I was THAT crazy !
Well during my looney years (severe mania, impulsive behavior, irrational thoughts, etc.), I became obsessed with magazines. If it was in print then this chick subscribed to it. Oh look honey - Teen Beat is still in print - where is that damn subscription card? I would get at least five magazines a week, sometimes more. I am sure my mailman wondered where this lumberjack, literary goddess, Betty Crocker wannabe, doll collecting, fashionista lived because looking at me then you wouldn't have thought that I gave a damn about anything especially not fashion or hair combing ... although I did wear a lot of plaid and carried an axe so he may not have wondered about the Lumberjack Quarterly as much.
I am slowly weeding through the magazine subscriptions and stopping the ones that I don't read any more. Some of them I get in the mail and just have to wonder who does read this crap. Does anybody really care that there are 57 ways to make pesto? Do they really go to the store and buy all of the ingredients to have a Pesto Party. I can just see the invitations now "Come on over on Friday for my annual Pesto Party - a night full of Pesto, Pesto, Pesto - and a line a the bathroom !" I have yet to come across one of my many food and cooking magazines that actually has stuff in it that my kids would even eat. I would love to see magazine names that actually said what was in them like "Stuff that you will waste your money on and try to force your children to eat even though they will hide it in their pockets and then beg for Ramen Noodles" or "The pictures of the food in here look great but yours will come out looking as if some alien puked in your serving dish".
I have also noticed that I have a ton of subscriptions to magazines for clothes and make-up that I would have worn in my crazy years but no way would be caught crazy in now. Sure, a five year subscription to Dressing Like a Drag Queen sounded economical at the time but now it just seems frivolous. Well doesn't anything associated with dressing like a circus clown on crack come across as a little bit frivolous. I think so.
P.S. If anybody wants to read up on the latest logging techniques, which lipgloss goes best with a hot pink sequined jumpsuit with matching cape, or needs to know the 104 ways to whip up cole slaw then I am the chick to ask. In fact, I might even let you have the whole magazine. It's true ! Dare to dream !


  1. Lol. Since I already know 104 ways to whip up coleslaw and am a lip gloss PRO, I'll take Logging Techniques for $400, Alex!

  2. You are too funny! And for the record, my daughter (and myself and husband) LOVES pesto!