Princess Cinderella

When we first adopted Rachel she was six years old. She was mature beyond her years. You would have been too if you had been changing diapers and raising your little brothers since you were three. We had already decided that we were going to change the kids' names (at least their middle names) when the adoption was final and we thought that it would be neat to let Rachel pick her own name. She thought about it for quite a while and then one day came running to us, just beaming ... "I have decided on my new name" she announced. "I want it to be Princess Cinderella" As much as she loved it we really couldn't picture a 40 year old woman named that, so we just kept Rachel.

The Devil on My Shoulder

A coworker of mine gave me coupons to Carl's Jr. She knows that I really do love Carl's Jr. However it is a little pricey for this broke chick, so I only go when I have coupons. Well now I have coupons ! Here is the dilemma .... I am having a physcial done for a life insurance policy on Monday. I really have been trying to cut down on my sodium intake so that my blood pressure will not be high. I have been a "good girl" and have been eating disgusting frozen meals with low sodium (cardboard with some cardboard flavored sauce) all week. Should I go to Carl's Jr. today? Before you answer that ... remember that I do have a coupon !

One of my friends (Amity ... the one who drinks spinach smoothies) is the angel on my shoulder who is reminding me that this burger (the Guacamole Bacon Burger) has 1, 040 calories in it and 2,240 mg of sodium (almost two days worth of sodium in one burger). The other friend (you know her as the evil Laurie who tried to convert me to her alien book reader machine) told me that I basically could be hit by a bus tomorrow and I would be lying on the street saying "Oh how I wish that I had gone to Carl's Jr. one last time".

What should I do ? I was good all week. I really was. Plus I don't really like bacon ... so I could get it without the bacon ... that would knock off at least 2,000 mg of sodium ... right?

Why Doesn't She Just Leave?

The murder of Yeardley Love, the senior at the University of Virginia who was killed by her boyfriend this week, has sparked a lot of debate across the country. So many people are wondering why she just didn't leave him if he had a history of alcoholism and being abusive (to her and others). The blame has been placed on the roommate, her friends, his friends, the school, etc. when maybe the blame needs to be placed on all of us. As a society, why aren't we teaching people how to interact with each other without having to have alcohol or having to use violence? Why aren't we offering courses in junior highs and high schools about respect, love, and conflict resolution? Why aren't we telling children that the best way to deal with life is NOT by having a drink, popping a pill, or screaming at somebody?

I was in an extremely violent relationship my Senior year in high school. I have been beaten with a baseball bat. I have been pushed out of a moving car without my shoes (so that it would be harder for me to run). I have stared down the end of a shotgun while somebody yelled at me "if you didn't act like such a slut then I wouldn't have to do this stuff". He saw me talking to a boy that I had know since kindergarten one day after school. That was what brought on the shotgun attack. He never hit me in the face (the seasoned abuse pros NEVER hit in the face), but my arms and legs were usually covered with bruises the size of grapefruits.

It doesn't start out as physical abuse. If you went out on a first date with a guy who walked you to the door and then punched you in the face, you would run as fast as you could and you would call the cops. It just isn't that simple. It's a slow process where they start to wear you down to the point that you really do believe them when they start telling you that you are a fat slut that nobody but them could possibly love. They get inside your head and you know when they tell you that if you ever leave then they will hunt you down and kill you ... they will. People would tell me all the time to "just break up with him". It wasn't that easy. I was brainwashed into believing that it was my fault and if I just wouldn't do the things that made him angry then we would be happy again. The victim just can't see it ... until one day they either have enough of it and realize that they deserve better and walk out (still living in fear that he will find them) or they stay and they endure it (especially if they have children). A protective order is just a piece of paper and if she doesn't have a major support system then it seems impossible to function without him. That is why I honestly believe that any woman who kills an abusive husband should be given a minimal sentence ... sometimes it is the only way out.

It's also a vicious cycle. My ex's father treated his mother the same way that my ex treated me. When you grow up (both boys and girls) believing that a woman is a servant to the man and that the man has the right to abuse her, then that is all that you know. We have to break the cycle. WE HAVE TO !!!

Just Keep Swimming

Well depression hit hard and fast this morning out of nowhere. I can usually lay still in my bed and pray and think good thoughts and it goes away - well not today. It stuck around. Nothing has really changed and I don't know why I just feel "down" today. There are days (like today) when I get mad at myself for not being able to just "get over" what has happened to me. I expressed this sentiment once to a wise person at paxilprogress (ok - it was Laurie - another shoot out on the blog to her) and she told me "you don't have to get over it - you just have to get on with it". So today - I am just getting on with it - I might be going through the motions and not really making much progress but at least I am out of bed and getting through the day.

My favorite line from the movie, Finding Nemo, is when the fish are all trapped in the net and they just know that it is hopeless. Dory tells them "Just Keep Swimming - Just Keep Swimming !" and eventually they break free of the net and swim away. That has been my mantra and even when I don't feel like being all happy and chipper at least I am "swimming". So my challenge for myself this week and for everybody else is to remember to "Just Keep Swimming".

The Perfect Description of Me

Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings,
We simply continue to fly.......on a broomstick......
We're flexible like that!

The Elusive Liberal Christian

I was reading over a Bible lesson at lunch from the book, One Month to Live, by Kerry and Chris Shook (yes, even though I am from Oklahoma, I do know how to read .... and yes, even though I am a liberal Democrat, I do believe in God). I have had the book in the floorboard of my car for about six months now. Obviously, if I had really only had one month to live then I wouldn't have learned much from the book because by now I would be living in my glitter covered cardboard box in Heaven. However, I have slowly made it through the book and am all the way up to Day 26 (26 days of lessons done in 180 days time ... that's not bad at all). As I was reading the lesson for today about how we should make plans to leave relationships behind and not just "stuff", I began to wonder about politics and how much better the world would be if everybody (especially politicians) lived by the idea that we should do something every single day to help somebody else (especially if it in no way benefited us). I can't even imagine a world where people would put people before the love of "stuff". Why is this such a foreign concept? Why do so many of the "moral majority" find it so hard to love everybody? Why is it that when I tell people that I am pro-choice, that I don't own a gun (and never will), that I don't believe that every immigrant should be deported, or that I believe that consenting adults should have the choice of whomever they want to love; that I am automatically told that I can't really be a Christian?

I am the dodo bird (and no - you are not allowed to start calling me that as a nickname - I am just using it as an example), right here smack dab in the middle of the Bible belt, trying to help people, trying to do the best I can, and honestly believing that I don't have the right to judge anybody else.

Can You Teach A Child To Care?

We adopted Riley when he was four years old. Our first clue that he wasn't going to be an easy child to parent came on the day that we went to visit him and his brother and sister at a foster home. We took all of the kids to Sonic to get them slushes. Riley promptly poked his straw through the bottom of his cup and proceeded to wave the cup around all over the back seat before telling us that he had even poked a hole in the cup. He thought it was funny. We did not. We chalked it up to him being a 4 year old and cleaned up the mess.

When you go through foster parent/adoptive parent training they don't go over Reactive Attachment Disorder. At least they didn't when we went through the training. We struggled with Riley for years and had no idea what to do with him. We seriously considered calling the case working a few times and telling her that we just didn't know what to do with this child. We didn't, but we considered it. He lied. He stole. He attacked the other children. He would be superficially nice to near strangers (who all thought that he was the cutest little thing) and then he would purposely disobey us. Soooooooooooooo many people told us how wonderful he was at church nursery and at school and we would tell them "oh just wait until you tell him no or don't let him do something that he wants to". They never believed us .... until it happened. His first grade teacher didn't want to hear our warnings ... she didn't want "preconceived ideas" about her students before she had them in class. She changed her mind after she discovered that Riley had been secretly stealing Tootsie Rolls out of the treat jars for months and hiding them in his backpack. After we caught him and she punished him by not allowing him to have any more treats from the treat jar ... he hated her guts.

Reactive Attachment Disorder can happen to any child who has suffered loss of some sort (especially when they are very young). It can even happen to babies who do not form close bonds during their first few years of life. This describes Riley perfectly. He was raised more or less on bologna and television from the time he was born. His older sister (who was only one and a half when Riley was born) actually was responsible for feeding him and changing his diapers until they were put in foster care. How horrific is that? The foster home that they were placed in wasn't much better. The literally put the kids outside in the morning (this was during the summer) and didn't let them back in the house until after dark. They fed them on the front porch and the kids used the bathroom outside. How can any child form any attachments to anybody in a place like that? Young children don't understand the complex concept of attachment at that age, they just know that they can't trust anybody to take care of them or to hang around long enough to care.

So here we are ten years later and sometimes I wonder if we have made any difference at all. How much is because of what he has been through and how much is just him? Is it our place to help him find his way in the world or is that one of the life lessons that he has to learn on his own? He has to be the smartest, the fastest, the first. He has to have the biggest portions of everything and he has to be told to be helpful to other people. He would spend all day playing video games or watching tv if we would let him. He doesn't like interacting with people and all conversations with him turn ugly rather quickly. He picks on his older brother to the point where Bryce can't take it anymore and it turns into a punching, kicking, biting fight. I worry that the years that I spent on meds had something to do with it all too, but I know that I can't go back and change that. I have to work from right now and am at a loss as to what to do with this child. Can you teach a child to care? Can you teach a child that they don't always have to be first, fastest, smartest, or have the most?