He Baffled the Lab Dudes

Derek and I both had to have mini-physicals (go ahead and sing the Olivia Newton John tune in your head while you read this - I give you permission) for our life insurance applications. I have been waiting for a few years to be able to purchase life insurance (turns out that people on probation die younger or some bullshit like that) so actually getting to the physical exam part was thrilling for me. We were supposed to have ours done at our house about an hour before Derek was supposed to start drinking "the prep" for his colonoscopy last week. It was just not a good day for him. Well the nurse had a personal emergency and couldn't make it, so we went flying (not literally) up to the lab so we could have our blood drawn, our blood pressure taken, and give a urine sample (as if it was some sort of gift or something) and then had to get back home so he could drink the "bowel cleanser".

Well we got a phone call yesterday ... evidently there is nothing wrong with my samples. Derek on the other hand has to go back and give two more urine samples. Evidently his pee is the gift that keeps on giving. The lab people and the insurance people will not tell us what is wrong with his urine sample, but I can only imagine that the conversation in the lab went something like this:

"Hey man - you gotta come see this. I have never seen a urine sample like it"

"What are you talking about ... what can be so special about this one?"

"Well other lab dude - I don't think that this is urine .... I think that this guy actually peed out Mountain Dew"

"What ? How is that even possible?"

"I think that's really Mountain Dew and OH MY GOSH .... is that a bacon bit floating in there?"

Starfish Flinger

Copied from "One Month to Live" by Kerry and Chris Shook


A businessman visiting a resort community left his hotel early one morning to take a walk. When he reached the shoreline, he came upon a stunning sight: countless starfish had washed up on the beach during the night in a high tide. They were still moving, still alive, clambering all over one another, trying to get back into the ocean. He knew it wouldn't be long until the tropical sun would bake the poor creatures trapped there on the sand. He wished he could do something, but there were thousands of them, as far as his eye could see, and there was no way he could make a dent in saving them.

So he went on his way. Walking farther down the beach, he came upon a little boy who leaned over, scooped up a starfish and flung it like a Frisbee into the ocean. He repeated the process over and over again, picking up speed, obviously trying to save as many as possible.

Once the man realized what the little boy was doing, he felt it was his responsibility to help the boy by informing him of a harsh life lesson. He walked up to the child and said, "Son, let me tell you. What you're doing here is noble, but you can't save all these starfish. There are thousands of them. The sun's getting really hot, and they're all going to die. You might as well just go on your way and play. You really can't make a difference here."

The little boy didn't say anything at first; he just stared at the businessman. Then he stooped down and picked up another starfish, flung it out into the ocean as far as he could, and said, "Well, I just made all the difference for that one."

I read that story last night and it couldn't have come at a better time. It's funny how the world works sometimes. I had been so down on myself lately about my whole situation - just sure that things were not going to ever get any better - just sure that I wasn't make a difference - just sure that I was "stuck" where I was. If Derek and I hadn't decided to go on a mini-date to Sonic, and the system at Sonic hadn't gone haywire causing us to sit there and wait for 30 minutes, then I never would have picked up the book that has been in the floorboard of the van for months. I wouldn't have read that story at just the right time. The right time for me to see that I don't have to save the world today ... I just have to keep flinging starfish. My story might make "all the difference for that one".

Good News .... Bad News

Good News - the one polyp that they removed from my husband's "nether regions" was not cancerous nor precancerous ! Woo - hoo !!!

Bad News - they wrote me my prescription for Colite (aka Go Lightly) - just seeing it sitting on my kitchen counter is going to make me gag - damn me and my Amazonian height (who knew that tall people had longer intestines)

We Should Have Listened to the Human Trader

In 2000, Derek and I went to see the remake of Planet of the Apes. Ok - it wasn't an Oscar worthy performance by any means, but it did have some clever little comments. One that we laughed at was spoken by the "human trader". He was the little monkey guy who rounded up all the wild humans and took them down to the shelter so that the apes could come through and pick them out for use as slaves. The leader of the apes brought his niece down to the shelter to pick out one of the humans to keep as a pet. She picked out a little girl to take home and keep in a cage in her room. Oh how sad. Well before they left the shelter, the human trader pulls the uncle over to the side and warns him that before the human turns into a teenager that they needed to take it out to the woods and "let it go" because "they last thing that you want in your house is a human teenager". Derek and I laughed. That was ten years ago. Our kids were tiny then and oooooooooh so cute. Little did we know that truer words have never been spoken.

In July, the twins will turn 13, which will mean that we will have five teenagers living in our house. Five !! 5 !! Cinco !! (for my spanish speaking friends) The human trader was right ! People tend to forget that those cute little toddlers grow up to be teenagers who smell worse than barn animals, have the lovely ability to roll their eyes at every single thing that you say, are able to flunk an English class even though the fact that they don't actually do any work in the class is NEVER their fault, and will eat anything that doesn't try to bite them first. I had bananas laying on the counter for over a week so they could get brown enough for me to use them in banana bread. SOMEBODY ATE THEM !!! If I had told them "you have to eat those brown bananas" they would have rolled their eyes, let out some barn animal noise and flunked a class in protest of my meanness ! Why didn't we listen to the human trader ???? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ?

Anxiety .. The Grumpy Old Neighbor

Somebody posted a question on http://www.paxilprogress.org/ about how to stop "fighting the anxiety" and another member posted this wonderful response. If I hadn't lived it myself (horrible chemical anxiety from Paxil and Ambien), then I wouldn't have believed that something this simple could actually work.

My CBT therapist likened it to having a grumpy, old neighbor that would come over and bang on your door and scream to be let in. If you ignore your neighbor or, worse, yell at him to go away, he just screams louder and keeps banging on your door.

But if you open the door and invite your neighbor in, give him a nice chair to sit in and offer him a drink, he will eventually stop yelling. He'll quiet down. He might not be a pleasant man, and you might not really like him being there, but he won't be screaming and yelling for you to let him in anymore.


I love this !!! It's the perfect example of not "fighting it". When I was going through withdrawal (and during poop-out) I had horrible travel anxiety and would freak smooth out in crowded places, so I would run. My fight or flight response was always turned to flight mode. Vacations with me were no fun at all, I spent most of them hiding in the hotel room. My friend (Ranger) told me that I had to learn to accept the anxiety and not let it ruin my plans. I would tell myself "ok - if I have anxiety in this situation then I am going to do this ... or this ... not run". It was so strange to not try to fight it, but to just let it run its course. The really strange thing was that it worked. When I would always run away from the anxiety and force myself to do things (only to end up having a horrible panic attack and then leave) my mind would automatically start thinking "see ... I told you so ... I knew that this would happen ... you were right for not wanting to come here". It just turns into a vicious cycle that you can't get out of.

When you pack your "tool kit" before you go somewhere that you think is going to make you anxious and you actually let the anxiety just pass through you, then you can start thinking "I came here and even though I had some anxious moments, I survived it and I am stronger because I didn't run away". It is a matter of changing your thoughts, attitudes, and actions which is the basis of all CBT. You are not powerless. You are strong and you can do it !

My Own Braveheart

Up until a few weekends ago, I had never seen Braveheart. Derek had pointed out the "honeymoon scene" to me on several occasions, but I had never actually watched the entire movie. First of all ... it is really really violent and OMG they chop him up at the end !!! Sorry if you hadn't seen it yet and now have to go delete it from your Netflix list because you now know the ending. Not the "feel good movie of the year" at all.

The whole part about the king taking the dude's bride on the wedding night is not only cruel, but well ... its gross. As if the groom would want her back after the king was all boom chicka waa waa with her. EW !!! So William Wallace and his chick get married in secret in the middle of the night with some preacher guy that they probably had to give a goat or two to for getting up in the middle of the night to do a secret wedding. It's probably the best scene in the whole movie (or maybe I am biased because it is not the scene where they CHOP HIM UP !!!). Anyway .. not too long after the wedding, the bad dudes kill his woman. It's not a pretty sight and then he pretty much goes ape shit and vows revenge against them.

Derek and I were laying in bed snuggled up at that point and I asked him "if somebody did that to me would you go after them and torture them like that?". He kissed me on the forehead and said, "I would do that for you now". OMG !!! I couldn't help but cry. My whole legal situation was based on so many people getting involved who shouldn't have been and Derek will always hold grudges against those people who said bad things about me. It was just so hard for him to see me suffer and know that there was nothing that he could do to stop it. I know that he will never do something stupid and he doesn't really have the capacity to really hurt somebody, but the fact that he loves me enough to want to be all Braveheart for me makes my heart just flutter.

Go Lightly My Ass

My hubby had to have a colonoscopy yesterday. He and I both have strong family histories of colon cancer and I have already had several of them. The first time that I had one,the doctor prescribed the Go Lightly laxative ... which comes in a gallon size container of which you have to drink all of it in an afternoon. As soon as I would come out of the bathroom, Derek would hand me another glass of it. It was evil in a bottle !!!

Monday afternoon when Derek was gagging on his Magnesium Citrate I had flashbacks of the Go Lightly (and the Phospho soda and the Magnesium Citrate) and literally had to leave the room while he drank it. Just watching him stand there and chuck it down, I could literally taste it. Well guess what ... me being of the Amazon race and being a six foot tall woman evidently has longer intestines than most people and I don't get to go the Phospho soda or Magnesium Citrate route ... oh no ... I get to go back to the Go Lightly ! Go Lightly my ass ... how about go so many times a day that you feel like your stomach is going to fall into the toilet ... how about go so many times that you wear a line out in the carpet from the bedroom to the bathroom .. how about go so many times a day that even your teenage sons complain about how bad YOU stunk up the bathroom. So next month when I have to have another lovely procedure ... I will be bitching again about having to drink the gallon of evil, which tastes like pineapple flavored bleach water .... hell if you are lucky I might even post a picture of my face after I drink it.... if I have time between trips to the bathroom that is.