No More Free Skittles For You Mr. Senator

I had the "pleasure" of spending a few days at the state Capitol in March and I really think that everybody should make the trip up there are least once in their life. I was truly amazed at a lot of things, one of them being the irony of debating the state budget while they sit and eat their free snacks. Free snacks? Oh yes - snacks ! There is a whole spread of snack type items at the front of the chambers for them to munch on. There is also free drinks and the state government even pays pages to bring that stuff to them. I say that we do away with the free drinks and snacks for them and install soda machines, snack machines, and coffee machines right there in the back of the room. If Senator Knowsitall wants a bag of Skittles then he can haul his happy ass to the back of the room and pay a buck for them. He sure doesn't need some high school girl in a short skirt to giggle and laugh at him every time he beckons her to run an errand for him (that is a post for another day). The point that I am trying to make is that there are plenty of places that we can save money in government and it can start with the free snack spread for the elected officials. I could be completely off base here - there could be somebody who goes around to all of the Senators and Reps on a monthly basis and collects money for the snack fund .... there could be ...

He Can't Even Find His Way Around the Block

The sixteen year old girl that was lost at sea while trying to sail around the world returned home last night. Derek and I were talking about it this morning while I was getting ready for work. "Can you imagine sending Bryce (our 16 year old son) around the world in a sailboat?" To which Derek replied, "Honey, I worry sometimes that he won't find his way home from the park and that is just four blocks away."

Glad I Wasn't at Woodstock

Thursday I drank the gallon of evil. Friday I was doped out of my mind. Not a good combination. I figured out that after you drink a glass of the gallon of evil, then chase it with really strong limeade, then chew on a piece of Juicy Fruit gum, you can actually get the whole thing down without puking it back up. It is also better to be able to chug the whole glass in one drink ... if you stop to take a breath then you get a whiff and a taste of it and at the time waterboarding seems like a better option than drinking the rest of the glass.

Whatever they give people to knock them out for colonoscopies does NOT interact well with this chick. Anybody remember the hummus incident from last year ... yeah ... not pretty. I told the nurse as she was rolling me into the procedure room that I was not going to come out of it well and she said that she would tell the other nurses so they would be prepared. The time said 7:48 on the big digital clock. The doctor was talking to me about whether or not I had drank the entire gallon of evil. The nurse injected the "good stuff" into my IV and then it all went loopy. Why the hell do people want to feel like that? It is not a good feeling.

I don't remember getting dressed to come home (Derek claims that he dressed me, but who knows .... circus clowns and monkeys in tutus could have dressed me and I wouldn't have known any different). I vaguely remember stopping at Sonic and getting a Sprite ... which I promptly puked back up into the blue condom looking thing that the nurse must have given me before we left the hospital. But that didn't stop me from drinking more Sprite (hey - I was thirsty !), which I promptly puked back up into the giant blue condom thing again .... I evidently did this several times while poor Derek was trying to drive us home. I also evidently missed the big blue condom thing at some point and puked on myself (it's a good thing that Sprite is clear), which made me laugh and cry at the same time. Derek was laughing when he told me about it later on. So glad that he enjoyed the day. I however DID NOT !!!

The good news is that they didn't find any polyps and I don't have to go back for 3 years !!! WOO - HOO !!! The bad news is that I basically don't remember the past 3 days and I could have been running down the street wearing nothing but the monkey's tutu and the circus clown's big floppy shoes and I wouldn't even know it. So if you see me on the news or on youtube please don't make rude comments. I was doped up ! I had always thought that I would have made an awesome flower child, but after this incident I think that I would have been too out of it for even Woodstock.

A Really Cool Thing

I am so jealous of talented people !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osQNO6Tt9hs

The Gallon of Evil

Today is the day I have been dreading for months now. The Gallon of Evil day. I mixed it up last night and added one of the flavor packets to it. I love that they give you flavor packets. Here drink this cherry flavored bleach water .... yum ... yum. The flavor packet choices are cherry (um ... gross), orange (um ... even grosser), lemon-lime (ew), pineapple (already tried that one years ago and it just ruined me for pineapple flavored anything), and citrus berry. I went with the citrus berry. So the Gallon of Evil is now sitting and waiting for me at home in my refrigerator. Lurking. Stalking. Plotting evil things. It's probably in there trying to talk the milk into going bad .... making weapons out of the carrots and staging a revolt with the olives. I think that I can hear it laughing from here. Muahahahahaha !

There will more than likely not be a post tomorrow, because whatever they give people to knock them out for a colonoscopy turns me into a babbling idiot for about three days. So if there does end up being a post about monkeys in tutus being attacked by ninja bananas, please just disregard it and I will be back to my semi-sane state next Monday.

WARNING ! Those Cute Little Babies Turn into Evil Teenagers !

For all of you mothers of daughters ... be warned. If you ever tell her that she is not allowed to talk to or date a certain boy then she is going to do anything and everything in her power to do exactly that .. why? Because he is just the most fabulous thing on the face of the earth and even though she is just barely 17, she knows everything about relationships and there is noooooooooooo way that he is only after her for "one thing" and they are best friends and even though he is about to turn 21 he would NEVER try to talk her into doing something that she didn't want to do. She knows that we check the phone bills and she has been talking to him on a daily basis. He has been "sniffing around" since she was 15 and he was 18 and she knows how we feel about the age difference. We are trying to stay calm .... DAMMIT !

Anybody want to help me build my fort of wine boxes?

Excuses for My Depravity

I had chocolate cake for breakfast. Yes - I have gained back ten pounds and Yes - I know why I have gained back ten pounds. I eat out of boredom. I did it last night. Wasn't really hungry yet I made myself a bowl of popcorn with http://www.kernelseasons.com/ on it while laying in bed watching The Bachelorette. Noticing that those people on there sure do consume a lot of alcoholic beverages ... which made me go downstairs and mix cranberry juice with coconut rum.

We did soooooooooooo well before we went to Vegas and both Derek and I had actually lost some poundage, but while we were there we tied on the feed bags at the fabulous restaurants and all hell broke loose. Now we are back in glutton mode. What the heck is wrong with us?

Thursday I have to drink "The Gallon of Evil" in prep for my colonoscopy on Friday. I am going to use that as my jump off point for a new way of eating. I can only have clear liquids on Thursday along with "The Gallon of Evil" .... chicken broth, apple juice, Sprite, etc. I can have Jello, but recently learned how Jello is made so will NEVER be eating that again. So I have one more day to stuff myself with horrific foods before the day of hell that will kick off the new weight loss program. Burger and fries for lunch with the 55 gallon drum sized Dr. Pepper. Sure. Why not ?