Saturday, June 13, 2009

Magnesium Citrate Martinis

Thursday was the day that I had to drink the cups of evil to clean me out for my colonoscopy on Friday. For those of you have never had Magnesium Citrate, it is the most vile thing on the face of the earth. Anything made for the sole purpose of "cleaning you out" evidently must taste that way. It's a rule. Not only is it lemon flavored and therefore ruins me for eating anything lemon flavored ever again, it is also carbonated. Yeah - those little fizzy bubbles almost had me fooled into believing that I was drinking a soda. Um ... no - the only purpose of the fizzy bubbles is to make it harder to go down. I was wondering if I could make some sort of cocktail with it to make it more tolerable. After all, vodka is a clear liquid. However, my instructions say no alcoholic beverages due to an increased risk of bleeding. blah blah blah

Like a good little patient I drank my dose (sans the vodka) at 2:00, another one at 2:30, another one at 3:00 and my last one at 4:00 along with 4 Dulcolax. Then I waited. and waited. and waited. Nothing. Around 10:00 pm I started yelling at my intestines, "Come on already - I want to go to bed!!!". Alas, my intestines had a mind of their own and I decided to just go to bed hoping that I would wake up for the "big event" and not have to wake Derek up in the middle of the night for a very disturbing sheet change. Around midnight the first explosion hit and I went racing to the bathroom. For the next six hours, I went through the cycle of the dash to the bathroom followed by about 30 minutes of sleep. Not the ideal way to spend an "all-nighter".

We had to be up at 6 to leave for the hospital anyway, so I decided to just stay up. I took my bath and got dressed - not even bothering to put on make-up. After all, they weren't going to be looking at that end of me anyway. Driving up there, all I could think about was food. I was soooooooo hungry. We got checked in in record time. They were on the ball yesterday for darn sure. We only spent about 5 minutes waiting at the outpatient center before they called me back to my bed. The nurse ran through all of the paperwork and told me to change into my lovely gown - open in the back (of course). I wasn't even completely changed before the RN got there to start my IV. That is the worst part for me but for some reason squeezing Derek's fingers to the point of leaving nail marks made me feel a whole lot better.

As soon as the IV was in, they wheeled me into the procedure room which had the temperature of a meat locker. It also looked eerily like the room on the alien autospy video but I tried not to be paranoid, after all I already knew that they were going to be probing in that area so I had nothing to fear. The nurse told me to roll over on my left side and I had to laugh at myself when I pulled the gown down over my bare bottom - they were going to be seeing it after all anyway. The last thing that I remember was the nurse saying "ok - I am going to give you some of the medicine now". Boom ! Lights Out ! Being put under is the strangest thing ever. No dreams. No nothing. Just black.

The next thing that I remember was waking up in my bed yesterday afternoon. Evidently, we even went by my work to get my paycheck and I went in to go to the bathroom there. I am sure that I was quite the sight to see. I could have talked to people, but I don't remember it. I could have gone to the bathroom, but I don't remember it. Heck - I could have done numbers from A Chorus Line all the way down the hallway, but I don't remember it. It's such a good thing that they don't sell that stuff on the street - people would be really messed up. Oh wait - maybe they do - it's call antidepressants. :)

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