PMS and Pantyhose Do NOT Mix

What kind of cruel joke is it that women get bloated up every month like a freaking bullfrog and yet they are the ones who have to wear the pantyhose to work? It's a cruel joke right up there with God putting my very liberal self smack dab in the middle of "We think that you are wrong and we want to tell you all of the ways you are wrong ... but we will pray for you" country !

By the way, I do not suffer from PMS .... I embrace it. I don't believe in that whole take a pill because you are bitchy once a month thing. I see it as nature's way of telling my husband that I don't want him touching me for the next week so he better take the hint and leave me the hell alone ! I don't need a pill for that. A box of wine maybe ... but not a pill !

The Friendship Myth

One of the lessons that I am trying my hardest to teach my kids (along with wearing deoderant every day and how to find their way out of a cardboard box) is that the friends that they have in high school will NOT be the friends that they have later in life. You have the friends that you have in high school basically because their parents chose to live in the same town that your parents chose to live in and ta-da .... they are your friends. I grew up (and still live) in a very small town of less than 3,000 people in the sticks of Oklahoma. There wasn't much variety at the friend store .... this was more like shopping at a Dollar General for friends rather than the Sam's Club. You didn't get to compare features, prices, extras, etc. You just got who you got. I got the generic toothbrush of a friend when I really wanted the Supersonic Water Pik of a friend.

I had the same best friend since kindergarten. We assumed that we would be best friends for life. Boy howdy - was I wrong on that one. When all of my legal mess hit the gossip mill (and the news and the newspaper and the local coffee shop), I got one phone call from her telling me how sorry she was and blah blah blah. ONE PHONE CALL ! It has now been over three and a half years since my drama started and I haven't heard from her again. Oh wait ... I take that back. The day before I was supposed to go to trial ... I got a text message from her that said "I am praying for you ... good luck tomorrow". Really? A text message? Sending it by carrier pigeon would have been more personal than that. I so wanted to rent a billboard and list every horrible thing that I know about her ... but alas ... I refrained (for that my cardboard box in heaven will have extra glitter on it).

I think that I get so mad at myself over all of it, because I feel duped. Duped by the meds that turned me crazy. Duped by my doctor who told me that they were perfectly safe. Duped for standing by a friend (who is also bat shit crazy on meds, but can't see it) that I would have supported and helped no matter what .... only to be dropped like a hot brick at the first sign of trouble. Probably dropped faster than a hot brick actually .... like a hot boulder ... that has had kerosene poured on it and been set on fire ... and then sprayed by a skunk. You get the point.

Through all of my withdrawal and all of my legal mess there have been a few women (and a guido kind of dude) who have stood by me (even though we have never met) and I just wanted to take the time to tell them thank you for not judging me, for not hating me, and for not dropping me like a hot brick (or flaming skunk sprayed boulder). Ever heard the phrase "A friend will help you move, but a true friend will help you move a body"? Well I have no doubt in my mind that if I ever needed these wild women (or the guido) in that capacity that they would not only fly to my rescue ASAP - they would bring their own shovels. So to you ... Amity ... Fiona ... Ranger(Drew) ... Cally ... Nichole ... LC ... and Laurie (even though aliens have taken over her brain) ... a fresh glass of the finest wine available in a box ! I love you more than words can say and I will never be able to repay you for sticking with me through all of this.

A Rant on Technology in Education

This is a comment that I posted on a politician's website. The politician has the opinion that because a child was entertained by a video game on an airplane, then we need to change the way that we teach young children by using more technology. I disagree.

It actually makes me sad that a four year old child had to be entertained by a video in order to ride on an airplane. That time could have been spent on meaningful interaction between the parent and the child. I think that pushing technology on children at such a young age actually makes them lazy and less intelligent. What good does it do to funnel money into schools to purchase the latest technology when we continue to graduate children who cannot even read at an elementary level or do simple multiplication? Technology based programs such as Accelerated Math and Accelerated Reading have been used in schools for years and yet the students continue to lack in these basic areas. Technology also becomes a handy “baby sitter” for teachers who don’t want to actually teach – just pop in a video or let kids play games on the computer.

A kid with his head buried in a computer game, texting on his cell phone, or watching a video is not engaged in learning. He is simply pacified for the moment. Technology has made people socially inept, obese, and lacking in basic common knowledge. I seriously think that we need to get back to teaching the basics in elementary school and save the technology for upper level high school, when they should be preparing to either enter the work force or attend college.

She Must Have Lost Her Tin Foil Hat

My friend, Laurie (oh my goodness - does this make two ... count em ... two shout outs on my blog to my friend Laurie?) keeps trying to convert me to some new contraption where you read books on some electronic device. It's true ! First the light bulb and now this ... what is this world coming too? This is the working of those evil liberals I tell ya. Trying to take over the world through electronic books and such. They are probably in cahoots with the aliens .... of course they are ... in fact I think that their leaders are all aliens. Yep ... that's it ... of course he wasn't born in this country. He wasn't even born on this planet !!! He probably has one of those secret alien decoding book reader things too. Run for your lives kids !! Pack up the tin foil and the ammo .... we are heading to the bunker !

As for me, I will keep reading my books made out of paper, just like God intended for it to be, sitting in my bathtub drinking from a box of wine. Wait ... God wrote on tablets .... well that's beside the point. I refuse to be converted !

My Big Yellow Taxi

In case I haven't already mentioned it a bazillion times, I belong to the forum http://www.paxilprogress.org/ If you are on antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds, then you really should go check it out. Anywho - yesterday somebody on there mentioned a technique that her CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) therapist gave her for when the "blahs" hit. He told her to visual the bad thoughts and depression as a big, yellow taxi pulling up in front of her house. It's just sitting there. It wants you to get in and go for a ride, but her is the kicker. YOU DON'T HAVE TO ! That's right ... that damn depression taxi can sit there all day long, you don't have to get in. In fact, you can flip off the driver and tell him to take a long walk on a short pier. That is the key to all of this. YOU have the power. YOU have the control. YOU can change your life. That's one of the things that makes me yell at the antidepressant commercials (I yell at them for a lot of reasons - this is just one). They make you believe that you are helpless. That the way that you are feeling is out of your control. That you are in some ways "damaged" and that you have to have this "magic pill" to function. WRONG ! WRONG ! WRONG !

The only way to change your life is to ... um ... change your life. So this morning when the weight of my entire situation (mostly about the ginormous amout of debt that we have) was trying to crush me in my own bed, I decided to tell that depression cab driver to take a hike. I didn't lay there and dwell on how bad things were. I got up ! I got ready for my day ! I vowed to make changes that will make my life better. I have the power. I have the control. I can change my life .... and so can YOU !

Sandwiches Taste Better in the Mountains

We went hiking yesterday in the Wichita Mountains. We take these little family trips quite often, mainly to spend time together but also to get the kids away from the video games and tv for a whole day. Entertaining four teens and near teens in the wide open spaces is not easy. We only had the younger four with us because Rachel (Miss Pretty Princess) had to work. So the two teenage boys wanted to find someplace with mountains that they could actually climb and Emily wanted to climb with them. However, Beth, is NOT a climber. She would have preferred to sit in the air conditioned van for the entire time that we were there. However, she did not. Instead she stuck to me and Derek like a leech and followed us right along the little trails - chatting about every single thing that she saw along the way.

We ended up hiking around French Lake and down the creek. It was beautiful ! The flowers were blooming, the wind was blowing just enough that it wasn't hot out, and the kids didn't push each other into the lake (always a bonus). They even liked the lunch that we packed. Derek and I laughed about it. If we had told them at home that we were going to have dry ham and cheese sandwiches on stale hamburger buns with Chex Mix as a side item, graham crackers for dessert, and water to drink they would have whined and complained for hours on end. Evidently sandwiches taste better when you eat them in the back of a mini van parked in a tiny parking lot in the mountains after hiking. They actually wanted "seconds" and fought over the bottles of water. Go figure ! Maybe we should eat all of our meals in the mountains. That's it ! The next time we go hiking I am packing Spinach Ravioli with mixed vegetables on the side ! Let's see how that taste in the mountains.

No More Bacardi Breezers for Us

Two women friends had gone for a girls night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives; however they had gotten overly enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she used it to wipe with. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go on home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girls night out things have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing, said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt. that said....From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you. ''