The Manic in the Mirror

Most of the nine years that I was on Paxil I was hypomanic. Hypomanic is basically "manic light". You aren't completely bat shit crazy ... but you are close and you sure do drive the people around you nutso with your constant moving around and your fabulous ideas. When I changed my dose in January of 2006 (cutting it in half per my dumb ass doctor's advice), I became full blown manic. I had probably been in "poop out" (tolerance of sorts) for a few years and didn't know at the time that pretty much everybody reaches a form of tolerance on SSRIs - most end up at their doctor's who either switches the meds, increases the dose of the med they are taking, or ads another med. Fortunately for me, I never told my doctor about my mania. I know that I would now have a bipolar diagnosis and would probably be on a med-go-round like millions of others if I had.

The horrible withdrawal pretty much just proved to me what my mother had been telling me for years - that I was destined to "need" these meds for life (WRONG ! WRONG ! WRONG!), so I went back up to my 20 mg per day dose. Increasing the dose back up made me absolutely nuts ! The really sad thing was that I had no idea that it was the meds that were actually causing the mania. I just couldn't see it. Dr. Peter Breggin uses the word "spellbound" to describe this. The person on meds thinks that the pills are helping them when they are actually causing all sorts of problems.

So for those of you who know somebody who takes psychotropic medications and have begun to wonder if the pills are causing more harm than good ... here is a list of very common symptoms of mania:

* constantly has grand ideas that are ALWAYS better than everybody else's ideas (I would actually try to convince people that my ideas were the best by yelling, screaming, crying, and throwing fits to rival a two year old)

* insomnia and the belief that they really don't need that much sleep because there is too much to get done to waste time actually sleeping (my insomnia lead to a prescription for Ambien ... which just made the crazy even crazier)

* absolutely no fear of consequences (I literally used to throw things at people and pour drinks on them - I didn't even care that it made them mad)

* talking fast and talking over people (I thought I "won" every argument if I could just bully the other person into stopping talking .... just talk louder and faster and eventually the other person will give up)

* racing thoughts (I told people that I thrived on chaos when I was actually creating the chaos - always a new "get rich quick" idea, always a new class to take, always a new job to do - raise dogs, sell toys, get a part-time job tutoring, sell cosmetics, sell real estate, take on an exchange student, etc., etc. - it was never ending)

* impulsiveness ( I had absolutely no filter between my brain and my mouth - if I thought it then I said it ... if I thought that your hat was ugly then I told you ... if I thought that you looked fat in that dress then I told you ... if I thought that me saying something might hurt your feelings ... even better)

* inflated ego (At the time I was probably a good 40 pounds overweight, dressed like Liberace, was rude to everybody, talked loud, threw things, and had a hair style that looked like it was done with a weedeater - yet I thought that I was the sexiest thing on the planet ... oh yeah ... everybody wanted me)

I am coming up on the three year anniversary of my rebirthday (my last day on meds was August 25, 2007) and am so happy to be alive and well and no longer the Manic in the Mirror.

Redneck Woman Recipe

For those of you that follow Pioneer Woman, you know that she makes all sorts of homemade yummies from scratch - heck she probably even grounds her own flour from wheat that she grew in her bathtub - well if you are reading this blog in the hopes of getting some fabulous recipe for sweet goodies then you better just click the unfollow button now ... in the words of my redneck friends "it ain't gonna happen". However, I can share with you this simple little recipe that I stole and modified from a magazine ... incredibly simple ... incredibly tasty !

Mix together:

1 - 15 ounce can of pumpkin
1 - carrot cake mix

THAT'S IT !!! NOTHING ELSE TO ADD !!! JUST THE POWDERED MIX AND THE PUMPKIN !

Grease a muffin pan and plop the mixture into the pan - it makes 12 muffins
Bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes and Voila (ain't ya impressed that I speak French)!

Now I bet you can't wait for next week when I share my world famous recipes for frozen pizza and nuked corn dogs !

Maybe the Grass was Browner

Sitting out on my deck yesterday afternoon enjoying the shade of my umbrella (the one that I bitched about Derek buying, but have to admit that I now love ... are you happy now honey? I admitted it AGAIN ! jeez !), I got a text message from a lady that I used to teach with. She just couldn't wait to fill me in on the latest bit of gossip that was going around about another teacher - one that I used to be fairly close to before all of my scandal hit. This teacher was a person that I admired, looked up to, and was in fact jealous of for years. Beautiful new house. Two Masters degrees. Dream job. Everything that I had thought that I had lost when all of my shit hit the fan. The gossip was not pretty .... I doubt that she will ever read this blog, but just in case she does I will not repeat it. However, I did discover that she filed for divorce last month and even though I haven't talked to her in close to four years it broke my heart.

I can't quite put my finger on why it is hitting me so hard, but I have just been on the cusp of tears for two days now. Maybe it's because it was a humbling experience to realize that the person that I envied didn't really have it all after all and that even though I have legal issues, even though I have money issues, even though I have job issues ..... my grass is in some ways greener. I have Derek. I have the kids. I have my true friends (especially Amity). I have the things that are so much more important than just things. I have the knowledge that happiness doesn't come in pill form. I have the second chance that a pair of handcuffs and a jail cell gave me. I have the ability to help other people and the empathy to feel bad for an old friend even though I haven't talked to her in years. I have greener grass and I will stop comparing it to the grass that just looks green on the outside.

Gosh ... Why Didn't I Think of That?

Rachel is bound and determined to move out of the house next year after she graduates high school. At first I fought the idea, but am slowly coming to peace with it. We have an apartment type building in our backyard that has a bedroom and a bathroom in it (it was built as a pool house). I told her that she could live there while she went to college, but she would have to continue to follow our house rules. Well of course, that was the dumbest idea ever thought of by a human and besides our rules are already "choking her" (yes she actually told me that ... to which my response was "choking ? really? you want to see choking ... I will show you some choking sister").

So a few weeks ago, I casually mentioned to Derek that Rachel and a few of her buddies could rent one of our rent houses from us. She thinks that she is all big, bad, and grown-up then she can find some roommates and they can share all of the expenses. It would be a great transition to move from our house, just one block away, to the rent house and have to pay her own bills, while still have "mommy and daddy" close by ... just in case. Derek told me that if I told her about this idea then she wouldn't go for it ... and I agreed because, after all ... Derek and I are the two dumbest people on the planet and we don't know anything about anything.

Rachel printed out the price sheet for the dorms the other day and was griping about how expensive they are. I casually suggested that she could find a rent house in town and get a couple of roommates. Her wittle face just lit up. The heavens opened up, the angels were singing, and the sun was beaming down as her brain processed the perfect idea. "OH MY GOSH MOMMA ! Me and Sammie and Taylor could rent your rent house." I just had to smile as I told her, "Well I don't know about that .... Daddy and I will have to think about it"

I am So Smart ... I Should Work for BP

Somebody needs to come up with a vending machine size oil refining machine and place them all along the gulf. Then let people come out there and scoop up as much as oil as they can and refine it themselves. Then BP would be scrambling to stop that oil (aka money) from getting out.

Follow This Person .... Or Else

I am just kidding on the "or else" part, just trying to get your attention. My "friend" from the dooce community has a blog that is chock full of snarky goodness and you should read it ... even better - you should follow her blog. She and I keep joking about how shallow we are that we love to see our following numbers go up .... so go follow this cool chick ... she might even send you a cookie ! (okay - probably not on the cookie thing ... but it will make her happy)


http://wombatcentral.blogspot.com/

Playing Catch with the Universe

For some background information on this post ... please read this post first

http://a-slapintheface.blogspot.com/2010/02/letter-i-need-to-write.html

Well I finished the letter. I have rewritten it soooooooooooo many times. Wondering if it was too much to say. Wondering if it wasn't enough. Wondering if I would ever even have the chance to ever read it to this person. Wondering if it will make any difference. Slowly realizing that it didn't matter. I finished it. I printed it out. I put it in my purse. I have made the first step. I have thrown it out into the universe and now I just have to wait for the universe to catch it and throw something back. If the universe puts the right people in my path, you will be the first to know.